Caterpillars In the Spring

"Giraffes!"

Harlow dashes over to the fence that's some way's up from where Joe and Nick are standing, her sandal-clad feet clapping against the brick path. Joe chuckles and hurries after her, lifting her a little bit so she can see better over the fence. She's a short kid. Her earlobes are even with Nick's crossed arms when they stand beside each other. The younger father follows them, wrapping his fingers around one of the black metal poles in the fence. It warms his heart to see Harlow smiling happily like the little girl she is, like she should be. Her current favorite animal is the giraffe. She changes it as often as she changes her favorite color - which is very often - but she's gone back to giraffe several times, and her bedroom at home has a huge, full-color poster of a cartoon giraffe above her bed.

It’s a beautiful day to be at the zoo. The sky is blue and the sun is shining big and bright, and the air is warm with a little breeze, and all the animals are outside to enjoy the beautiful day. They come here sometimes right after a rain or when it’s cold, and while the crowds are smaller then, there aren’t not too many animals roaming about.

Harlow grips the fence and watches the huge animal walk slowly over to a tree and start to pull leaves off of it with it's long tongue, chewing. It looks bored, but Harlow’s fascinated with it even though she’s seen it dozens of times. "Harlow, did you know that giraffes have no vocal chords?" Joe smiles. "That's why they don't make any noise."

"Wow. So they can't say anything at all?"

"Nope!"

"How do they talk to each-other?"

"With their bodies, I guess. Gestures, foot-stomping... but they tend to live alone, not really in families or packs, so there's not much need."

"Oooh," the little girl smiles, fascinated, as she watches the animal with the huge neck eat. But she soon gets bored and wiggles down, running over to one of the large maps to find out where they should go next. But it's not like they need it - they know the way around the zoo like a senior knows his way around his high school. They come here whenever the weather's nice and their schedules allow, simply because Harlow loves it here so much and it’s the least they can do. They've come here in ten degree weather and in hundred degree weather, and both men have willingly rearranged their schedules several times to squeeze in a trip to Harlow's favorite place. It's amazing how happy it makes her. She'll say, "I want to go to the zoo and see a (insert current favorite animal)!" and off they will go on the next available day and she'll speed right off to that certain exhibit and stare at it until she's satisfied, and then wander around the rest of the area.

When she's here, she can forget about her cancer and all the worries and stress - she can just be a little girl. A normal, healthy, careless and happy little nine year old girl, like she should be. She seems oblivious to the looks they get sometimes - two obviously gay males with a practically bald daughter.

She grabs the fabric of the shirt on Nick’s elbow and tugs. "Tigers! I wanna see the tigers. They're my favorite," she grins, showing that one of her front teeth is missing, and another one on the bottom is just beginning to grow back.

So she stands between Joe and Nick and takes one of each of their hands, and they walk off towards the tiger exhibit. "I thought giraffes were your favorite?" Nick laughs. "What, it's tigers this week?"

She nods, giggling, looking over at the animals they pass, lingering for a few moments on some of them, but not taking much time. And when the tiger exhibit is in her sight, with the huge pit in the ground filled with huge rocks and trees and a little faux river, she races over there. She presses herself against the glass wall, her chin just barely clearing the top of it. Nick looks over towards the panda exhibit, which is right across the way.

"They sent the baby panda back to China, you know."

Joe lifts Harlow up at her request and looks at Nick. "Really? How come?"

He shrugs. "Breeding, I guess. You know he's, like, four years old?"

"No way!"

Nick nods.

"No, no! That was not four years ago."

"Yes," Nick laughs, somewhat amused. "It was."

"Wow."

"Daddy, Papa, look!"

Harlow points to the group of dense trees, and behind it is a moving orange shape. The tiger appears when he saunters out of the trees and slides down into the water, swimming gracefully through it, creating huge ripples with his enourmous body. "Papa, do you know anything about tigers?"

Joe looks up animal trivia, to give Harlow when they come to the zoo. She always asks, and he loves seeing her eyebrows raise and her eyes widen slightly in amazed interest when he finds a particularly good one, and she's such an animal lover. He smiles, and tries to think of something. It's hard to keep finding more and more new ones, but he loves to do it. He racks his brain. "Well... did you know, that tigers are born without their stripes?"
"Really?"

"Yeah. All orange."

"Oooh!!" She grins. "That's pretty cool."

She hops down from Joe's arms and moves to the other side of the exhibit to get a better view. The tiger swims in circles, and she thinks that it must feel really good, with the early spring air being so hot, and with all that fur! I'm kinda glad right now that I don't have much hair, she thinks optimistically, as the temperature is nearing the seventies - which, after such a brutal winter, is especially high. And with all the water in the air from the snow that’s melted, it’s humid. There are no traces of the monumental snow that fell just weeks before. "Isn't she adorable?" Nick smiles, staying where he is, but keeping an eye on her. Joe nods softly in agreement, smiling.

"Yeah. Our baby."

Nick sighs as he leans against the glass wall, folding his arms on the edge. He looks down at the tiger, but he isn’t really paying attention to it. His eyes get that far-off, glazed distant look that they do when he's thinking about something. Something not necessarily happy. Joe pats his back gently. "What is it, cubby?"

"You know what it is."

Joe runs a hand through his dark locks. "Come on, Nick, let's not think about that now. She's happy, and we should be happy too.

Nick nods, pushing himself off the railing. He puts on a smile and goes over to his daughter quietly, smirking softly. He plans each step carefully, controlling his breaths so he doesn't make a sound. Her back is to him, and he tiptoes over to her, and then quickly grabs her shoulders and lets out a "Roooaa-wwwrr! Tiger got youuu!"

Harlow screams, startled, then turns around to face her father and laughs. "Daddy!"

Nick's hands move back to his side and he smiles innocently before picking the girl up. She's a tiny girl and just a little too big still be carried, but he does anyway. She's light. Though in a couple of months, it won't be possible. "Yeah, sweetie?"

Harlow wiggles down, giggling. "Let's go see the pandas!"

_____________________________________________________________

They're sitting in the waiting room of the hospital once again, with Joe and Nick sitting next to eachother on chairs and Harlow sitting on the floor and the carpet in front of her is littered with puzzle pieces. She's wearing glasses, as Joe's whole family has bad eyesight and she must have gotten that trait from him. Though she only needs them for reading, or in this case, doing a puzzle. The little girl looks like a perfect mix of the two of them. She has Nick's nose and Joe's lips, and her hair was a beautiful wavy brown before she lost it, a nice reddish-chestnut color. She has the eyes of her older father and the eyebrows of the younger. She's a truly beautiful little girl, even with barely any hair. She's been in remission lately, but the three of them are constantly fearing a relapse.

She glances up when the waiting room door opens and a young woman walks in. At first she doesn't see who's walking behind her - another little girl, who looks a little younger than her. She has no hair at all, and she's wearing purple glasses and a little green cap on her head, along with a tiny denim jacket. Her mother goes over to the front desk, and the girl gives Harlow a nervous smile as she stands in the doorway, looking around like a deer in the headlights. She looks like it’s her first time here, but with her lack of hair, it can’t be.

"Hi," Harlow grins, dropping the pieces she's holding, standing up to smile at the little girl, hoping to make a friend. She's never met a girl her age (roughly) here, or one that looked friendly. "I'm Harlow."

"I'm Maddy," says the girl, who's much shorter than Harlow. She has fat red cheeks and she can't be older than seven. She looks up and smiles, showing that her two front teeth are missing, and when she talks it gives her a slight lisp.

"How old are you?" Harlow asks, sitting down and gesturing for the little girl to join her. Maddy does. She says proudly, "I'm six and a half!"

Wow, both Joe and Nick think, remembering when their daughter was that age.

The age difference doesn't matter to Harlow. She hasn't had a friend in ages, since she hasn't been going to school, and to have one seems like it would be incredible. "Ooh! Cool! I'm nine. Wanna help me finish this puzzle?"

The pudgy, smaller child nods, and they sit crosslegged on the floor together, arranging the pieces, giggling and playing together like little girls should. Like they're normal. The girl's mother sits beside Joe and Nick and smiles softly. "Is she yours?" she asks, looking at Nick. Both boys say 'yes' and the woman's eyebrows raise. "Oh! Oh, you're both her parents?"

Joe nods, ready to get defensive if she has to, but the woman just smiles. "She's beautiful."

"Thank you. Your daughter is as well... Maddy?"

"Yes, yes." She glances towards the pair of children and then back at Joe and Nick. "I'm Laura."

"Joe."

"Nick."
Laura smiles and glances over at the two again. "Maddy and I have been coming here since she was two... it's a shame, she doesn't know any life besides the hospital. She doesn't have any friends, either... so I'm pretty happy right now."

Joe frowns and something inside his heart aches. He'd thought Harlow was young... to think of a child so small and innocent going through that... well, he can't imagine it. "I'm so sorry," he whispers. "Harlow's had acute leukemia since she was six years old. We used to live in California, but we moved here because they have one of the best cancer centers in the country, if not the world. It's been... rough."

They talk in hushed voices so the children won't hear, but they're not paying attention anyway. Maddy, or Madeline, ("Made-lynn, not Made-line") is in a battle against skin cancer. She barely knows what's going on and why she has to spend half of her life in the hospital, swallowing pills and getting chemotherapy, or why she's lost all her hair, and that's what Joe and Nick find the most sad. At least Harlow was older, and they could explain to her what was happening... at least she could understand.

Their conversation ends when Maddy is called back, but the parents exchange phone numbers first. Harlow goes over and climbs into Joe's lap. "Papa, Daddy, can she come over some time? She's my new best friend."

"Of course!" Joe says at the same time Nick cries "Yes!", and Harlow smiles happily, resting her head on Joe's shoulder.

When they go back to the room, Joe's sitting with Harlow in his lap and Nick's sitting beside him, and they all look up as the door opens. A nurse who isn't their usual one walks in. She's wearing brightly colored hospital garb and a too-big smile. They must tell all their nurses to smile like this, and choose ones that are the epitome of health, to give their patients something to strive for. But it's just irritating.

"Hello, Mister and... Mister Jonas." She pushes some glasses down from her eyes a bit, as if she's not seeing things right. Joe grits his teeth.

"Hello."

She forces an exaggerated smile. "And hello, Harlow. How do you feel?"

"I feel fine."

"How have you been feeling lately? Any soreness?"

"A little."

The nurse nods, and asks her and Joe and Nick the basic questions. She helps Harlow remove her shirt so she can have access to the catheter in the little girl's vein. Joe talks to her as the nurse draws the blood, but the nurse acts as if she doesn't want anything to do with them. They're all used to that. The nurse looks over different parts of her body to check for bruising and asks a few more questions, then gives that exaggerated smile again, and leaves. When she's gone, Harlow rolls her eyes.

"Bitch."

They both gasp "Harlow!"

"What? She is."

"Don't use that word," Nick says in a low parental tone, and the girl looks away, crossing her arms. "Why can't people accept you guys? There's nothing wrong with you."

"To most of the rest of the world, there is."

"But you're perfectly good people! You love me and you love eachother, no doubt about that--"

"It's just that we're both... boys," Joe sighs. "I'll never understand it either."

Harlow rests her head on Joe's shoulder. She doesn't want to be here today, in this room that makes her claustrophobic and doing all the tests she's been through thousands of times. After all this time she should be used to it, but you never get used to having a potentially fatal disease.

Well, she's supposedly recovering well from it, but relapses do happen. It's like being stalked by someone with a gun. At any moment he could decide to kill you.

It's terrifying.

_____________________________________________________________

Maddy's over at their house a couple afternoons later. Joe and Nick can't get over how wonderful it is to see Harlow having a friend, acting like a normal girl. Maddy's smaller and lighter, so it's easy for Harlow to pick her up and spin her around to make her giggle and scream. They sit on the couch curled up in a blanket and watch the Disney channel together, play with a some dolls (Harlow's grown out of them, but Maddy still loves them), and make a mural together on a roll of paper. The weather's nice, so they walk to the park across the street, with Joe and Nick watching from the front lawn as Harlow pushes Maddy on the swing.

"Maddy's adorable."

"Yeah, she is."

"It's so nice to see her have a friend, isn't it?"
Joe smiled and nodded, but then he frowned. "I can't imagine... she was only two when she was diagnosed."

Nick let out a heavy sigh, taking a bite of the sandwich in his hand. "Yes, but let's not focus on that. She's a strong, beautiful little girl and she's going to get through it. Both Harlow and Maddy."

"If you say so."

Joe rests a hand on Nick's. "I do say so, cub."

"Why do you even call me that? I don't remember."

Joe laughs and shrugs, running his hand through the mess of brown curls on top of his lover’s head. "Because, back when your hair was really long you looked like a lion. I’d tease you about it. But 'lion' isn't really a cute nickname, so I call you 'cub'. You know, like a baby-"

"I know what a cub is," Nick laughs. He looks up to see Maddy clinging to Harlow, on her back, with the older girl gent over slightly and racing around the park, giving her a piggy back ride. He laughs happily, shaking his head.