Kare Uta

In the seven years that he’d been in the band, never had they expressed so much concern over Kai’s lack of sleep and the tightening of his clothes. Never in those seven years had that been a problem- he’d always had a bit of coffee, given himself a minute, and pushed on, and weight gain had never been a problem for him and his metabolism that usually left the others in the dust. But of course, coffee hadn’t been tasting the same and nor had it been staying down, and so he was left with not as much energy as before and a weight gain to boot.

The band had begun to notice.

“Kai-chan, you look tired.”

“Want some coffee to wake you up, Kai-chan?”

“Kai-chan, you’ve put on some weight, are you sure you’re not eating too much?”

Kai was, in truth, exhausted. He hadn’t slept through the night in three weeks, he’d thrown up everything he’d eaten for the last month, and yet he’d still managed to gain a few pounds. Coffee didn’t taste the same, and Aoi’s back rubs in the middle of the night had done absolutely nothing to put him to sleep. The band had started to notice, and as a result, his usual bright-eyed, dimpling smile had been reduced to something forced and tense.

He’d countered the weight comment with a quiet, “Well, I’d always thought I’d been too skinny, and besides, you know I love Fukuoka ramen,” but he’d become frustrated with himself- if the band was noticing, then the fans would notice, too. The idea of being less than grinning, carefree Kai on stage was one that made him shake his head in dismay. He would have to work to at least be that way on stage. The band could go to hell if they wanted him to be cheery otherwise.

“Kai-chan.” He turned his head and smiled, trying to make it reach his eyes but failing. “You look tense, Kai-chan. Come here, love.” Kai nearly melted; nothing sounded better than Aoi’s silky-smooth voice and the idea of being wrapped in his warm hold. He sighed and let the guitarist wrap his arms around him, and he rested his head on his shoulder and let his eyes close almost right away. “Something bothering you?” Aoi murmured to him, and Kai shivered as he felt the guitarist’s hand sliding up and down his back. “You’re never this tired. What’s going on?”

Kai gave a half-hearted groan in response, and he felt Aoi’s smile as plush lips pressed a kiss to his neck. The rough hands on his back continued their gentle motion, and Kai gave a small sigh as he was brought closer and closer to the decision to give in and spill everything. “Haven’t been feeling so good lately,” he sighed, and he heard Aoi’s short ‘Mmm’ in reply. Aoi knew; he’d heard the drummer rushing to the bathroom at all hours of the night, and he’d come in, half-awake, to softly rub his back and sit with him until he was okay. “Going to see the doctor tomorrow,” he breathed, and he relaxed into the guitarist.

“Sounds good,” Aoi said quietly, and he let his hands come to a rest at the small of Kai’s back, gently pressing him closer. “I can go with you, if you want.” This earned him a smile, and he tipped the drummer’s chin up so that he could give him a gentle kiss. The drummer gave a quiet ‘Hmmm’ in response; it was clear to the guitarist that going to the doctor together was the last thing on his mind. He felt Kai’s slender fingers touch his cheek, and he smiled into the kiss; Kai couldn’t be hormonal and angry when his attention was focused on something other than the things that had been going wrong. “Recording’s over,” he said quietly. “Want to go home?”

Kai nodded, smiling a little and nodding meekly. “Hai,” he answered, and his cheeks tinged a little. “Could you say goodbye to the band for me? I have to use the bathroom again.” He gave a small, classic smile, and Aoi nodded, accepting a kiss as his reward. “I’ll meet you in the car, okay?” He nodded again, and he watched as Kai hurried off toward the bathroom before he turned and walked back into the studio to say goodbye for the weekend.

Kai, however, felt miserable. As soon as he reached the bathroom, his stomach began to churn ungratefully, and he held his hand over his mouth until he’d gotten into a stall to up-heave any food he’d had that day. He groaned – he was not going to have Fukuoka ramen again until whatever this was had passed. For a second, he wanted Aoi to come find him and make it better, but he knew there was no way for the guitarist to do so unless he could make the random urges to vomit go away.

He sighed and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, and he flushed the toilet with an embarrassed blush rising in his cheeks. He ticked another day off in his head; this was day number 32 of misery. He walked to the sink, and he let the tap run for a second before he dipped his hands into it, cleaning them off and then wiping his face. He tried a smile as he looked at his reflection, but it faded into a frown as he looked at himself. His shirt seemed tighter than it had when he’d bought it, and his hips didn’t look as thin as they had the last time he’d really seen himself in a mirror. He furrowed his eyebrow; Aoi was either blind or stupid for not having mentioned these changes in him.

He spent the next minute or so adjusting his hair, and then he relented. He knew he wasn’t going to look satisfactory until he’d slept a full night, and he wasn’t exactly sure if he knew when that was going to happen. He’d made a note to buy more foundation the next time he and Aoi went out, but even that, he thought, wouldn’t be enough. “Ridiculous, Kai-chan,” he chided himself, and he left the bathroom, walking out to the car, greeted by Aoi’s patient smile as he settled into the passenger seat. He gave the guitarist a small smile, buckling his seatbelt and letting Aoi take hold of his hand, and then he let his head rest on the window. “Could we stop at the corner store on the way home, Aoi-chan?” he asked, and the guitarist gave a careful smile.

“Yeah, sure. Want me to go in for you?”

Kai shook his head. “No, that would be ridiculous. I’ve just lost a few things, is all, and I don’t want to try to find them.” He peered over at his boyfriend, and he felt a small bubble of victory as the guitarist conceded. That bubble, however, gave way to tension as he considered his options. This had lasted too long to be a stomach flu, so that was out of the question. He was positive he didn’t have any sort of terminal illness, so that was ridiculous, too. He tried to think of how his friend from high school had been when she’d disappeared from school for a month. She’d complained of being tired, throwing up, and not feeling right in the clothes that had always fit.

And nine months later, she and her boyfriend had ended up in a middle-class apartment with a baby boy to take care of.

Ridiculous Kai-chan. Men can’t go through that.

He peeked over at Aoi when he thought his gaze was on the road, and he smiled softly as the guitarist looked over at him and squeezed his hand. “You’ll be okay, Kai-chan, ne?” Kai nodded, and the guitarist smiled, not looking as worried as before.

“Aoi-chan?”

“Hai?”

Kai looked meek again, as though he thought that Aoi was tired of him asking. “When we get home…” The guitarist lifted an eyebrow at him, his gaze switching from Kai to the road and back, and he sighed a little. “When we get home, a back rub would mean the world. Do you think you could?” He turned his head to look over at the guitarist, and he smiled when Aoi did- for some reason, Kai had won a boyfriend who couldn’t say no to him when he looked as tired and as strained as he did.

“Want me to make ramen, too?”

Kai gave a tiny smile, hopeful. “Would you?”

Aoi laughed a little and gave the drummer’s hand a squeeze. “Of course I would.” He lifted an eyebrow, his mouth setting into the plush smirk that usually left Kai feeling needy but had been making him giggle as of late. “You’ve been acting strange lately, Kai-chan,” the guitarist said, his voice curious. “Are you sure a doctor will be able to help you?” He smiled a little over at the drummer, and he pulled his hand away so that he could turn a corner before slipping it back into Kai’s.

Kai was quiet; he’d only nodded and given a smile, staring absently out at the passing world, and he let his eyes half-close as silence drifted into the car. Aoi’s thumb ran smoothly over the back of his hand, and it eased the tension in his body just enough to let him relax in the seat, giving Aoi’s hand a gentle squeeze every once in a while. It felt good that he could assure himself that Aoi was there; the lack of sleep had made everything feel like it’d slipped out of reality and the guitarist was almost his anchor. He could, at least, make him feel better and make him comfortable if nothing else.

He murmured an, “I love you,” as his eyes slipped closed, and he felt his body sink into relaxation almost instantly, relieved to have a cure for his lack of sleep. He’d almost certainly heard Aoi say something back, but he couldn’t be sure. He only knew that he hadn’t slept more than six hours in the last day and a half, and it felt so good to let his eyes close for the short drive home.

He felt the car come to a stop a couple of times, and he heard Aoi speaking to him, touching his face and gently kissing his forehead. He mumbled responses that seemed automatic, and then he settled back into sleep as Aoi went into the supermarket with a rough idea of what Kai wanted.

And then he’d felt the car moving again, and somewhere along the line, Aoi had gingerly picked him up out of the car and had actually carried him inside and up to their bedroom. The only thing he’d felt, though, had been Aoi’s strong hands on his back, and then the soft mattress of their bed sinking down beneath his weight.

He let his eyes open a little, and he gave a sleepy smile to his boyfriend, touching his face and keeping him close enough for a kiss, sighing softly as their lips met. He smiled again, and he relaxed into the bed as Aoi pulled away from him, watching him resignedly as he left the room. His head settled onto one of the pillows, and he let his eyes fall closed once again. He felt much more comfortable in the bed than he had in the car; he should have known that he wouldn’t last a second with his body sinking into the down of their bed.

Aoi put what little groceries Kai had wanted in their right place, and then he picked up the small bottle of oil he used for Kai’s back rubs on his way back to the bedroom. He smiled softly at the drummer; the sight of his slender form stretched out on the bed was enough to make his heart swell. He shed his shirt and slid into bed behind the drummer, and he gently shifted him closer to himself, smiling to himself as Kai sighed and pressed back against him in his sleep.

“I’ll make you ramen tomorrow,” he promised softly, and Kai let out a sigh in response to his words, even though the guitarist knew his boyfriend couldn’t actually hear what he’d said. “I love you,” he whispered, and he shut his eyes, too.