Peter Pan: Uncut
The Whole Story
Once upon a time, there was a flying boy, who never grew up. His name was Peter Pan and he was amazingly a homosexual. Peter Pan lived in a far-away land called Everland. There lived a tribe of Indians (who ran a well established casino), emo (or suicidal) mermaids and pirates that Peter said were very ‘stylish’.
Peter often flew to the human world to sit on the windowsill of the Darling manor and listen to Wendy Darling telling fairy tales. One night, while doing so, the Darlings’ pet bat escaped from its cage and flew out the window, knocking Peter off his perch. Peter then screamed before realising that he could fly and that the Darling children were staring at him. These children had never noticed Peter before and were quite shocked to find the boy wearing unusually girly looking clothes. To break the awkward silence Peter told them of Everland, mentioning many times how ‘stylish’ the pirates were. The Darling children thought Everland sounded awesome, and so they all hitched a ride with Peter as he flew to Everland.
On arrival Peter thought he would give them a tour of his realm. He started, of course, at the Pirate Cove where he thought he would try, yet again, to find acceptance with the pirates. “Hi boys!” said Peter ever so gaily.
“Get lost ye bilge rat!” said the pirates in unison. “Did you hear how they said that? Oh my gosh they are so stylish, handsome and wonderful…” said Peter with a gleam in his eye looking off into the distance.
“We be macho men so get out of here before we make ye walk the plank!” shouted the pirates.
Well Peter could certainly take a hint, and flew off to the Indian casino. “Oh isn’t this place just fabulous!” exclaimed Peter as he admired the male exotic dancers.
Soon Peter commenced the last leg of his journey to the Lightless Lagoon which the emo mermaids call their home. “So how is life as a mermaid?” asked Wendy, “I’ve always wanted to know.” The nearest mermaid turned to her and said: “My life is like a dark abyss, just endless pain and suffering… The other day I tried to drown myself, but it didn’t work… Water is just another ‘conformist’ I have to deal with…”
“Oh Peter,” said one of the not so gloomy mermaids, “We have a message for you from the pirate Captain Sook. He says that he hates you ever so much, and that if by tomorrow at dawn you have not changed your gay ways and have stopped talking to him, he will kill you.”
“NO! My life is not worth living…” said Peter with a suicidal look in his eye.
“Peter,” said Wendy looking scared, “I would like to go home.”
“Take yourself home, I have lost the will to live...” said Peter.
“I will take you home.” Said Peter’s drunk pixie friend Tinkerbell who took another swig of her tequila bottle while holding a twelve-gauge in her arms. She had been growing jealous of Wendy ever since Peter started hanging out with her.
The end of this story is too violent to tell, however I will say this: Wendy never made it back home.
The End.
Peter often flew to the human world to sit on the windowsill of the Darling manor and listen to Wendy Darling telling fairy tales. One night, while doing so, the Darlings’ pet bat escaped from its cage and flew out the window, knocking Peter off his perch. Peter then screamed before realising that he could fly and that the Darling children were staring at him. These children had never noticed Peter before and were quite shocked to find the boy wearing unusually girly looking clothes. To break the awkward silence Peter told them of Everland, mentioning many times how ‘stylish’ the pirates were. The Darling children thought Everland sounded awesome, and so they all hitched a ride with Peter as he flew to Everland.
On arrival Peter thought he would give them a tour of his realm. He started, of course, at the Pirate Cove where he thought he would try, yet again, to find acceptance with the pirates. “Hi boys!” said Peter ever so gaily.
“Get lost ye bilge rat!” said the pirates in unison. “Did you hear how they said that? Oh my gosh they are so stylish, handsome and wonderful…” said Peter with a gleam in his eye looking off into the distance.
“We be macho men so get out of here before we make ye walk the plank!” shouted the pirates.
Well Peter could certainly take a hint, and flew off to the Indian casino. “Oh isn’t this place just fabulous!” exclaimed Peter as he admired the male exotic dancers.
Soon Peter commenced the last leg of his journey to the Lightless Lagoon which the emo mermaids call their home. “So how is life as a mermaid?” asked Wendy, “I’ve always wanted to know.” The nearest mermaid turned to her and said: “My life is like a dark abyss, just endless pain and suffering… The other day I tried to drown myself, but it didn’t work… Water is just another ‘conformist’ I have to deal with…”
“Oh Peter,” said one of the not so gloomy mermaids, “We have a message for you from the pirate Captain Sook. He says that he hates you ever so much, and that if by tomorrow at dawn you have not changed your gay ways and have stopped talking to him, he will kill you.”
“NO! My life is not worth living…” said Peter with a suicidal look in his eye.
“Peter,” said Wendy looking scared, “I would like to go home.”
“Take yourself home, I have lost the will to live...” said Peter.
“I will take you home.” Said Peter’s drunk pixie friend Tinkerbell who took another swig of her tequila bottle while holding a twelve-gauge in her arms. She had been growing jealous of Wendy ever since Peter started hanging out with her.
The end of this story is too violent to tell, however I will say this: Wendy never made it back home.
The End.