Obsession

“Obsession; an unhealthy and compulsive preoccupation with something or someone.”

I guess you could call this an obsession. It was unhealthy and compulsive and it was over someone in particular. I don’t really remember when it all started. I don’t remember how old I was or what it was that triggered it. I don’t remember it clicking in my brain that I felt this way. I don’t remember where I was. I don’t remember who I was with or what exactly it is that I feel. But I think obsession was the correct definition.

"Love; a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person and a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend."

Love? Is that what this feeling is? A tender, passionate affection; a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection? That definition was dead on. I guess this is love. I would be lying if I told you that what I was feeling didn’t scare me; it absolutely terrified me.

I was scared that one day I was going to lose control. I was scared one day I would catch him coming out of the shower with just a towel around his waist and I would stare for a little too long or worse; pounce on him. I was scared that during a rehearsal or a concert, I’d throw him a compliment with a hidden meaning and someone would catch on. Rumours would fly and I’d have no choice but to out myself. I was scared that if we hug or he drapes his arm across my shoulders that I’d hold on to him too long; I’d lose my will and just go for it; kissing his cheek, his neck or his lips. I was scared that if my hand brushes his that I’d immediately take hold of it and not let go. I was scared that one day he would smile at me, those perfectly imperfect teeth shining, the eyes sparkling and I wouldn’t be able to help myself. I would run my fingers along his jaw line, trace the curve of his ear, play with his curls and I would kiss him with all the fire that’s burning in my gut. I was scared that if I was to do that he would push me away from his and smack me. He would lash out; punching, kicking, and screaming at me about how sick and twisted I was. It would hurt me. It would kill me on the inside. I would lose him permanently; the band would be over and no one would know why; unless he would tell them.

Would he tell people about something like that? I didn’t think so.
I constantly had to talk myself down; let myself know that everything I did was just brotherly affection; that he wouldn’t see through it. He wouldn’t see it for what it truly was; my poor attempt at achieving some sort of attention from him and some sort of affection. If you’re a fan, you know how often I hug him. I hug him on stage, during chats, in interviews. I couldn’t help myself; he was just too damn huggable. Sometimes I branch out; I kiss him on the cheek or the forehead when it’s just the two of us. He doesn’t acknowledge it. He just smiles goofily and wipes his forehead or cheek with the back of his sleeve. With every smile he gives me with those crooked teeth, I feel myself go weak at the knees, my palms grow sweaty and my heart races. I can’t help but feel like one of our many teenage female fans when he smiles at me. I know how they feel now. I know how important it is to have him look my in the eye and just smile. Even if it’s a smile where he hides his teeth; the light in his eyes just warms my heart. I know that sounds uber corny but it’s true. Knowing he’s happy makes me happy.

I couldn’t contain myself when he trimmed his ‘mini fro’ that he had going on. I could see his face more; his eyes, his jaw, his ears. I had voiced how much I liked the curls that sat on his forehead and those were the ones that survived the trimming scissors. I remember one occasion we had been sitting in the dining area of the tour bus. He sat across from me right after he had got his hair cut. He was tucking into a bowl of cereal and I was staring at his face. He looked down to the bowl and that one perfect curl had fallen forward into his eyes. My instincts had taken over and I reached across and brushed it backwards. He had jumped a little, before cocking an eyebrow at me and smiling awkwardly.

I find myself staring at him while he’s talking during an interview. I watch his mouth and how he fidgets when he’s bored. His answers are always so eloquent while I say yeah, like and um about a thousand times in one interview. I imagine what it would be like kissing those lips; even if it’s just the smallest of things. I knew he didn’t think that when I put my arm around him on stage, it was just my desperate attempt for him to pay attention to me. I wanted to feel the warmth of his body and inhale that intense aroma that was all him. Okay. That sounds creepy. We still shared little secrets. I liked to whispers things to him when we’re on stage or in the dressing room; things that we could do to Kevin on the bus, pranks or an idea to pull on stage.

Our song lyrics make me think about him even more on stage. I turn to him during our slower songs and sing the lyrics of our songs to him. Nick’s always rocking out and singing himself. He never notices it; unless I wander over and drape my arm across his shoulder and sing into his ear. During songs where we duet, I imagine that those words are directed at me.

When you look me in the eyes,
And tell me that you love me.
Everything's alright,
When you're right here by my side.
When you look me in the eyes,
I catch a glimpse of heaven.
I find my paradise,
When you look me in the eyes.

I know I find heaven in his eyes; big and brown with an intensity that only he can pull off. Does he find his paradise in my eyes? I can only dream. I can only dream of him and me, standing under the moonlight. He looks me in the eyes and whispers that he loves me. Those are the dreams that I wake up from in tears; tears of confusion and doubt and tears of realisation that that will never happen.

So turn right
Into my arms
Turn right
You won't be alone
You might
Fall of this track sometimes
Hope to see on the finish line.

I would everything for him to fall into my arms in his times of need. I was already his best friend; he told me everything. I made him smile, I made him laugh. I was the one he came to for advice about girls. Dishing out the advice killed me; I wished that it was me that he was getting advice about. I was clearly delirious. In those moments on stage where we would sing these songs I would look at him; desperate for him to catch on to what I was trying to portray. It never worked; his intensity never broke down and he sung to the audience; the girls screaming. They had the same dreams as me; him confessing his undying love for them in the most perfect way.

I had noticed Kevin giving me weird looks when he catches me looking at him. It’s not exactly a look of shock or horror; mainly one of confusion, complete confusion. He notices the smiles, the glances and the flat out staring. There’s always this fear hidden deep in the pit of my stomach that Kevin knows; that Kevin can read my thoughts. I fear that he knows what I feel and that he thinks ill of me because of it. However, Kevin has never mentioned anything. He talks and laughs along with me on stage, we hang out playing video games on the tour bus and I was the first he approached about being best man for his wedding. But I couldn’t help but be scared that if I was ever to just come out about this, that Kevin would hate me. If I can’t admit it to myself than how can I admit it to anyone else. Okay, here it goes; admitting it to myself.

My name is Joseph Adam Jonas and I am in love with Nick Jonas. Yes, that’s right; my little brother.

See, that wasn’t so hard, was it?

Feeling this way was hard. When I say hard I don’t mean it in the dirty sense of the word. I’m not some sicko that wants to throw Nick up against a wall and make out with him passionately and I don’t want to throw him down onto a bed and rip his clothes off and, do things to him I’d rather not think about. It’s not lust that I feel. I don’t imagine these things happening; how it would feel making love to him, having Nick perform sexual things to me. No, that wasn’t what I thought about. I thought about holding his hand and how his fingers would feel laced through mine. I thought about holding him close to me in a hug and having it have a completely different meaning. I thought about being able to kiss him on the cheek and have Nick blush profusely. I thought about him and I cuddling in a bed; with him curled into my side and my arms wrapped around him protectively. I thought about him telling me he loves me before we went to sleep at night. I thought about waking up to his smiling face. None of that sounds creepy does it? I hope not.

It made me jealous seeing Nick with Miley Cyrus or Selena Gomez; hugging and kissing. It should be cute that my little brother had a girlfriend but I just couldn’t feel that way. I had to avert my eyes when they were together and fight the overwhelming sensation to throw her off him and have him to myself. I had to fight the urge to stand up and storm out of the room angrily. But, in that circumstance i would have to come up with some stupid reason as to why i was storming off and i just couldn’t think of one.

When Nick was diagnosed with diabetes, I thought I was going to lose him. We had no idea what the disease was, we didn’t know what was happening to Nick’s body. He lost a lot of weight, drank so much water and was frequently using the bathroom. But the thing that scared me was how agro he had become. He turned into someone that I didn’t know. He wasn’t my Nick anymore. He wasn’t happy, he was tired all the time and he was snapping at everybody; mainly me. I yelled at him; told him to snap out of whatever mood he was in because I was getting sick and tired of it. He had shut down after that and just ignored me. I ignored him as well; I was mad. When he was hospitalised for 4 days after his diagnosis, I refused to leave his side. He apologised to me a million times or more; I didn’t say anything. I just lay beside him and held onto him like my life depended on it. I cried; I cried in relief that we could fight this illness that was changing my Nick. I wasn’t going to lose him after all. Since then, I have been the only one that can drag him out of the dark when he’s having an off day; when his blood sugar goes haywire. You can always tell; dark circles under his eyes, frown permanently attached to his lips and a thirst for everything. I would take him out; to a park, to a restaurant anywhere to get his mind off things. Or I would sit with him while he played his guitar and smiled at the beautiful melodies he created and hummed along to the lyrics he strung together.

I have my own little things I do; trying to keep my feelings a secret but getting a hit at the same time. I had collected some of the posters of Nick from the teen magazines. Mainly the ones where he has the slightest smile on his face. I like to imagine that he’s smiling because of me.

I check him out when he’s decked out in one of his trademark checked shirts and v-neck combinations; teamed with skinny jeans and his diabetes dog tags.
I always find myself laughing too hard at one of Nick’s lame jokes, earning a cocked eyebrow and a grin from Nick or a frown from Kevin. Or I smile like a fool when Nick glances my way during an interview or on stage.

I hold his hand a little longer then I hold Kevin’s when we bow out at a concert. No one ever takes notice and no one ever brings it up with me. It just hangs in the air and no one cares. I watch him and hold back tears when he’s performing one of his ballads; like A Little Bit Longer or Black Keys. I remember when he performed A Little Bit Longer at the Anaheim show in California, when we were filming our 3D movie and he spoke about his diabetes and how he found the strength to fight it. It brought me to tears hearing him talk about it; it drudged up old memories and fears of losing him all those years ago. He had cried himself that night and we had stayed up and I had held him close to me; his head in the crook of my neck and my arms tightly around his back; curled up on the couch on the bus.

We had fallen asleep in that position; with him curled into me and I was first awake. I looked down at him. He had been so peaceful. I wanted to caress the soft perfect skin of his cheek, hold him closer and kiss his forehead until the day I die. Great; now we’re back to creepy.
I wish it could be as simple enough to just say “Nick. I’m in love with you.” But that was wishful thinking. Nothing could be that easy. I would continue to admire from afar; look but not touch because I’d be hit with the consequences if I was to break him and there was no amount of money in the world that was enough to repair a broken heart and soul.

For some time I had myself fooled that Nick felt the same way about me as I felt about him. Nick always returns the smiles I throw his way. He holds onto me when we hug; his grip just as strong as me. When I put my arm around him on stage he leans into me every time, without fail.

One memory that was stuck in my mind is the one time on stage where Nick ran up to me and grabbed the front of my shirt; pulling me into him. I had to literally drag myself away because the intensity of that moment just begged for a lip lock climax. I feel my heart go ballistic when Nick hugs me and I’m not the one to initiate it.

It was one dreaded night that I let my inhibitions get the better of me. I strutted my way over to Nick and started to dance behind him; stupid as first the slower. I started thrusting into Nicks back. He didn’t find it as funny as the girls in the crowd had done. Nick had yelled at me for what seemed like hours and didn’t talk to me for a week.

I can’t help but feed of Nicks energy on stage. The theatrics, the spins, the jumps but most of all, the glint in his eye and the emotion he puts into his performance. He’s an intense little lightening rod and I am drawn to him like a lightning bolt. It was a magnetic force. I wanted to be close to him all the time. I treasure every touch, every fist pump, every hug, every smile and I constantly found myself overanalysing each and everyone in an attempt to find an alternative meaning behind it. I over thinks every hug, tackle and pat on the back Nick gives me. During each slow song, I have images that play in my head; images where Nick and I would dance. I would love to slow dance with him.

Once on stage, Nick ran his fingers through my hair; faux-hawk as the fans tagged it and I lost myself in Nick’s eyes. I took this as a sign that the feelings could be mutual until he dated Miley and Selena. After which I grew confused.

I have searched on the internet for stories about us as brothers. The term ‘Joick’ came up countless times and I grew curious. I don’t care that the fans make up stories about Nick and I. I have actually read some of them. However, they’re so unrealistic. Most was about fan fiction 'Nick' instantly feeling the same way about fan fiction 'Joe', after he confesses and vice versa. I know that it won’t happen like that. Actually it won’t happen at all.

Now that I think about it, even though I’ve dated the likes of Taylor Swift, AJ Michalka and Camilla Belle; maybe I’ve always felt like this.

“Dude, you’re thinking really hard,” Nick’s voice broke into my thoughts and I snapped my eyes up to look at him. “Don’t strain yourself or anything.”

“Oh, ha-ha Mr. Funny man,” I mock laughed and stood up from my position at the dining room table on the bus.

“What were you thinking about anyway?” he asked me and brushed that soft pesky curl out of his eyes.

“Nothing in particular,” I lied; avoiding his eyes.

“Are you sure?” he pushed. “I mean, you kept sighing and you had a pretty intense look on his face.”

“It was nothing alright?” I said loudly. “Geez! Can’t a guy think without getting the third degree?”

“Gosh. I’m sorry I asked.” Nick turned his back on me and started to head towards the front of his bus. I had popped over to help him get ready and wish him luck on his first show with The Administration. I sighed and followed him.

“Nick,” I called. “I’m sorry I snapped man.”

Nick turned around and faced me.

“I’m sorry I asked though,” he shrugged. “I’m just nervous about this, Joe. I mean, first time on stage by myself. I won’t have you and Kev to back me up; take the reins. I mean, I have to do all of the talking! That’s usually you’re job!”

“Hey hey hey,” I soothed. “Dude, you’ll be fine.”

He took a step closer to me. I could see the nerves written all over his face. I grabbed one of his wrists and pulled him into a hug. He hugged me back immediately. I savoured the moment; inhaling the scent of his hair deeply, treasuring the feeling of his arms wrapped around my middle.

“Thanks bro,” Nick told me and I sighed. ‘Bro.”

“Good luck tonight yeah?” I said to him; letting him go.

“Thanks,” he smiled. I felt my insides turn to jelly.

“I’ll be there cheering you on,” I grinned. “You know that. Now, get going!”

“Okay! I’m going!” Nick’s eyes lingered on mine for a fraction of a second before he turned around and walked away. “Love you Joe!” he called over his shoulder.

“Love you too,” I muttered to myself.

I turned and made my way back into his bus. I walked to the table and picked up my cowboy hat. I turned around again and walked back down the stairs. I slowly made my way to the venue on foot. A toot of a car horn made me stop.

“Yo Joe!” a voice called.

I looked to my right to find Garbo hanging half out of John Taylor’s truck. They all were wearing cowboy hats similar to mine.

“Want a ride, cowboy?” Garbo asked and he winked at me.

I punched him on the arm before popping my hat on my head. I walked around to the other side of the car and slid open the door. I climbed in and sat beside Jack Lawless.

“Let’s roll!” I ordered and John floored it.

“Yeehah!!” Garbo hollered out the window. I shook my head and laughed. With friends like these, who needs comedians?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Nick was fantastic on stage. He was mesmerizing. They way he played, the way he controlled the audience, the way he sang. The lyrics of these new songs were foreign to me, but already felt so sincere.

“This is Last Time Around!” Nick told the audience. The girls in the crowd below us squeals were all too familiar. It was obvious that probably 99.9% of the girls down there were fans of the Jonas Brothers as a trio. I tore my eyes from the crowd and locked them on Nick; my younger brother and the object of my affection.

He bit his lip and started playing the opening notes of Last Time Around. He moved to the beat; grooving a little and swaying his hips. They guys around me hooted and wolf whistled and I laughed along with them. Nick smirked and started singing.

Walk in the room
I'm a man on a mission
You're standing there and I feel that connection
I break the ice and I ask what your name is
Then I recall that we already did this
Somehow I missed it

I bit my own lip. Nick looked sexy. Did i just think that? The smirk on his face, the glint in his eye and the open button down shirt; he looked hot. He smirked again and started to jam to the chorus.

Keep on moving like you did last summer
When the grass was greener
And your hair was longer
If you, become familiar with another in town
Don't forget about the fun that we had
Last time around.

Nick shot a look up towards us and he smiled to himself. I smiled and bit down on my lip.

Yeah

You walk around with your new man, new plan
You think it's over but I'm just getting started
I try to call but you don't ever answer
I'd let you go but your all that I'm after
Can't you remember?

Keep on moving like you did last summer
When the grass was greener
And your hair was longer
If you, become familiar with another in town
Don't forget about the fun that we had
Last time around

“That feels good,” Nick told the crowd.

He started dancing around while playing the guitar. He smirked and bit down on his lip. I felt a lump from in my throat as well as somewhere else in my body. I didn’t realise how seeing Nick like this would make me feel. Usually when it was the three of us performing, i had something else to focus on but this time it was just him i had to focus on and he was driving me crazy.

So, keep on moving like you did last summer
When the grass was greener
And your hair was longer
If you, become familiar with another in town
Don't forget about the fun that we had
Last time around

Keep on moving like you did last summer
When the grass was greener
And your hair was longer
If you, become familiar with another in town
Don't forget about the fun that we had
Last time around

Last time around
Don't forget about it baby
Last time around
Woo

Last time around
Yeah
Last time around

Maybe i was lusting towards my baby brother now; he was just so hot on that stage. As Nick’s song came to a finish, i couldn’t stand it anymore.

“Excuse me,” i said to Chelsea and Garbo who were standing beside me in the row.

“Are you okay?” Chelsea asked; a sincere concern laced her voice.

Why couldn’t i be normal and go out with her? She’s pretty and she’s really nice. But i guess there’s just one thing wrong with her. She’s not Nick.

“I’m fine,” i lied and faked a smile. “I just need to use the bathroom.”

I shuffled my way passed them and then walked quickly down the hall that led to the bathrooms. It was practically alongside the stage so i could still hear Nick playing. I pushed open the bathroom door and walked through it. I stood in front of the mirror and leaned against the basin. I looked at my reflection.

“Snap out of it Joe!” i yelled at my reflection. “Suck it up! This isn’t normal.”

I sighed and turned my back on myself; resting against the basin with my butt.

I heard the faint sounds of the crowd cheering and Nick talking to them. I smiled at how Nick was talking to the crowd. He was right earlier. I was usually the one who spoke. I was the diva; i paraded around like a cock on parade. I tried to show everyone up. It was just who i am.

With one last glance at myself, I made my way out of the bathroom. I heard Nick talking to the crowd again.

“Okay everyone!” i heard him say. “This is a Jonas Brothers classic, so everyone should know this one. This is When You Look Me in the Eyes!”

I stopped dead in my tracks. What? What? Why that song? Why did he have to play that song? That was the song i considered “our” song, even if he didn’t know about it. That was the song that brought me to tears imagining Nick looking me in the eye and telling me that he loves me. The girls in the audience squealed and i turned on my heal; making my way quickly to the side of the stage. I heard Nick start singing.

oh yeah oh yeah
If the heart is always searching,
Can you ever find a home?
I've been looking for that someone,
I'll never make it on my own.
Dreams can't take the place of loving you,
There's got to be a million reasons why it's true.

I walked through the black curtains and got stopped by one of the security guards.

“Hold it right there young man,” he said in his stern security guard voice.

I tipped my hat up so he could see my face. He stepped to the side and let me by. I made my way up the little stairs on the side of the stage and stood beside the tour manager and my dad. He smiled at me when he saw me.

When you look me in the eyes,
And tell me that you love me.
Everything's alright,
When you're right here by my side.

Dad waved his arm above his head and Nick caught sight of it; he glanced over and waved his hand gesturing for me to join him on stage.

When you look me in the eyes,
I catch a glimpse of heaven.
I find my paradise,
When you look me in the eyes.

A microphone was thrust into my hand and dad shoved me gently. I tripped my way onto stage and was suddenly nervous. Nick smiled softly and the girls in the audience went nuts when they saw me walk by Nick’s lead guitarist, Sonny. The beat picked up and I started to sing; choosing to sing the original lyrics from Nick’s solo album back in 2004.

”How long will I be waiting, to become a better man?” i sung directly to Nick.

Nick smiled and turned to face me; singing the lyrics back to me. I must be dreaming. There is no way this is real.

“Gonna tell you that I love you, in the best way that I can.” Nick sang.

“I can't take a day without you here,” i replied. I tried to emphasise my sincerity through my singing voice. A wider smile appeared on Nicks face. I think it worked.

”You're the light that makes my darkness disappear.

When you look me in the eyes, and tell me that you love me,” we sang in unison. “Everything's alright, when you're right here by my side. When you look me in the eyes, I catch a glimpse of heaven. I find my paradise, when you look me in the eyes.”

Nick and i stood face to face; no more than two feet apart.

”More and more, I start to realize,” Nick threw his head back and crooned.

”I can reach my tomorrow, i can hold my head up high,” I replied.

Nick looked me in the eye and with a smile on my face; i knew i was in heaven.

”And it's all because you're by my side,” he sang in an almost angelic voice. Who am i kidding? It is an angelic voice. We finished the song in unison.

”When you look me in the eyes, and tell me that you love me. Everything's alright, when you're right here by my side. And when I hold you in my arms, I know that it's forever I just got to let you know, I never want to let you go, ‘cause when you look me in the eyes. And tell me that you love me.

Everything's alright, when you're right here by my side. When you look me in the eyes, I catch a glimpse of heaven. I find my paradise, when you look me in the eyes. Oh yeah, oh whoa yeah.”

The closing notes played and Nick and i stood looking at each other. The crowd roared to life; both squeals and cheers were heard all over. Both of us wore a smile on our face. He took my hand in his and turned the crowd. We bowed.

“Give it up for my best friend in the world, my brother Joe Jonas!” Nick grinned at me.

Once again the crowd erupted. I smiled into the audience as my world shattered around me. ‘My brother,’ i was his brother and that’s all I’ll ever be. I smiled at Nick once more before leaving the stage.

“This is my last song for tonight!” he announced into the crowd. “I expect you all to sing along. This is Who I Am.”

I trudged down the stairs, defeated; thrusting the microphone into my dad’s hand as i went. I shoved my hands into my pockets and walked slowly away from the stage. My problem is is that i live in my head too much. I thought up fantasies that i thought could come true one day; ones where Nick and i were happy. I sighed. I felt something in my pocket and i rustled around; pulling out a small slip of paper.

Meet me on the bus. We need to talk. Nick.

I looked down at the paper. When did he put that in there? I pulled a face at the small note in my hands. What could he want to talk about? Oh crap! I slapped my forehead; earning glances from other people walking through the corridors. He knows; he saw something when i was singing to him. He knows; he’s figured it out. He knows that i love him; that I’m in love with him. I scrubbed my hand over my face and read the note one more time.

‘I have two options,’ my brain said. ‘One, avoid the situation, pretend you didn’t get the note and completely ignore it. Or, suck it up and go to Nick’s bus and wait for him.’
If only there was a third option. I sighed as my non-brother side won and I walked slowly to Nick’s bus. I climbed aboard and took a seat in the dining area and waited for Nick to arrive.

It took him half an hour; or twenty eight minutes to be exact for Nick to walk up the stairs of the bus. I sat behind the table, my hands clasped on it and my chin resting on my hands. I still had my hat on as well as my Nick Jonas and The Administration t-shirt i had bought. Nick stopped in front of me and i peered up at him with just my eyes.

“I wasn’t sure if you would get my note,” he told me in a small voice.

“I wasn’t sure if you were going to come,” i replied honestly.

“I have to come back here anyway,” he shrugged and sat down beside me. “I’ve got to ride in this thing to the next city.”

“True,” i blushed at my own stupidity. I sat up properly. “Anyway, what’d you want to talk ot me about?”

“Tonight,” Nick broke our eye contact and looked at the table. “During When You Look Me In The Eyes; how you were looking at me. It was, different to how you’ve look at me before.”

I was floored. My heart flew to my throat and then plummeted to my stomach in one swift movement. He could tell? He saw it. Shit!

“I did?” play dumb; nice move Joe. I stood up; just in case i needed to make a quick exit. Nick’s eyes followed me and he stood up too. I sat up on the table and Nick stood across the small walk way up against the bench that held the microwave.

“Yeah,” Nick looked around nervously. “The way you looked at me, it was like what the lyrics were saying above love and stuff. It was like you were trying to, you know.”

“What?”

“Convey a message,” Nick caught my eye and i felt my face burn red.

I felt nervous tears fill my eyes and i blinked them back. I cleared my throat.

“What message?” i stammered out.

“That you, and don’t hate me for saying this okay and don’t like, hit me or anything,” he said. “Promise me?”

“I promise,” i whispered. I looked him in the eye.

“It was like, you were trying to tell me you were in love with me or something,” Nick stuttered out really quickly. he searched my eyes and i immediately dropped my gaze. I felt shame wash over me.

“Oh,” I said in a small voice. I studied the tops of my shoes as well as the carpet at my feet; anything to stop me from looking up.

“It’s true?” Nick asked; his voice monotone.

What should i say? Should i nod and say yes? Tell my little brother that I’m in love with him. Or should i say no and continue to live life as a huge lie. I swallowed in an attempt to stop the tears. I nodded ever so slowly, not taking my eyes of the floor.

It was silent before Nick burst out laughing. I looked up suddenly and he was in a fit of giggles. I felt myself grow angry.

“I’m glad my personal anguish amuses you,” i spat at him before turning and storming my way out of the bus.

Nick stopped laughing and i heard him come after me. I didn’t stop running. I held onto my hat to stop it from flying off in the breeze.

“Joe! Will you stop please?” i heard Nick shout after me.

I kept running until i hit a tree line. I stepped between two of the trees and hid behind one like a child. How could he laugh at something like that? How could he hurt me like that? How inconsiderate can one human being be?

“Joe?” I heard Nick speak again. “Joe. Please come out from wherever you are.”

I stayed still, trying to even out my breathing. I bit my bottom lip hard; successfully keeping my tears at bay.

“Fine,” Nick sighed. “but just know, wherever you are, i wasn’t laughing because of what you admitted. I was laughing because i was relieved.”

“What?” i couldn’t help myself. I stepped out from behind my tree and stepped between the two i had previously. Nick stood a few feet back from me; his back to the tree line. “What were you relieved about?”

Nick turned slowly and i saw the slightest smile on his face. He walked towards me and grabbed my wrist; pulling me through the trees into the open clearing. I looked up briefly at the full moon above us.

“i was relieved that you feel the way you do,” Nick explained.

“What? Why?” I argued. “This is wrong, what I feel. I shouldn’t feel this way about my own brother. Its sick, its wrong, its disturbing and it’s incest.”

“Ditto,” Nick said simply.

“What?” I was gobsmacked.

“Did you think that i couldn’t see the signs Joe?” Nick asked me. “Do you think i couldn’t see how you felt about me? The hugs, the stares and how you held my hand. When i figured it out i couldn’t help but think about you all the time. I realised that, i feel the same way you do.” i noticed hoe his voice became more unsure as he spoke.

“What?”

“I, i guess I’m in love with you, Joe,” he admitted.

“What?”

“But if you say what one more time, I’m drop kicking you across the field,” he threatened.

I smiled a little. Nick stepped forward and pulled off my cowboy hat. He held it. He leaned in a pressed a soft kiss on the corner of my mouth where my smile had been hidden. As he pulled away, i smiled wider and wider until my smile became a grin. I leaned in and kissed him properly; lip to lip contact. I held it for a moment before pulling away.

“i, guess I’m in love with you too Nick,” i smiled at him.

We stood looking at each other for a long moment; smiles on both our faces. I took the hat from him and plopped it onto his head. The hat pushed the single curl down more onto his forehead; brushing across his eyebrow. He pulled a face.

“It looks cuter on you, Nick,” i told him and he blushed.

“So, where do we go from here?” Nick asked; a worried look crossing his features suddenly.

I shrugged and smiled at him.

“Wherever our heart takes us,” i told him and kissed his cheek. He smiled at me from under my hat. I laced our fingers together; it was just as I imagined.

I guess my fantasy, just became a reality.