Caterpillars In the Spring

Spring is one time of the year that always brings Joe hope. Warmth, baby animals, flowers, green grass... new life. Spring brings blue skies and green grass, actual leaves on the trees, and the peaceful sound of crickets at night, and the twinkling of fireflies in the evening. One can actually step outside without having to be bundled up in four layers of clothing.

Spring also brings his and Nick's anniversary. They've been together for twelve years now - since Joe was nineteen and Nick was sixteen. Every spring is another year they've been through together, and another year to come. And another year that Harlow has survived.

Joe and Nick met in high school. They were in the same US History class, even though they were in different grades. Nick was a sophomore, and Joe was a senior, retaking the class. Their teacher paired everyone up with a couple of 'study buddies', and the kids exchanged phone numbers, so they'd all have somone to call if they ever needed help. And whenever they'd do group work, she'd say, "Alright, go get with your number __ study buddy." Joe and Nick were eachother's number two, and that was the number she seemed to chose most often.

Joe was one of the very few openly gay boys at the school, and he recieved endless ridicule for it. Everyone in his grade knew his name and who he was. But anyone who could overlook that would find that he was one of the funniest nicest, sweetest boys you'd ever meet, as Nick found. Even when the teacher said they could work with whomever they wanted, they picked eachother. They weren't even close to what you would call friends - they never talked or even looked at eachother outside of the class - but they enjoyed eachother's company when they had the opportunity. Though Nick did not dare mention that he was on the 'boy' side of the fence as well. He just enjoyed being around someone who was the same as him.

He'd spent two years building up the courage to tell his parents about his sexuality. First he had to figure out how to do it, and then he had to grow the balls to actually do it. He'd finally decided on just telling them right out, even though he knew they'd be furious. They'd kept tyring to set him up with girls from his church and, needless to say, he did not like any of them.

It was late at night, and everyone was winding down and getting ready for bed. A week ago he'd planned that he was going to tell them today. He changed into his pajamas and took a deep breath as he searched around the house. His parents were in the living room, and he walked right in there and sat down on the couch across from him, staring straight at his mother and father. "Mom? Dad?"

His dad pushed his glasses down some and lowered his newspaper, just looking at him expectantly, and his mom looked at him and said "Yes, Nicholas?"

Nick took a deep breath and closed his eyes, hesitating before coming out and saying it. "Mom, Dad, I'm gay."

His father choked on his spit, tossed his paper aside and yanked his glasses off his face. "You're what?"

Nick took a deep breath. "I'm gay."

Everything went downhill from there. Nick's parents had always been extremly religious devout Catholics, which was probably also part of the reason he rejected the idea of God so much. As a child, he'd been forced to dress up in dress shirts and slacks and shiny shoes and go to church every week, and if he'd ever 'sinned', he'd been told that he was going to go to hell unless he was punished and repented. And then he'd have to go to Confessional and tell the Priest every little thing he'd done. And pray every night. He hadn't been allowed to date, or even watch any movies or TV shows with any kind of sexual content, drugs, or 'ungodly' material. And being gay was one of the worst sins.

His mom cried. His dad screamed at him, telling him that he was the disgrace of the family and that he was going to Hell, that no one would ever love him, and that 'no son of mine will ever be a faggot!' Nick yelled back, telling him that he can't help it, and that if his dad really loved him, he should support him. And when it was blurted out that he doesn't even BELIEVE in God, and that the bible is bull... that's where it really got nasty.

His father was shouting at the top of his voice, and Nick was screaming back with tears down his face. When Mr. Jonas finally grabbed his son and slapped him across the face before violently shaking his shoulders, his mother finally stepped in. Nick took the opportunity to escape. He tore out of the house, still barefoot, his feet slapping against the cold ground as he headed for the park. Winter was just ending, and it was freezing outside. The moon shined over his head as he ran, instantly knowing where he was going. The park behind the 7-Eleven in town. He sat down on a swing and pulled out his cell phone, dialling the sixth number in his contact list.

Ring one. Ring two. Ring th-

"Hello?"

"J-J..." Nick's voice wavered and he cleared his throat. "Joe?"

"Who's this?"

"Nick. From History."

"Oh! Hey, what's up? Need homework help?"

"No... a-actually, I..."

"...Nick? Are you okay?"

Nick hesitated. He closed his eyes, leaning back against the light breeze. "No."

"Where are you?"

"The park." Joe lived near him - he would know what he was talking about.

"I'll be there in ten."

"You don't-"

"I'll be there."

And, true to his word, Joe showed up about fifteen minutes later, wearing his usual jacket and baggy jeans, his hands in his pockets. The two boys sat down on a park bench together, with Nick just snuffling and wiping his eyes for a couple of minutes. Finally, Joe asked, "Do I need to kick anyone's ass for you?" and playfully punched Nick's arm.

Nick laughed a little bit, tilting his head back and blinking rapidluy to flush away the stray tears. It felt good to laugh, after all of this chaos. "You wanna beat my dad up?"

"If I have to, sure," he smiled, playfully. When the boy sighed and looked down, his eyelids drooping, Joe frowned. He dropped the playul, joking act and his tone turned serious, concerned. "What's the matter, Nick?"

Nick didn't know why he'd called Joe - someone he barely knew - after all of this. Something about the boy made him feel... safe? Maybe that wasn't the right word, but that was all he could think of. And Joe was gay, too, so maybe he'd be able to understand. Joe wasn't popular, and he wasn't into gossip - he wouldn't go around telling the whole school that Nick Jonas is gay. He was silent for a moment, resting his chin on his palms on his eblows on his knees. He lifted his head to look up at the distant moon and sigh. He rubbed his arm. He just needed someone to be there for him, and he couldn't turn to his friends, and certianly not his family...

"You didn't need to come... it's late."

"If it's bad enough that you had to call me, just some random kid from your History class, then it's bad enough that I had to come over here."

Nick pressed his face into his hands and dragged his fingers over the skin. He looked back up at the moon, then at Joe, then at his bare feet. Joe looked down at them too, frowning. "Looks like you wanted to get out here in a hurry, too."

Nick sighed and picked a ball of lint off his jeans, rolling it in his fingers before he flicked it away. "Today is not my day."

"Why not?" Joe asked, so gently that Nick just wanted to pour ihs soul out to him. he rested his head on hishand again, breifly, before he lifted it up once more.

"Well. I'm gay."

"I figured."

Nick blinked and looked at him. "What?"

"I figured you were. Gay people give off a ceritan... vibe. Other gay people can sense it. I kind of had a suspicion that you were."

Nick nodded slowly, skeptical. "Yeah... well... my parents are extremely religious Catholics... ("Ohh...") and... w-well... let's just say they do not support me."

"Did you just come out to them?" Joe asked, gently placing a hand on Nick's knee.

"Y-yeah."

"Oh... and what happened?"

Nick blinked back tears. "My dad hates me. He's all, 'you, Nicholas Jonas, are a disgrace to this family!' and he said he refuses to call me his son, and that I'm worthless and no one is ever going to love me..." he pressed his face into his hands again, tears escaping his eyes and escaping between his fingers. Joe made an 'oooh' sound and wrapped his arm around Nick's shoulders, his other hand gently rested on Nick's arm.

"Oh, my God, Nick, I'm so, so sorry..."

Nick wiped his eyes. "It's okay-"

"No, no, it's not okay. Nick, you're such a sweet, smart, awesome guy... the Bible is B.S. If you're gay, you're born that way. Why woould God purposely create someone who is 'sinning' just by being alive? And if your parents can't love and support you no matter what, then that's just..." he shook his head in disgust.

"Sometimes I think - no, I know - that they love their God more than they love me."

"I'm so sorry," Joe whispered, taking Nick's hand. "It doesn't make any sense. I mean, God's supposed to love all of us."

"Except for when we 'sin'. My parents used to make me actually pray for forgiveness if I ever did anything 'ungodly'. My mom isn't as bad as my dad, but my dad..." he shook his head. "I just don't get it. Love is love. Who cares what gender it is?"

"Exactly! He wants us to be loving towards eachother, right? Most pepole commit horrible 'sins' then they think they're 'helping' God..."

"I don't even believe in God. I never have."

"I don't know if I do. I'm just kind of 'whatever' on the whole subject."

Nick sighed and nodded. He stood up from the bench and walked back over to the swingset, placing his hand on the cool metal and looking across the park.He studied one of the houses for a moment before he sat down on the swing, his feet dragging against the woodchips that made up the ground.

Joe took a seat on the swing next to him. Wanting to lighten the mood, he smiled. "Bet I can swing higher than you."

A grin crept across Nick's face as he looked over at his classmate, and he pushed himself forcefully off the ground with his feet, pumping his legs. He felt his curls flying in the air, bouncing against his head as the swing flew backwards, then forwards."You're on!"

They spent a the next few minutes getting as high into the air as they possbly could. One of them would scream, "I'm winning!" and the other would reply, "You are not!" and give that extra forceful push to make him go just a little higher than his opponent. In the end, Joe got bored, and when he reached the peak of his upswing, he leapt off. Nick gasped and watched in astonishment as he flew through the air, clear across the park, landing on the grass on the other side. He fell forward, then rolled over and sprang back up into a standing position, throwing his arms in the air. His shirt was stained with dirt.

"Woohoo!"

Nick jammed his feet into the ground and then hopped off, smiling as he walked over to Joe. "Well, I would say you lose by forefit... but that jump was definetly something I could never do, so I'm gonna say you won."

"Sweet!" Joe jumped into the air in victory, making the younger boy laugh. He grinned at Nick, revealing a nice row of pearly whites. For some reason, the first thing Nick notices about a person is always teeth. So he's glad that Joe has some nice ones. He walked over to where his classmatr was and chuckled.

"I'd never be able to jump that far. I'd probably kill myself."

"Skills," Joe grinned, clapping the boy on the back and nodding his head matter-of-factly.

Nick chuckled and nodded, smiling. He and Joe sat down on the wooden beans that encircled the playground, keeping all the woodchips in place. They talked about anything that came to mind - parents, school, religion, and then they moved onto lighter topics. Music. Jokes. And, as always, the older boy never failed to make the younger laugh. Joe had a bag of jelly beans in his pocket and he pulled them out to share.

"So... do you, uh, do you have a boyfriend?"

Joe looked at him. "Me?"

"Yeah."

"Not right now, no."

"Have you ever had one before?"

"Yeah," Joe nodded. "But he was a jerk, and we broke up."

Nick frowned. "Oh. I'm sorry."

"Have you ever had one? If your parents didn't know..."

Nick shook his head.

"How do you know you're gay, then?"

"I've never, ever, been interested in a girl. But I'll se a hot guy and it's just like... woah."

"Am I a hot guy?"

Nick blinked. "What?"

Joe grinned toothily, popping a blue jelly bean into his mouth. "Am I a hot guy?"

"In my opinion? Yeah..." he blushed.

Joe smiled. "I think you're a cute guy."

Nick's cheeks reddened and he smiled a little bit as he looked down at the ground, dragging a few fingers through the woodchips. Joe continued. "You know, if we both like eachother, and we're both gay... Nobody would have to know..."

Nick looked up at Joe in surprise. "Are you asking me out?"

"Um. Yeah." Joe smiled nervously.

Nick grinned. "I would love to go out with you...!"

And that's how it started. They kept their relationship a secret for a while, but people were bound to find out, and soon the whole school knew. Nick never mentioned it to his parents, though, and they didn't find out he'd been dating until he became pregnant with Harlow. At that point, his father wanted nothin to do with him, but his mother was finaly being actively supportive. Nick doesn't see them much now, and that's fine with him.

Everyone at school knew about them. They were the only openly gay couple out of four thousand students, and some of the hate they got for it as astonishing. People were constantly bashing them, harrassing them, imsulting them, but after a year, people seemed to get over it.

Nick took Joe to prom when he was a senior. They were both dressed up in fancy black tuxedos, and Nick had a big black bowtie secured around his throat. Lots of heads turned when they entered together, with Joe's arm wrapped around Nick's shoulders, but at this point, they enjoyed the attention. Nick usually hated dances and tihngs of that sort, but now that he had Joe to go with, he was ecstatic. The room was themed 'A Night In The City'. Huge buildings covered the walls, painted and cut from cardboard. Lights hung overhead, and a model plane hung from the ceiling beside the light disco ball, that turned and sent little beams of light around the room. Strung all over the walls were dozens of lines of white Christmas lights. It wasn't one of those lame school dances - it was clearly extremely well thought out and planned, and the room didn't even look like a gymnasium.

The song changed. They'd been sitting at one of the white cloth covered tables, chatting, but now Joe smiled at Nick and took his hand, leading him to the front of the room, right up near the stage. They joined hands, their faces just inches apart, feet shuffling beside eachother on the floor. Nick titled his head back and let out a happy laugh. He'd never ballroom danced before, so he was a bit lost on what to do, but with the rythym of he music and Joe's guidace, he quickly got the hang of it. Nick's right hand was on Joe's shoulder, with Joe's right hand on his lover's hip, and their hands were joined.

Joe spun the boy around and then quickly pulled him close again. Their noses touched, eyes staring into eachothers as they gracefully shuffled across the floor. Joe spun him again, once, twice, three, four times.

Durring the bridge, Nick ran his hands up Joe's shirt, smiling as he gently undid the black suit, slipping it off of his lover's shoulders. He tossed it at one of his friends, who was watching them with the biggest, proudest smile on her face. As the song ended, Joe spun Nick around several more times, pulled him close, and dipped his body towards the floor, then pulled him back up. With a happy laugh he lifted the boy slightly off the ground and spun around in a circle, then set him back down on his feet so they could share the most loving of kisses.

The song ended as they pulled away, with everyone watching them. Joe, lavishing in the attention, titled his head back and smiled, sweeping his arm in a circle in a big wave towards the crowd. Then he took Nick's hand and dragged him away, giggling happily.

They went back to Joe's house, and Harlow was conceived that night. It was needy and passionate, but it was nothing but slow and loving, with the older boy constantly whispering loving words into the younger's ear. Harlow wasn't planned, but she wasn't an accident either.

When Nick became pregnant, being nineteen at this point, they'd had a loving, healthy, steady relationship since then and they were both overjoyed when they heard that they would have a child. That was the first time they told Nick's parrents. his mother was supportive enough, though she was absolutely furious that Nick had particpaited in premarital sex. His father wanted nothing to do with him after that. Joe's werent very involved in his life, and had no desire to meet his boyfriend. Shortly after, Nick moved in with Joe.

They lived in a little apartment in the city until they moved to a house. The city had been fun, with all the hustle and bustle, but after a while it became overwhelming, and they both desired a nice, quiet life. Once they both had a steady job, and with some financial help from Joe's parents, they moved into a small house in the country, when Harlow was two.

Spring also brings the anniversary of when Harlow was diagnosed. It marks another year that she's lived through, and it's been almost four years now. Four scary, rough, exhausting, horrible years. But they've gotten through it.

When they first told them she had cancer, they all cried. They thought they were going to lose her. Harlow wasn't able to fully understand at the time, but she knew that she was very sick and that she might die. She knew what dying was at that age. "Why am I sick, Daddy?" she would ask. "What did I do? I've gotten all my shots!"

And when she had to live in the hospital, when her body turned to just skin and bones, when she lost all her beautiful hair... they could barely even explain most of it to her. All she knew was that she was very, very sick. Now, as she's gotten older, she knows what's going on, but she's still so young and innocent and it's heartbreaking to see such a small child going through all of this, having her childhood and innocence robbed from her. Especially when it's your own daughter.

Now that she's in remission, she has a much different outlook on life than most girls her age. Her hair is growing back, but it's short, just little tufts. When Joe and Nick offered to get her a wig, though, she refused. "Why should I pretend to have hair?" she'd asked. She doesn't want to fake it. It's incredible to see how strong she is and what a positive attitude she keeps about everything. She doesn't ever pity herself and she doesn't want pity from other people.

When people meet the family, all three at once, the first thing they notice is Harlow's hair. Anyone who meets the little girl will instantly take note of that. "I had cancer," she will say with a proud smile. "But I don't anymore. No biggie."

While that's not entirely true - because it could always relapse - she's proud of it. She embraces it. And when people say, "Oh, that's awful!" or something along those lines, she will just shrug and smile. To see such strength in such a young person is amazing. Joe and Nick have tried to keep the same attitude. Joe always says that 'everything happens for a reason', but most of the time they can't even compete with Harlow. Sometimes one of them will just break down crying out of fear, and while no one mentions it, it puts unbelievable stress on the family,.

Joe sighs as he walks down the street in town. It's just rained, and theres a damp chill in the air. The road is damp, and the tires of cars hiss on the pavement, the tail lights disappearing into the dark fog. The cobblestone walk is covered in little puddles, which Joe drags his feet through as he trots along. Looking across the street, he sees a young woman holding the band of a little girl in a pink dress. She can't be older than Harlow, and she's holding a big red lollypop. She has a full head of hair.

Being aroing Maddy and Harlow so much, Joe's almost forgotten that little girls have hair. He sighs as they cross the street towards them, and he gives them a friendly wave. 'Treasure her,' he thinks as they walk away. 'Treasure your little girl and her health.' He prays that that woman, though he doesn't know her, will never lose her child.

Joe and Nick's anniversary is on March twentieth - the first day of spring. There's still a little bit of snow in the ground, in random patches, but today the sun is shining and the grass is blue. When the boys wake up and sleepily look out the window behind their bed, there's a robin sitting on the windowsill outside. Nick gently squeezes Joe's shoulder and puts a finger to his lips, telling him to be quiet, and points to the creature.

Joe gasps softly, having never seen a bird this close. The bird hops down to the ground, and Joe and Nick's bedroom is on the first floor, so they can watch him. It dips it's head into the grass and when he lifts it back up, it's carrying a worm. Then it flies up to the tree right outside the men's window, up to a net that's clearly visble. a tiny head pops out of it, and the red-chested bird drops the worm into it's mouth.

"He's feeding his baby!"

"I know," Joe giggles, and they watch until the parent bird flies away again. It was such a wonderful thing to wake up to, and the two boys just cuddle in bed for a while until they finally have to wake up, to take Harlow to school and get to work.

Joe is a lawyer and and Nick works at a daycare. It's often hard for the younger boy, seeing all these healthy little kids and happy parents. But it's also nice, in a way, except for when he meets all the whining single mothers.

"Robert doesn't do ANYTHING I ask him to do," one of the women is complainng to her friend. "He doesn't clean his room, he runs around the house screaming, he still wets the bed..."

Nick gets angier and angrier as he listens to this woman. of course, it's mostly because of his situation that he's reacting this way, but can you blame him? Finally, he drops what he's doing and walks over to her. "Excuse me, Miss? My daughter got cancer when she was your son's age. How about you just be grateful that he's happy and healthy?"

That shuts her up quick.

Nick picks Harlow up from her babysitter's and takes her home, and when he gets inside he starts cooking a wonderful dinner for Joe. Savoury baked chicken, creamy, buttery mashed potaotes in a nice porcelain dish, corn on the cob... all of Joe's favorites. Harlow helps him set the table, placing a nice oriental cloth on it, and using all of their best plates. She helps him light some candles in the middle of it, and when it's nearing the time for Joe to arrive home, he puts the food out and dims the lights.

Joe comes through the doorway and Nick instantly hurries over, wrapping his arms around his lover in a bone-crushing hug. Joe gasps and laughs in surprise, hugging the boy back and kissing his forehead. "Hey, cubby."

"Hey, Joey," Nick giggles happily, watching him take a sniff of the air.

"Something smells gooood...!"

Nick nods. "I made all your favorites!" He takes Joe's hand eagerly and pulls him into the kitchen, giggling childishly. Joe is amazed.

"Oh my Gosh, Nicky, you didn't have to do this..."

"Yes I did," Nick smiles, wrapping his arms around Joe's neck and kissing him. "I love you, Joe."

They sit down and eat together, just having a nice dinner like a normal, happy family. And it feels great. Harlow gives them a beautiful hand-made card and a painted picture frame, which Joe hangs up in their bedroom. As the two men are admiring it, Harlow sits down on their bed.

"Daddy? Papa?"

"Yeah, hun?" Joe asks.

"I want you two to get married."

Both of them turn around to face her. Joe sighs. "We can't, sweetie."

"Not in Maryland. But you can in D.C."

Joe leans against the wall and looks at her. Nick sits down beside her. "Harlow-"

"You guys love eachother. You should be able to at least have a nice wedding... even if it won't be recognized here, at least you'll have done it! You deserve it."

"When did you get so smart?"

Harlow shrugs. "If I'm going to die--"

"You're not going to die!"

"--If I do, I want to at least have seen my dads get married."

Nick looks up at Joe, gently placing a hand on his daughter's back. He imagines them having a wedding - a beautiful, small little wedding with their closest friends. Walking down the aisle, finally saying 'I do' and sharing that wonderful kiss... not to mention the wedding cake... they HAVE been together for over ten years... "D.C's not far away."

"Yeah..."

"It could be fun..."

Joe sighs. "We'll think about it, sweetie."

"Okay," Harlow whispers, leaning against Nick as her father gently rubs her back. "I love you guys."

"We love you too, Caterpillar," Nick whispers. "So much."