Caterpillars In the Spring

Joe's been a mess lately. He doesn't talk much to Nick - in fact, he barely talks at all. He always looks so tired, so stressed, so... broken. It breaks the younger boy's heart to see him like this, more and more every day. Everything is just going downhill, and as much as Nick tries to convince himself that everything is going to be okay, somehow he knows that it won't be.

Maddy comes to visit Harlow in the hospital sometimes, but less and less, because she's getting worse, too. Nick can't do anything as he watches his world crumble around him - he's losing his daughter, his lover, and the girl that he thinks of as his second child.

Why him? Why Harlow? What did they do to deserve any of this?

Nick sits in the park across from their house, on the cold metal bench. He needs some time away from the hospital, some time close to home. But no matter how far away from that awful place he gets, the feeling is still there. The dread, the fear, the stress... he can't take much more of this.

He gets up and walks across the park, kicking woodchips up as he goes. He takes a seat down on the swing and winces as it screeches underneath him. He drags his feet in the ground, staring down at his knees. He closes his eyes and lets himself slip away, his senses shutting down and allowing himself to get lost in his thoughts.

Harlow's going to die. He knows it, deep down, in the very back of his mind. He can easily put on a smile and say that she'll be okay, but he knows that she isn't. Joe knows. Harlow, maybe, even knows it, too. 'Have hope!' people tell him. 'Be optimistic!'. But he can't kid himself just to be crushed when the bad news comes.

Nick finds himself praying to the God he doesn't believe in, to save his little girl. And Maddy. And Joe.

Joe hardly talks anymore. His step has no spring, his shoulders are slumped, and his eyes are dead. They don't hold that usual spark of life, that Joe-ness that they used to hold, and when Nick looks into them as they embrace eachother in bed, all he can see is pain.

The kids at the daycare are so healthy. So happy, with full heads of hair, plump bodies, red, round cheeks, and sparkling eyes. They can jump up and down, run around the room without a care in the world, laughing and wailing. They aren't confined to a hospital bed and they don't need to be dreading their next lumbar puncture or blood transfusion, or wait in agony to see the test results that will tell them if the cancer has spread or not.

And their parents don't need to worry about losing their little angels. Just having to see Harlow in that hospital bed is bad enough - when they lose her, he doesn't know what he'll do.

The movie, understandably, is going horribly. The director is close to firing Nick and Nick just wants to quit, but he needs the money for Harlow's care. Eventually, that's the only thing motivating him. 'Do this for your baby girl', he tells himself. 'Harlow doesn't want to see you like this.'

After he convinces himself of this, he forces himself into the role, and he does it better than any other one that he's ever done. He makes everyone proud, but the moment it's over, he cries again. Motivation gone.

And Joe... Joe. Joe, other than acting dead, is acting sneaky. Nick calls him after a long day of filming, but he gets the voicemail, which is very, very strange for him. He calls again, and when Joe picks up, he's out of breath. And, though he says he's at the hospital, when Nick goes there to see his baby, Harlow is asleep, but there's no sign of Joe.

The hospital has accommodations in the cancer center for the patients' families - the ones that have to live there. Little hotel-like suites. But since Joe isn't there, Nick doesn't want to leave his daughter's side. He plops down into a chair, lies back, and closes his eyes that are always drooping no matter how much sleep he gets.
_____________

Joe begins to act even more strange than usual. He's quiet, completely avoiding Nick most of the time, and he looks incredibly guilty of something. And he's gaining weight, too. Nick's first thought is 'cheating', but his unending faith in his boyfriend causes him to immediately dismiss that thought.

He just wants his daughter and boyfriend back.

_____________

Joe always leave the hospital late at night, after Harlow is asleep. He wakes Nick up when he comes back, but so far, Nick hasn't thought anything of it. Tonight, though, he's waiting. And when Joe sneaks inside the door, Nick gets up quickly, pushing him out into the hallway. Joe blinks, dazed, and doesn't even fight as Nick shoves him into a bathroom, pressing him against the wall. "Where have you been?!" Nick demands.

Joe stares back at Nick with sad eyes. "Nowhere," he whispers.

Nick steps back. His eyes fill with tears. He can only swallow the lump in his throat and force himself to choke out the words "Are you cheating on me?"

"No, Nicky..." Joe stands up straight. "Nicky, you know I love you."

"But are you cheating on me?"

"I'm not cheating on you," he whispers.

"Liar!" Nick screams, shoving Joe back up against the wall. "Who is he?! Or she? Why, Joe, why?!"

Tears fill Nick's eyes, threatening to fall at any moment But Joe just stares back at him with that sad, resigned look. Nick stares at him, and he knows the answer. "Not cheating," Joe whispers. Nick slaps him across the face and pushes him to the bathroom floor, running out into the hallway, and out of the building. He knew it all along, he just can't believe it.

He's losing everything, and it hurts more than he ever could have imagined.