According to You

Dear diary, book, whatever. 09.13.09

Right now everything is completely shit.
I wish I was home every day. I wish I could see my parents everyday! The family I'm staying at is ok, but the school does not work what so ever. I don't feel at home there at all. Not that I need to feel at home in school, but I wish I would feel like I belonged. Something I haven't felt in a long time.
This was supposed to fix things!

My mom and dad were going to Fiji 4 months ago. They never made it. Less than 1 in 100000 planes crash, and my parents had to sit on the one. It's not fair.. No words can describe how much I miss them.

Since my brother is 21, lives in LA and is too busy with his band to care about me, I had to find someone else to live with. Due to the fact that I'm 17 and cannot legally move out alone, or live in our house alone, I have to find a place to stay till I get 18 and till I graduate. The police, or whoever finds families for orphans found a family in California that had always wanted an exchange student, but it had never really happened that they actually had one, so they gladly said they could take me in. I'll admit I felt a little weird about it, but I would only be living there for a year.. So I moved from Texas to the little town Mendocino, California. My aunt and uncle had me for about a month, while waiting for a new family. They couldn't have me staying there for long, considering their jobs and living conditions.

At school I've yet again ended up walking as a ghost through the halls of the school.
Past the kids that talks about the latest news and laughs with their friends. Having fun.
A few days ago I started to scratch my wrist again. Something I haven't done in over 4 years. It feels good, and makes me feel more sorry for myself. It's so far pathetic, considering that it is exactly what I want to achieve, more self-pity. Also the fact that I do not actually cut myself with knives or other sharp blade, but actually just using the sharp side of a eyebrow plucker. But I still feel the pain, which is what I want.

Every wednesday, thursday and friday I have to be at school an hour before it starts. Why? Because it takes 15 minutes to walk, and I hurt my left foot about a year ago in an accident, that still hurts like hell if I walk to much on it. And I do certainly not wanna use crunches.

Anyways, last Wednesday, I went so far that I actually brought my eyebrow plucker to school and sat on the handicap toilet and scratched it hard over my wrist. Over and over again. Pathetic. Afterwards I sat up against the wall to calm myself down, so long that suddenly all the lights in the entire bathroom turned off. It was one of the creepiest things I have ever experienced. Especially when I heard footsteps, but they were most likely from outside the bathroom..But it was still scary. God, I hate this place. Not Mendocino, cause the place is beautiful and actually everything I've ever dreamed of when I've imagined the perfect place to live, but the school. God.

Tomorrow we're gonna act in one of my classes.. That's just perfect.
One of the worst things a fucking stupid teacher can come up with...
It's 2 AM now, so I'm going to bed. Can't wait to lay here in my bed tomorrow, cause then I'm done with the fricking messed up play!
Night.