Helplessly, Hopelessly

I had a restless, sleepless night. My mind kept wandering to Leila, and her damn dirty little secret. The more and more she kept it from me, ignoring me. The more and more I wanted to know it. I wouldn’t rest until I knew.

I was loosing sleep over a girl. What is wrong with this picture, a lot. Because the girl I was loosing sleep over didn’t want me around her or near her or even to look at her. That just made her even more irresistible.

I think I needed some help.

Today was a nice day. The sun was out and shining, a few scattered clouds up in the sky. No humidity thank god, a light warm breeze. I was sitting under a tent by our merchandise, signing autographs if I felt like it. My mates all around me, beer in my hand. Laughing having a good time. Except there was one minor problem.

Leila was no where to be seen.

Rob was here chilling with us, a beer in his hand. But Leila was not with him, this seemed to bother me. I wanted to charge right up to Rob and demand to know where Leila was. Now that would be, um, not right. And totally not who I am and what I would do.

Sighing, I downed the rest of my beer, dropping it onto the ground. I sat back in my chair, my feet propped up on the merch table. My hands folded and rested on my lap, my sunglasses kept the burning sun out of my eyes.

A lone bird was flying through the blue sky, my eyes stared at it. I wonder what it would be like to be a bird. You were free, you could do whatever you pleased. Being able to fly away from things you didn’t want to deal with. My eyes followed it’s every move.

“Sykes.”

I turned my attention from the bird to my mate Matt. He was giving me a weird look, I rolled my eyes. “Wha’?” I asked.

“Another beer mate?” Matt asked holding up a Corona. I looked down at my hands, they were empty.

“Yeah.” I took the beer from Matt, cracking it open. I let the cool liquid slid down my throat. Refreshing.

Matt turned back to his conversation with Lee. I went back to pondering again, Leila crossed my mind; again. I kept looking around, hoping she would just randomly pop out of no where. My hopes were not coming true.

“Hey Rob! Where is lil’ Leila? Why she not joyin the beautiful weather!” Matt shouted holding his beer up into the air.

My ears perked with interested, I tuned into this conversation. Trying not to make it obvious I was listening in. “She’s not feeling good. So she is laying down.” Rob called back.

Matt and Lee just laughed, they were already pissed. I was no where near it, I only had one beer. Matt gave me my second one. Not feeling good huh. I thought.

The little wheels in my brain started turning again. Maybe she didn’t like the sun. She only liked cloudy days. Did sunny days give her headaches? So many questions were piling up in my brain. So many of them would go unanswered, that was something I was afraid of.

I scratched my chin, sipping my beer and looking around. There had to be something that could distract my mind right now. I couldn’t think of Leila right now, I was about to go insane. I just wanted some answers, she was not giving me any.

It’s like my pray had been answered. Our stage director came and told us we were going on stage soon. I basically hopped out of my chair and almost ran all the way to the stage. I needed a good distraction right now. Performing for a thousand screaming teenage fans was just it.

With everything I had, I hoped and prayed Leila would be here when I was done performing. There was something about that girl that I just liked being around her. It was almost like she brought peace wherever she was. That was something that I needed in my life, which can get pretty hectic if I must say.

Not long we were on stage, screaming fans before us. I gripped my mic smiling, I loved my job. I loved everything about it, except being called a man whore. I could live without that, that rumor caused me to not have long term relationships. Whoever started that rumor should be shot, in the head.

“ARE YOU READY TO FUCKIN PARTY?!” I screamed, everyone was like brought back to life. They screamed louder than before.

One of these days, I think I was going to go deaf.

“I WHISPERED IN HER EAR! FEAR ME DEAR FOR I AM DEATH!-” the lyrics tore through my vocal chords. They were ready to quit now but I had to finish.

I paced the stage as I destroyed my vocal chords, all just to please these fucking teenagers. I was sweating my balls off, even if it was nice out. I was jumping around stage and into the mosh pits. I had too, I was Oliver Sykes. That’s what I did at shows, if I didn’t. Then everyone would think something was wrong with me.

My body was ready to fall over and die. I longed for ice cold water and my Sanders juice to sooth my vocals. I heaved as I finished For Stevie Wonder’s Eyes Only. I was kneeling on the stage, my forehead pressed to the stage floor, the mic in my hand. I tended to do this a lot on stage.

“I WHISPERED IN HER EAR! FEAR ME DEAR FOR I AM DEATH!,” I gathered one last deep breath before finishing the song. “BITCH!” I growled.

The fans ate it up. I sat up on my knees, my breathing was heavy and tiring. I stared out at my fans, a smile on my face. They are the reason why I keep going with music. Matt Kean helped me up, I patted his back before standing on my box in the center toward the front.

“THANK YOU! WE FUCKING LOVE YOU ALL YOU CRAZY MOTEHR FUCKERS!” I screamed, pumping my mic into the air. I let it drop before walking off stage.

I fell into the nearest chair, my arm resting on a box. My head resting on my arm, I gasped for air. I felt someone pat my back. “Well done Oli. Don’t strain yer self mate, drink.”

I looked up to see Rob handing me water and my Sanders juice. “Thanks mate.” I gasped. Taking it and chugging them all.

I went back to resting my head on my arm. I closed my eyes, my hair stuck to the back of my neck. I could feel the sweat dripping down my body. It was all part of the job, I didn’t care. Everyone smelt terrible on Warp Tour, no showers.

After cooling off, pouring water over my head. I was able to walk again, I joined everyone. I was exhausted and most of looked it. “Oli, you look bloody terrible.” Matt Nicholls said.

“Eh.” Was all I said while nodding. I drank more of my water, I felt terrible.

“Ah Oli, just go to bed. Yeh need yer sleep.” Jona said smacking my back. I almost stumbled forward and onto the ground. Where I would of just passed out.

“I’ll be fine mate.” I said sighing, it hurt to take a breath.

“Yer not fine.” Jona shook his head.

I turned on my heel and walked away. Okay so maybe I was tired and wanted sleep. I grabbed a towel from some guy I passed. I wiped my face and dried my hair, wiping my neck and arms. I threw the towel to some random fan as I passed by a line of them. They all screamed my name, and if I would sign something for them.

I just kept walking, my eyes looking around the place. Leila still was not here, and it was getting dark. The sun was starting to set, I would think she would come out now. But still she did not show. Why was this bothering me so god damn much.

Walking up to the bus, I skipped onto it. Found my dad on the laptop, he smiled at me. “Good show?” he asked.

“Oh y’know, the usual.” I said walking to where the bunks were.

“Yeh look like shit Oli.” my dad laughed.

“I’ve been told that.” I laughed shutting the door.

I grabbed another towel, drying my hair some more before changing into just shorts. I laid down in my bunk, staring at the ceiling. Leila on my mind again.

Why do I keep thinking about yeh. . .