Helplessly, Hopelessly

When I pushed opened the door I didn’t like what I saw.

Leila ly there in her hospital bed, her death bed. I felt the breath being taken right from me standing there staring at Leila. She was deathly frail, she was white as a ghost. Her eyes lined red, sweat dripping down her face. Leila looked so breakable, any slight movement would hurt her.

Sucking up what was left of my pride I took a step toward her. There was a chair beside her bed already, I pulled it forward then took a seat. I looked down at her tiny hand, it was basically all bones. Carefully I took it into mine, I bent my head down repressing my tears, wasn’t working all that well.

“Oli?” Leila’s weak hoarse voice asked.

I lifted my head to look at her, tears already coming out of my eyes. Her eyes were lifeless and dull, there was no color left in them. If someone who didn’t know her were to look Leila in the eyes right now, they wouldn’t be able to tell she had the most beautiful blue eyes I have ever seen. They may have been a dull blue but somedays they shined so bright that it baffled me.

“I’m ‘ere baby, I’m righ’ ‘ere.” I said rubbing her hand tenderly.

Leila turned her head looking up at the ceiling, she closed her eyes sniffling licking her dry cracked lips. “I’m dying Oli . . . I’m dying.” She whispered breathlessly.

I scooted closer crying now, “No yer not Leila, yeh--”

Leila laughed barely, “Please Oli, we all know I am. I lived my life Oli, and I am okay with dying. I had the best last two months of my life,” She said looking at me, she was crying now too. “I go’ to spend them with yeh.”

“Leila please, don’ leave me . . . I . . .” I couldn’t even finish my sentence I was crying so hard. Leila cupped my cheek smiling softly at me, I rested my head on her bed crying.

I went through a bad break up with Amanda, I found Leila and thought I was going to be happy but now I am loosing Leila to a fucking disease. My life was falling apart, I am loosing the best thing that has happened to it.

“Oli.” Leila said.

I lifted my head looking at her, I wiped away my tears with my free hand. “Yea?” I asked.

“Come here.” she said.

I stood up bending over her, she pulled my head down to her’s. I kissed her fragile lips dove-like, so gentle. I was afraid I was going to hurt her.

We parted and I sat back down still holding her hand. We stared at each other for a minute, I didn’t want to loose her.

“I love yeh Oliver Sykes, I really do. I didn’t think I was ever going to fall in love, with what I had I didn’t want to fall in love. I thought it was just a waste of time, I knew I was slowly dying, so it was no good. But then I met yer silly arse . . . and you changed that concept drastically fer me. I thank yeh Oli, yeh taught me there is some good people in this world.” Leila smiled but it was a painful smile.

I stroked her hair kissing her temple. “I love yeh too Leila Parker, I love yeh so much it hurts.” I cried kissing her temple again.

“Tell Rob I love ‘im, I’m getting weaker Oli and I cant hold on much more. I am holding on this long jus’ fer yeh.” She whispered taking a sharp deep breath.

I stared at Leila in horror. “Leila?” I said.

“I love yeh . . .” she said.

Her tear filled eyes gazed up at me one last time before they closed . . . for good. I watched the last light from them faded, her eyelids closed and her body went limp.

I was bawling shaking her lightly. “Leila?” I said leaning over her. “Leila?!”

That was it, she was gone, gone for good. Never coming back to me, I will never be able to hold her in my arms. Never be able to whisper sweet-nothings into her ear, tell her I love her.

Leila was dead.

“NO!” I cried gently hugging her, her machines were going off and nurses and Doctors pouring into the room. “Leila!” I cried.

“Sir please move.” A Doctor said gripping my shoulder, I was ripped from Leila’s body and being pulled out of her room.

I stared back at her, she looked more peaceful.

“Leila!”

I remember that day like it was yesterday, Leila passed away 2 months ago and I am still a wreck. No one excepts me to recover fast from her death, they all have been giving me time. But there is always someone who stays with me at my apartment, just to keep an eye on me. Tom practically lives with me now.

I laid by Leila’s tombstone stroking the wet grass, it started raining. “I love yeh Leila, I do. I miss yeh terribly, I am nothing without yeh.” I cried closing my eyes.

I was dragged out of that room and pulled into a hug, Rob was the one who pulled me out and was hugging me. I remember I threw my arms around me crying my eyes out, I felt like a piece of me had been ripped out of me.

Rob took me back to my place and spent the night sleeping on the couch, I didn’t sleep that night. I laid there crying all night, the guys came and stayed too.

Now here I was lying on Leila’s grave crying, I don’t believe in God at all but I am positive he wanted his angel back. I wouldn’t blame him, Leila was perfect in so many ways even if she didn’t agree. In my eyes Leila was an angel, now I lost my angel.

I promised myself I would never love again, never find anyone after Leila. I told her this numerous times I have visited her grave, death is just something you don’t get over and move on quickly.

“I will never love another woman, I will forever love yeh. I will make something of myself, I will. Then someday Leila, I will come and join yeh. I promise.”