H.B. and Gypsy

I begin to walk closer to him and his eyes widen.

“E, b-babe…” He whimpers, noticing the bruising on my cheekbone. “What h-happened to you?” He looks panicked and crawls over to me.

I don’t answer him. I just crawl onto his bed with him, slip my arms around his waist, pull him closer, almost too tightly, and slowly start to lay kisses on his neck. He whimpers and tries to pull away.

“N-no, tell m-me what h-happened…” He gets out in an urgent whisper. I ignore him and continue, moving onto his jaw.

He tries to push me off harder. “E-e, please…” He begs.

The last thing I want to do right now is have a talk with him. I just wanted to be close to him. He wanted to talk about my dad.

That’s the last thing I needed.

I shake my head and move from his jaw to his mouth. As soon as my lips made contact with his, he gave in. He sighed and kissed me back. I crawl onto him and try to deepen the kiss. I parted my lips and he did the same. But, as soon as my tongue makes contact with his, he pushes me away.

He looked like he was scared of me.

“H-have you b-been drinking, E-ever?” He asks me in a shaky whisper, looking up at me.

He must have tasted it.

My bloodshot eyes meet his bright ones and I slur “You’re f-funny, doll…”, and I lean back down and try to continue my previous actions, my hands holding his hips down.

“E-ever stop…” He mumbles harshly against my mouth. I don’t listen to him and I slip my hands under the hem of his t-shirt, sliding up his chest. He sighs and tries to pull his shirt down, my hands still under it. His breathing gets heavier.

“Ever!” He whimpers, scared. I lick my lips and ignore him, slightly pushing my hips down on his and begin to roughly suck on his soft neck.

“E-ever Brenin, L-listen to m-me!” He finally yells in a panic, his eyes looking bewildered. He grabs my hands and pulls them from his chest and I quickly pull away from his neck and glare at him.

Now he is just pissing me off.

As soon as he saw my expression, he looked like he was a scared little seven year old again. It almost appeared that he sunk lower into the mattress, trying to get away from me.

“Do you have any idea how amazing alcohol is?” I slur and laugh with an evil grin at him. His eyes start to water. “Its like magic.” I add and lean down to him and try to kiss him again.

“G-get off m-me…” He whispers in fear before my lips could reach his. He tried to keep me from getting closer, but I was bigger and stronger than him. He whimpered when he couldn’t hold me away from him anymore, and I captured his lips with mine. I pull away slowly.

I laugh at him. “Im afraid that’s not going to happen, babe.” I sit up on him and begin to trace my eyes down his body. I seem particularly interested in the button of his pants.

“W-what are you d-doing, E-e?” He softly cries, letting a couple tears fall onto his cheeks as he grows more scared every second. I block out his frightened words and begin to run my hands down his chest. Then down his hips. Then down his legs.

“I want you, babe…” I shakily groan into his neck, leaning down and sucking on his ear. Usually he would have melting into it, but this time, he cowered in fear.

“Y-you….what?! No, no, n-no…” He cries out, letting a tear fall down his rosy cheek. “Y-you’re scaring m-me…” He cries and covers his face in fear. I look up at him.

“Aw…don’t cry.” I try and peel his hands away from his face. “I w-would never hurt you remember?” The alcohol says. I giggle and wipe his tears away.

All he does is cry more as he becomes more panicked.

He tries to sit up and I push him back down, my hands holding his shoulders onto the bed. “You’re not going anywhere.” I smirk and kiss him. He lets out a sob.

“N-no, Please…” He whispers in fear. I didn’t look at him, I adverted my gaze back to the little god-forsaken button. I don’t know why he was being so difficult, he knows he loves this.

I scoot lower down and run my fingers under the hem of his jeans.

“Yes please…” I correct him and slowly undo the first button. As soon as that button comes loose, Landon screams.

“E-e!” He cries and I look up at him. “Pl-please don’t d-do this!” He begs. and grabs my hands. I narrow my eyes at him.

“Do what, love? I just want to have some fun…” I laugh in my drunken stupor and pull his shirt off. I run my hands down his torso and he shivers, trying to cover up his body with a sob “Mmm.” I sigh.

“I th-thought I c-could trust y-you, Ever!” He sobs.

I immediately halt my actions and look up at him and his shaking little body.

“You can trust me.” I shoot back at him and push some bangs away from his teary eyes. I was having a hard time focusing on his face. Everything was blurry.

“Im your best friend...” I smile and pull his zipper down slowly.

“Your boyfriend.” I add, pulling his zipper down. I then slowly slip my thumbs into his belt loops and pull his jeans down to his knees.

Before I could continue, Landon cries, “O-our first time w-was suppose t-to be s-special!” His face was contorted with pain.

“And this isn’t?” I slur and furrow my brow. I wasn’t making any sense, but I didn’t care. The alcohol was convincing me that whatever I said was right. I didn’t care if I was scaring him. He has nothing to be afraid of. And now, he was just offending me.

“N-no!” He cries. “L-look at you e-ever! You’re d-drunk!” He whimpers.

I stare at him and he continues, “This i-isn’t you, E-e! You a-aren’t your d-dad!”

As soon as he said that, I sit up and glare at him. My eyes go black with anger. He has crossed a line.

“Don’t say shit like that, Landon.” I growl at him. He new something was different now. His body tensed up.

“I j-just m-meant-“ He chokes out, but I yell at him.

“No! I understand exactly what you meant.” I huff and climb off him. He sits upright, pulls his pants back on, zipping them up and buttons them. He dries his tears while I climb off the bed.

He slowly crawls to the edge of his bed and whispers to me, “Pl-please don’t b-be mad a-at me...”

I turn to him.

“Funny, Landon.” I whisper.

He climbs off his bed and timidly walks up to me. “I n-never wanted t-to h-hurt you. I w-was j-just afraid th-that you were g-going to –“

I shove him against his wall. Not enough to hurt him…but enough to let him just how much alcohol was running through my system right now. He whimpers in pain, his eyes wide with horror. “What? Hurt you?” I sneer, a half an inch away from his face.

The alcohol was really kicking in now.

“Y-yes…” He silently cries, new tears finding there way down his cheeks. I have never seen him so terrified. His knees began to weaken under the amount of fear in his small body.

At this point, I’m completely gone. I couldn’t even listen to the small words escaping his mouth. They were smoke in that wind for all I care.

"I have bigger problems." I spit. He cant even muster up the courage to ask me what I was talking about before I growled and hit his wall, backing away from him and breathing heavily into my hands.

He slightly ducks under my hit to the wall, and I see his hands start to shake. His eyes were from the past, I didn’t recognize whoever I was looking at…He is the old Landon right now. He’s afraid…and quiet. Very quiet.

I take my gaze away from him and shake my head. “You know, I really thought that this fucking baby thing might be alright, but my god was I wrong….” I seethed, and began to slowly pace around his room.

He was frozen to the spot.

“Want to know why?” I ask him with a sarcastic edge. He stares at the ground with frightened eyes, grabbing his torso in fear. His fingers were digging into his elbows and his knees starting to buckle.

“I thought that maybe…just maybe my dad would, I don’t know, call me crazy, stop fucking abusing me. All because of a fucking baby…It’s what he’s always wanted, right? A new kid…a chance to do it right this time. I thought that he would for some stupid fucking reason want to change….but of course that didn’t happen.” I darkly whisper to Landon.

“All this is a fucking nightmare, and I lost my mom along with it.” I add, trying to not fall over. God, was I dizzy…

I held my face in my hands and grabbed at my hair. Landon was just staring at me with uneven breath. He waited a minute before speaking up.

“B-but....” Landon fearfully whispers. I glare at him. “Maybe th-this will b-be some k-kind of m-mir-miracle…” He stutters uncontrollably under his fear.

I turn to him, my heartbeat going wild with anger. "How would you know?" I stood right in his face, looking down at his shaking body. “You’re an only child.” I add, pissed as hell he would even try and act as if anything good could come from this.

"I-I..." He whimpers.

"Huh?" I ask again in a evil growl. He winces and cowers away from me.

Oh, what alcohol can do to a person.

"He's going to keep doing it." I breathe. "Now he just has something else to fuck with. Another kid to screw up." I say to him. "This is anything but a goddamn miracle,babe."

Landon's tears seemed to be flowing free once again as he clutched his stomach tightly.

"...wh-who a-are y-yo-you?" He cries to me. "You're a-acting...s-sick in th-the h-head." He chokes.

"Oh, really?" I laugh.

I never knew that a drink could bring out so much hate.

I walk closer to Landon and he flinches, backing further away. "You p-promised you w-wouldn’t drink, n-now look at y-you." He whimpered. "G-get away from m-me..." He cries.

I just take a couple more steps. "Why?" I tilt my head.

"S-stop..." He whimpers when I get right in front of him. "Just l-leave." He winces, holding his arms against his chest.

"I’m not done with you..." I tell him, slipping my arms around his waist.

He immediately pushes me off. "N-No, Ever!" He yelled, roughly shoving me a foot away form him.

I stared, absolutely appalled with him, and before I even had time to process what I was doing...

I hit him hard straight across his scared face.

The second I did it, I seemed to sober up. What have I done?

I have never regretted something more in my entire life.

My heart starts going so fast, I cant even feel it anymore. I quickly back away from him and he slowly slides down the wall crying, holding his stinging cheek in his hands. I saw a little blood leaking from the side of his mouth. I tore his lip….and the whole left side of his face began to swell with a red and purple shadow…including his poor eye. He looks like me.

His eyes were wide with horror.

I stood there, shaking, staring at my boyfriend.

I hurt him. I broke my promise. I intake a shaking breath as he stares at me in pure shock. He tore his eyes away from me quickly and began to hyperventilate.

Regretful tears fall from my eyes. “Landon, baby…” I choked out softly and start to walk over to him. I sway a little under the poison still lurking inside me.

He shakes his head frantically back and forth. “D-d-don’t touch m-me!” He screams, stammering horribly as he backs into the corner of his room, further away from me. “D-don’t touch m-me…” He repeats to himself in a trembling sob.

I stop walking and stare at him in shock. He has never said that to me.

I sink down to my knees and begin to cry. “I’m so sorry…” I sob and stare at his terrified form. He wouldn’t look at me.

I began to scoot closer to him and he lets out this scream of fear, and holds his hands in front of him, preventing me from coming any closer.

This cant be happening. All I wanted was to show him how much I loved him…

“Please, I love you so much…” I quietly begged him, letting the tears fall freely now. I look up at him and he is shaking his head with a face only a scared little boy could make.

He doesn’t believe me.

“Yes I do! I love you so fucking much, Landon!” I cry, trying to convince him. He just shakes his head harder and cries into his hands.

I can’t bare this.

“Please say something…” I whisper in pain.

He keeps his head down and doesn’t say a word. All I heard was his shaky breathing and little hushed sobs.

He’s gone silent on me.

Oh god, please….not again.

I choked on a sob and stood up. My legs felt incredibly weak.

“I love you, Landon…more than anything in this world. Please forgive me…” I whisper to him.

He didn’t say anything. He didn’t move a muscle. He just stayed curled up in a tight, terrified, shaking little ball…crying his beautiful eyes out.

I can’t see him like this. I can’t stand seeing what I’ve done to him….

I curl my hands into fists, feeling my fingernails digging half moons into my palm, and bow my head in complete and utter defeat. I know that there isn’t a single thing I can do now. There isn’t a kiss I cold give him…or a single word that I can utter to make any of this ok…or to bring him back to where we fought so far for him to get to. I’ve rewound his tape, and started from the very beginning. All he sees me as now is someone that he should fear… and question, and tread lightly around…I’m locked out completely.

I never thought I would see this side of the fence again and, oh my god, is it dark over here. I’ve lost myself along with him and I don’t know who I am anymore. I don’t know who it is that tried to take his clothes off…or that yelled at him…or that hit him across his precious face. I don’t know at all…and I don’t want to know that person.

I feel my vision cloud over, and walk blindly towards his door. I don’t bother to look back…I wouldn’t want to scare him.

I walked down his stairs numbly, barely feeling the plush of the carpet under my converse, and find my way to his front door. I curl my hand around the cool metal of his door knob, not knowing the next time I’ll be allowed in here, and let myself out into the evening air. I walk to the very edge of his driveway and I stand there.

I don’t even recognize my street…or the sky above me, or the ground below. I don’t know which way is up, and I feel myself begin to sink. My feet feel like they way a hundred pounds as I try and drag myself home, but I can barely move, let alone breathe under this guilt. I’m suffocating…and I’m about to go under. I somehow stumble to my front door and swing it open, letting myself in.

The second I smell the alcohol, I double over and puke all over the entry way. I balance myself against the wall, picking myself back up, feeling the paint of the wall getting stuck under my finger nails as I desperately try to get upright. By some miracle, I succeed. I drag myself upstairs to my room, rushing to my bathroom, and empty the rest of the contents of my stomach into the toilet.

Even after I finish, I dry heave for another hour. I can’t even think of his face without having to throw up.

After a good two hours…I weakly stand up, and go downstairs. I clean up my mess, and throw the bottles away that I finished.

I don’t even care if my dad finds out. I really don’t. Kill me, for all I care. I have nothing left to lose.

I make it back upstairs and throw myself onto my bed, flat on my stomach. I don’t think I’ll be sleeping for a long while…a long fucking while. I curl on my side and pull the covers over me, fighting the urge to pull them over my head and suffocate myself.

As I lay here on my bed…sobbing uncontrollably, choking on my spit, gasping for breath, and tearing out my hair…all I could think of is one thing.

Landon said that I’m not my dad…but I think he’s wrong.

I am.