Can't I Stop This?
But Can I Help Myself?
I find my way to my bedroom, and into my bed. The window is open and I can feel a breeze that creates a cold climate in the small space. I'm too lazy to get up and close the window so I crawl under that covers and curl up into a ball hoping I get some sleep. As I try to drift off I can hear the normal Sunday morning humbug. There are families getting in to cars, children playing in their yards, parents calling them in for brunch. Then right as I think I'm about to fall asleep, I feel another body next to me. It's Jill. She's soft and gentle now. Not like I'd imagine her to be.
"Let me show you something." She whispers into my ear as she gets closer to me. Soon enough she's wrapped around me and then, I feel nothing. Then, I'm asleep.
I'm dreaming now, but it feels so real. I'm at Chester's house and everyone is greeting me. Everyone is yelling at me. They call me names I don't recall hearing in the past. They all pat my back and touch my shoulders. They laugh in my direction and hand me drinks. I'm loved.
"Did you come back for me?" A girl comes up behind me and lightly touches my shoulder as she glides around me to see my face. She smiles at me like I know what she wants from me. It's a face of someone on the swim team. Amanda... Adrianna... Allison? Something with an A.
Then I speak from what I feel is not my own will. "I was actually looking for some one else." I say in a voice I've never used with anyone before. A tone I never thought I'd ever need to use. Like I was trying to hurt someone's feelings. Like I thought this girl was trash and her need for me was pathetic. Her smile fades and her hand falls from my shoulder.
"I..." She trails of and looks down towards her feet in shame.
"Babe, please! I'm kidding!" She looks up at me with hurt in her eyes, "Come on, I was joking." I take the side of her face into the palm of my hand. I lean into her and whisper, "I need you."
She looks at me with a childish grin. "That's cool..." she trails off and bats her eye lashes at me.
"Come on, I know where we can go." I take her hand and I lead her down the hall to Chester's parents' room. I know what happens next. I don't want to do it but, I know it's going to happen. Like I've already been here and I already know what's happening to me. Before we enter the bedroom I see Jill out the corner of my eye standing in a corner with her arms crossed. That cynical smile on her face like she knew how I felt about this.
Then it happened. It was quick, and emotionless, and it was just wrong. But I found out her name. And I remembered her. She was nice, and cute, and a good student. Why was she doing this?
I leave the room first and let Natasha to get dressed on her own. I want to turn around and apologize. I want to go back and tell her she is beautiful and smart and shouldn't throw her self around like that. But I just continue down the hall. People look at me like they know what I've done and they're proud. I hear Natasha come out of the room but I don't turn to see her. That was the plan. Keep her coming after me. Keep her coming after me so I got what I wanted, and she got what she wanted. But it's not what I wanted, and not what she wanted. It was what Jill wanted.
I enter a group of people I don't know and tell provocative stories and secrets ans private things about Natasha. I call her a slut and a tease. I laugh and tell them at least she makes some noise. Then I grab some drinks and they go straight through me. It's like I'm drinking water.
Natasha keeps staring at me the rest of the night like I should be with her. And I want to. I want to apologize and tell her it's not my fault. I want to tell her to stop coming after me. I want her to know she's so much better than that. But I don't. I ignore her and talk to other girls to get the same thing.
Soon enough I've got a group of girls following me. Each one is touching me somewhere on my body to make sure I don't get away. But by this time I'm drunk, and I don't give half a shit about the girls anymore. So I run. I run through the house and out the back door. The same place I thought of earlier while trying to remember why I had felt so sick.
And there it all was. Jill had shown me last night. She let me in her mind and she let me see what she sees. She's trying to help me. She is helping me. But can I help myself?
"Let me show you something." She whispers into my ear as she gets closer to me. Soon enough she's wrapped around me and then, I feel nothing. Then, I'm asleep.
I'm dreaming now, but it feels so real. I'm at Chester's house and everyone is greeting me. Everyone is yelling at me. They call me names I don't recall hearing in the past. They all pat my back and touch my shoulders. They laugh in my direction and hand me drinks. I'm loved.
"Did you come back for me?" A girl comes up behind me and lightly touches my shoulder as she glides around me to see my face. She smiles at me like I know what she wants from me. It's a face of someone on the swim team. Amanda... Adrianna... Allison? Something with an A.
Then I speak from what I feel is not my own will. "I was actually looking for some one else." I say in a voice I've never used with anyone before. A tone I never thought I'd ever need to use. Like I was trying to hurt someone's feelings. Like I thought this girl was trash and her need for me was pathetic. Her smile fades and her hand falls from my shoulder.
"I..." She trails of and looks down towards her feet in shame.
"Babe, please! I'm kidding!" She looks up at me with hurt in her eyes, "Come on, I was joking." I take the side of her face into the palm of my hand. I lean into her and whisper, "I need you."
She looks at me with a childish grin. "That's cool..." she trails off and bats her eye lashes at me.
"Come on, I know where we can go." I take her hand and I lead her down the hall to Chester's parents' room. I know what happens next. I don't want to do it but, I know it's going to happen. Like I've already been here and I already know what's happening to me. Before we enter the bedroom I see Jill out the corner of my eye standing in a corner with her arms crossed. That cynical smile on her face like she knew how I felt about this.
Then it happened. It was quick, and emotionless, and it was just wrong. But I found out her name. And I remembered her. She was nice, and cute, and a good student. Why was she doing this?
I leave the room first and let Natasha to get dressed on her own. I want to turn around and apologize. I want to go back and tell her she is beautiful and smart and shouldn't throw her self around like that. But I just continue down the hall. People look at me like they know what I've done and they're proud. I hear Natasha come out of the room but I don't turn to see her. That was the plan. Keep her coming after me. Keep her coming after me so I got what I wanted, and she got what she wanted. But it's not what I wanted, and not what she wanted. It was what Jill wanted.
I enter a group of people I don't know and tell provocative stories and secrets ans private things about Natasha. I call her a slut and a tease. I laugh and tell them at least she makes some noise. Then I grab some drinks and they go straight through me. It's like I'm drinking water.
Natasha keeps staring at me the rest of the night like I should be with her. And I want to. I want to apologize and tell her it's not my fault. I want to tell her to stop coming after me. I want her to know she's so much better than that. But I don't. I ignore her and talk to other girls to get the same thing.
Soon enough I've got a group of girls following me. Each one is touching me somewhere on my body to make sure I don't get away. But by this time I'm drunk, and I don't give half a shit about the girls anymore. So I run. I run through the house and out the back door. The same place I thought of earlier while trying to remember why I had felt so sick.
And there it all was. Jill had shown me last night. She let me in her mind and she let me see what she sees. She's trying to help me. She is helping me. But can I help myself?