H.B. and Gypsy

To say I haven’t been pacing my room and occasionally pulling my hair out for the past hour would be a lie. They should be home by now. I mean, unless Landon changed his mind…or maybe they went to eat somewhere?

Who the fuck am I kidding. Landon wouldn’t go out in public after something like this, he would hardly go in public on a good day…

Stop waiting for them, Ever.

I scoff at the voice in my head, pinching the bridge between my eyes. I can’t. I know the second that I stop staring out my window, they’re going to pull up in the driveway and I’m going to miss it. Miss him. God knows when the next time he’ll let me see him will be.

I begin to nervously chew on my lip and hear a loud growl from my stomach. Shit. I still haven’t eaten. I let out a lengthy sigh and sit down at my desk, not taking my eyes off the window. I would wait here all day if I have to. It’s almost like I have to see him just to make sure he hasn’t disappeared completely from my life.

I rest my chin on my palm and feel my eyes begin to water. Great, now I’m forgetting to blink.

A loud buzzing resonates across my desk and up my arm. I look to my right and it’s my phone. I pick it up, still looking out my window.

“Hello?” I sound exhausted.

“Hey honey.” It’s my mom. I breathe out a sigh of bittersweet relief. There was a small part of me hoping that it was Mrs. Lee…but then again, that would only stir my nerves even worse than they already were.

“Oh, hey mom.” I say softly.

“How’re you doing? Any better than yesterday?” She asks kindly. Again, I feel guilt crawl up my spine and choke me. She should be worried about Landon, not me. Then again, she’s just one of many who doesn’t know what I did to my own boyfriend just two nights ago.

I take a deep breath, “Sure.” I keep it short with her, not wanting to keep the subject on me.

“You don’t sound sure.” Her voice grows concerned.

I stand up with a lengthy stretch and squint my eyes toward the window, “I’m fine, mom.” I peer down the street. I see a very familiar car.

No…it can’t be.

Is that….?

My heart springs back to life, I put my hand up to the window and my breathing picks up. I can’t see the fucking license plate! She sighs. “Ok, well I’m here if you need me.”

The car pulls up the street, and I immediately feel tears prick my eyes.

It is.

I ignore my mom, quickly stepping away from the window. “Oh, god.” I breathe quietly to myself. “Fuck.”

“Are you okay?” My mom worries. I attempt to catch my breath and answer her quickly.

“Yeah, yeah. I just stubbed my toe.” I babble out hurriedly. “Look mom, I gotta go. I’ll see you later.” I quickly hang up and throw my phone on my bed.

They’re home.

I stare out my window, hopefully keeping from being seen and watch the car pull into their driveway. I take a deep breath.

Mrs. Lee gets out and closes her door, making her way over to Landon’s side of the car. She opens his door and a frown makes it’s way to her face. She slowly kneels down to him, grabbing his hand. She stays there for a minute or two talking to him. It looks like he doesn’t want to get out of the car. I curl my head, and furrow my brow…and I see him. He’s covering his face and I can see his shoulders shaking with small cries.

I sharply look away, covering my eyes. “God…” I wince and take a minute, leaning my head against the wall. After a moment, with a hesitant stare, I make my way back over to the window.

My eyes find his face as he’s writing something down on his notepad to his mom. His bruising has gotten worse since it’s had time to settle in.

“Ugh, babe…” I choke on a wince, and look down.

And even though it killed me inside to see him this way, he still looked as beautiful as ever.

After Mrs. Lee read what he had written down, she nods and helped him out of the car. He moved slowly and timidly, his head pointed down at the ground. He shut his door and began walking towards his front door. I would’ve walked away at that very moment knowing that there wasn’t much left to see, but something stopped me.

Just before he walked into his front door, he stopped and turned his head…and looked at my house. I panicked, jumping sway from my window with a gasp. He looked for only second, and then stepped inside.

His front door closed and I stood there, catching my breath. My mind is instantly plagued with questions. One, however, was louder than the others.

Why did he look back?

________________________________________________________________________________________

For once, I’m actually glad that I had work today. I need advice. Badly.

It’s Jamie, Connor, Blair, and I. We’re all sat around the front counter of Sugar Shock after closing, sharing a bag of Doritos. By now, they all know what a terrible person I am and what I’ve done. Not much to my surprise, they are all beyond shocked. All except Connor, since he already knows. And for the past hour, I’ve been trying to give them just a facet of insight as to what it’s like to be inside of my miserable brain lately.

“Well, shit.” Jamie sighs and looks at Connor. “I don’t know, Con. Should he reach out to him?”

I look at Connor and wait. “What I’m worried about is his fragility. Because, if you approach him too soon, it could throw him for a loop and scare him off for even longer. Then again, if you wait too long, he might just figure you’ve given up on the relationship. I don’t know, man. Tough call.”

I groan and hold my head in my hands. “Blair? What about you?”

She sighs. “Honestly, for now, just stay away. I think you should definitely let him know that you’re ready to talk whenever he’s ready to talk. But other than that, give him his space. Knowing him, he’ll need that time desperately to build himself up again, you know? Leave it up to him.”

I nod my head. “Yeah. I just hate not knowing how long it’ll be. I’ll have to just call and leave a voicemail, since he doesn’t use his phone when…you know, he’s gone mute.” I let out a shaky breath.

“You know…” Jamie chimes in, “If he was willing to talk to anyone else, I would love to go talk to him for you? I mean, it’s fine that he uses his notepad, it doesn’t bother me.” He offers.

“Hm.” I blink. “Well, it’ll definitely be a few days till he’ll want even be around anyone, but yeah definitely. I can give you his mom’s number and you can call and see if he’ll want to have you over.”

“Sounds good.” Jamie nods.

________________________________________________________________________________________

The next morning I woke with an idea. I’m just going to write Landon a letter. Calling just seemed too impersonal…and god knows when he’s going to check his voicemails. At least this way I would know that his mom would give it to him and he’ll know I’m thinking about him. He needs to know that. Even if he doesn’t care…

“Mom, I’ll be right back!” I yell to her in the kitchen as I walk out the front door. I see Mrs. Lee gardening outside and practically jumped at the opportunity to give her what I had been working on till early this morning.

I spent all night writing this letter…at first it was really long and rambling, and then it was incredibly short and to the point…then it kind of just ended up being a terrible stream of thoughts on paper. In the end, however, I decided to just go with short. All that matters is that he knows I’m here when he’s ready and that I love him more than he can possibly grasp in that beautiful head of his.

I called Mrs.Lee this morning and she told me, predictably, that Landon isn’t ready to see me or anyone for that matter…but I already knew that. She said she would gladly give Landon my letter, but can’t promise when he’ll get back to me…but again, I knew that. As long as I know he’ll be holding it in his hands at one point or another makes it worth it.

I make my way over to her and give her a sad smile. “Well, here it is.” I softly mumble to her. She stands up and smiles, taking it from my hand.

“This will mean a lot to him, Ever. Thank you.” She grins.

“No rush.” I blurt out, “I mean, you know, tell him there’s no rush to read it. His pace is my pace.” I awkwardly stumble over my words.

“I’m sure he’ll want to read it right away, honey…but I’ll let him know.” She gives a soft laugh.

If only.

“Well, thanks again. I’ll hopefully see you soon.” I wave and make my way to my place. “Oh, Jane?” I spin around.

“Hm?” She looks up.

“Tell him I love him. Please?” I ask.

She nods. “I will.”

I nod and turn around, quickly stealing a glance towards Landon’s window before I made it to my house. He was sitting at his desk…drawing I think? His window is closed and he has headphones in, singing to himself. My sweetheart.

I sigh, opening my door not even having a second before my phone started to ring. I grab it out of my pocket and sit on my couch.

“Hello?”

“Hey, it’s Jamie.” He yawns.

“Oh, hey man. What’s going on?” I listen.

“Nothing, just wondering if you talked to Landon’s mom about me maybe seeing him sometime?” He asks curiously.

“Oh yeah, sorry I completely forgot to tell you…he’s not going to be wanting to see anyone for a while. I really appreciate the offer though, dude. At least we gave it a shot right?”

To be honest, it was a shit idea from the start. I know better than anyone that when Landon is like this he doesn’t want to be around a single human being, let alone someone he’s not even close with. I’ll be lucky if he wants to see anyone ever again after what I put him through.

“Yeah, I figured.” He sighed. “Where does that leave you two?”

“It leaves me waiting….and waiting some more.” I groan, leaning back on the couch.

And that’s exactly what I did.

I waited…for three weeks.

__________________________________________________________________________________________

I wish I could say that those three weeks went to good use, and that I used that time to take a hard look at myself and reflect on what I need to be doing to fix the mess I’m in…but sadly that’s not the case.

I’ve become a workaholic. If I’m not at the record store, I’m sleeping…or I’m out doing something with Connor that is, more times than not, for the shop. I’ve also started to work out with Connor and Jamie’s older brother Riley. I think subconsciously I’ve been hoping that the next time Landon see’s me I’ll be a new person or something… kind of like I’d shed the shell of my old self. I know it must sound stupid, but it’s the closest thing I can do to feel like a new person. A new body isn’t necessarily a new me, but it’s a start.

In those three weeks, I only called Landon once and it wasn’t to talk to him. It was strictly just to leave a voicemail. I made the call I think eleven or twelve days after he got my letter that I’m assuming he’s read by now. I basically just told him that it would be the last time I’d contact him until he’s ready to return the favor…not because I was angry at him, obviously, but because I want it to be entirely up to him when he decides he ready to talk to me. I’ll be right here waiting for him, he knows that.

It was a few days ago that I locked eyes with my boyfriend for the first time in three weeks.

I was running late for work, as usual, and I had just pulled out of the driveway making my way down the street…and there was Landon. He was taking snow for a walk, I guess. I hadn’t even noticed that I had taken my foot off the accelerator as I stared at him. My car was pulling to a slow roll down the street as my car got closer to him…and before I knew it, he looked up.

To say he looked shocked to see me was an understatement.

He was completely caught off guard, just standing there frozen with sad eyes before quickly looking down again and walking in the other direction.

It only lasted a second, but in that second my heart felt warm again.

The second he turned around, I blinked and caught my breath that I didn’t realize I had been holding in since the second I locked eyes with him. I sped up, heading toward the shop in a foggy haze.

It’s been two days since that happened…and here I am, replaying it in my head as if it’s the only memory I have.

I couldn’t help but notice a great deal of fear in Landon’s eyes when he looked at me…and it kills me to know that I’m the reason behind that fear.

I put my notebook down on the grass and lay down on my chair swing in the backyard with a deep sigh.

Breathe, ever…

I’ve been out here for maybe an hour writing in my journal. Connor thinks it’s important for me to write out what’s going on in my head so that it doesn’t boil over one day. I think it’s been helping.

I lay there for another minute before my eyes start to slowly fall closed.

Zzt!

My phone buzzes and I bolt awake, grabbing my phone off my stomach where it had been resting. I rub my eyes, trying to get my heart rate back to normal as I sit up and look at my screen with a loud yawn.

“Ever?” the text reads.

From: Landon.