Euphoria

I hate to kiss you when I know it’s wrong.

I hate looking into your blue, blue eyes and falling in love all over again, every single time. And I hate how my heart flutters and my hands pull you closer when your lips touch mine while my mind screams out to hate you as well.

“Fuck,” I breathe into your mouth, and you kiss me again. I don’t remember how you got so close again. I doubt you do either. But somehow, we’re wrapped in each other’s arms, feeling too close to ever break apart without physical pain. Without our hearts stopping.

“Yeah,” you mutter. You didn’t want this to happen either. You didn’t want to hurt me this way. You just can’t resist either. Once our hands touch, once you feel my breath, you have no more control than I do. That’s why you don’t stop holding me. No matter how well you know my tears will come after, you’re not going to let me go.

“I- I’m sorry,” you mutter, as if you heard my accusing thoughts.

“Just shut up.” I can’t stand it anymore. I want to be a part of you now.

My shirt finds its way to the floor, and I claim your lips again. I feel your hands on my back, alluring and adulterous as you tip me back onto the bed. Your lips don’t leave mine as my hands fumble clumsily with the buttons on your pure black shirt, not until they travel inevitably to that spot on my neck which always pulls a moan from my lips. I don’t know why Adrienne never found it. You’d think she would, after these years of being together. But only you can.

The next few minutes are a blur of shedding clothes and desperate kisses. I don’t even know how it happened, but it did. My pants are lying on the floor on the other side of the bed, and your boxers are at your feet. Later, we’ll probably find our shoes somehow kicked underneath the bed or lying in a heap with your belt and my underwear. However this came to be, you and I are close again, blankets pulled around us to keep the biting cold and guilt away.

As I open my legs for you, I find myself counting. A gasp and one wet finger. I squirm, holding my arms around you. I’m mentally begging you to keep me steady, to keep me safe, to never be away from me because we belong together. I hope you’re listening.

Two. Another moan escapes, and you catch it securely in your lips. Why do I trust you? Why do you make me feel like this?

Three. I push closer to your hand, searching for that sensation, that spot. “I need you now.”

And then suddenly, we’re down to zero again, and I instantly miss your close presence. “Mike...” You give me your lips again, but your hands are elsewhere now. Reaching for the things that will make this act ‘safer,’ as if that were ever possible. I would laugh if you weren’t right, if I wasn’t so preoccupied with keeping you as close as I can.

I wrap my legs around you, pulling you in close. “I love you,” you whispered into my ear before nipping it gently.

I rest a hand softly on the back of your neck. “I know.”

And finally, penetration. I breathe in through my teeth, unconsciously clenching around you before relaxing again. It always takes a moment to adjust to you being inside of me. To you being a part of me. To me feeling that little pang of not being alone.

And you start to move. Slowly at first, but then faster. And as always, it hurts, but somehow, I wouldn’t have it any other way. What would this love be worth if it was easy? If I didn’t have to give anything to have it, to be completed in a way only you can make me? It’d be worth nothing, worth as much as the gold ring I dropped on the night stand ten minutes ago.

I feel you growing closer, feel you helping me along. Your thrusts and breaths are becoming more irregular now, and I hear my name sputtering from your lips. “Oh god... B-Billie!”

Euphoria. I arch my back, a cry escaping my lips and yours. I’m blinded by it, that feeling I’ve been waiting for of pure ecstasy. The feeling that makes the world disappear around us, makes you and I the only two living things left.

Panting, I feel myself begin to float back into me as you wrap your arms around me. I listen to your heartbeat and wish I could stay here forever and never leave your presence. I wish you could be the only person left in my life, and as I look at you, I even manage a smile at the lingering euphoria which still engulfs us both.

“I love you,” I tell you. I only want you to know. I only want you to hear that before the feeling of bliss escapes. It will seep through the cracks under your bedroom door to leave me empty again in waiting of the guilt and memories which that gold ring will soon burn into my finger again. I hope you know the love is always there though. I hope you know that you will always be the only one who can make me smile when everything in me tells me there’s no reason and relax when the world around me begins to disappear and fall apart. I hope you know that I could never lose you. You kiss my forehead softly. Your perfect blue eyes meet my green ones. “I know.”