There's A Possibility

My body had a mind of its own. Before I knew it, we were back at her apartment and I had her pinned beneath me, my hands roaming her smooth skin, her fingernails raked down my back; my name sounding beautiful against her lips.

The entire time she was beneath me, wrapped in my arms, John’s words resonated through my head.

“I need to ensure that everyone in this band is completely dedicated to the band alone. Once we make it bigger, then we can all have committed relationships, but right now are you really going to be so selfish as to put something like a fucking girl before the band? Are you really going to be that fucking selfish?”

I looked into her eyes as we finished. I had done it. I went against John.

I betrayed the band.

I’m a cold mother fucker who just burned my best friends.

But the look on her face when she reached her finish made my skin crawl, the sound of her screaming out my name making my heart stop.

She lay curled up beside me, her sleeping face serene and lovely and her lips almost pouting in her dreams.

Looking around her small apartment, I noticed that it was spotless. Not a thing out of place, not a speck of dust around the surfaces. So unlike myself.

Her small sitting area consisted of a small plaid couch and a coffee table on which sat a camera, film supplies, and a laptop.

What struck me, however, were the bookshelves that lined the walls, packed full to the brim with books of all shapes and sizes.

I couldn’t help but grin.

I looked down to her face; this girl was special, magical – and I was about to throw it all away.

I was careful when I disentangled myself from her embrace and stood, conscious not to cause any disturbance to her sleeping form.

Through my head, I ran through the options I had; I defiantly have to do this, there’s no way around it, but exactly how was I going to do this?

I could leave a note, but that would just make it harder in the long run.

In the end, I decided to just bite my tongue and do it.

I gathered up my clothes and quietly put them back on my body, my eyes never leaving her sleeping form as I did so.

Once I had all my things gathered up, I knew that the time had come.

Now, I wondered if I could do it.

My mind, my heart – was torn. I wanted more than anything to stay, but I knew that if I stayed, I would be hurting my four best friends – guys that had been there for me through everything.

I looked at her face for what felt like the final time, staring at her closed eyelids, knowing that if she were to open them, I would be hooked. One last look at those eyes and I would never be able to leave.

I wished she would just open those eyes.

But she never did. And she didn’t wake when I left her alone and cold.

As I walked out the door, my heart broke with every step I took.

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

When I arrived back at the hotel that we were staying at, I found the guys standing around the van sipping from Starbucks cups, most of our stuff packed up and ready to go.

John’s cold eyes found me as soon as I was within reach.

“Where’ve you been?” Jared asked. “I packed all your shit for you, man, you owe me. Big.”

I tried to smile, really I did. But my mouth couldn’t do it.

I don’t know if I’ll ever really smile again.

“Sorry…” I mumbled.

“It’s cool, man.” Jared replied, catching my solemn tone and climbing into the van.

“I’m driving!” Kennedy declared.

“And I’ve got shot gun!” Pat shouted as he climbed into the front passenger seat.

John climbed in the center seat in the back beside Jared, leaving me to sit between him and the door.

Once we were buckled up and going, the random chatter picked up and the open road lay ahead of us.

“Did you take care of it?” John whispered as he took a sip of his coffee.

It was sickening, he talked about her like she was an animal.

I nodded, keeping my eyes out the window. I could feel the bile rise up in my throat and I didn’t know if it was because of carsickness, or because of what I just did to a girl who did nothing to deserve it.

I’m going for the latter.

John’s hand squeezed my knee, as if that were supposed to make me feel better.

“It’s all for the best, man.” He said before turning and joining in on Jared and Pat’s conversation about lemurs and pterodactyls.

“All for the best.” I grumbled to myself. “Right.”

If it’s all for the best, than why do I feel like I just made the biggest mistake of my life?

I pictured her waking up, alone, wondering where I am. Why I left her.

Wondering if she'd done something wrong, wondering what she'd done to deserve this.

I couldn't stop the tears from falling from my eyes even if I wanted to.