Dying to be Thin

I ate too much today.

One bowl of cereal,

With 2% milk:

240 calories.

Five Guys Fries:

310 calories.

One banana,

With one teaspoon of peanut butter:

267 calories.

Five pretzels:

200 calories.

My stomach can’t handle all the food.

Neither can Ana.

I watch,

Mesmerized,

Immobilized,

As she drags my body,

Into the bathroom,

In front of the toilet.

Throw it up.

She orders,

Revolted.

Her anger,

Her disgust,

Forces my knees to buckle.

I crawl forward,

Shove my finger,

Down my throat.

Deep,

Deeper,

Deepest,

Until I hit that magic spot.

Feel the food begin to work its way,

Up and out.

And then stop.

I remove my finger,

Back away from the toilet.

THROW IT UP!

Ana screeches,

Trying to drag my limp body,

Closer to the porcelain bowl.

I flinch,

But I don’t move an inch,

Even though every fiber of my being,

Is trying to lunge for the toilet,

And empty myself of these sins.

Her screams fill my ears,

Until I’m crying from the pain.

She unlocks the vault,

Pulling images of my fat body,

Out of the deepest, darkest recesses of my mind.

Letting them wash away,

Any thought of resistance.

No.

I tell her,

Panting from the effort.

Perspiration beads drip from my forehead,

As I struggle,

To put the images back in their box.

Miraculously,

I manage,

Slamming down the lid,

And locking it up tight.

I stand up,

Shaky hands,

Shaky limbs,

And somehow walk out of the bathroom.

But I don’t make it very far.

My pounding head,

Sends me straight to the couch,

Where I curl up and cry,

Loathing myself for failing her.