Say the Last Goodbye

~Katie’s P.o.V~

I opened my eyes to see only blurred blobs. As I blinked to try to speed up the process of my eyes clearing, I felt around to try and figure out my surroundings. Yet, while I also did this, I tried to let my shattered, fragile mind piece itself back together as much as it would possibly allow it this moment.

I felt warm skin come into contact with my slender fingers. As I slowly ran my fingers tips lightly against the person, it didn’t take long for me to realize that I was in my bed with Brian next to me. That led me to be positive that Tanya was the one on my other side.

I did have a feeling that she was there because her furious voice was repeatedly in my jumbled and incoherent dreams. Well more like nightmares…But Tanya was always there, trying to help me fight off my demons.

You’re such a wonderful friend… I thought sadly, because I knew that she couldn’t keep trying to hold me together and protect me from my horrors forever.

I knew that she would try, forever and ever, and I would do the same for her. I would risk my life just to protect her and the others that I loved but I hated it when they tried to keep my together. To try and forget about the gaping hole where my heart should be. To try and heal those ragged edges. Yet, I knew I could never let it heal.

I could never, in my fragile mind, let it heal. Only because I still hadn’t truly made peace with the fact that Travis had a permanent hold on my heart; even now. Five years later…

Plus, Tom brutally tore out the rest with his killing attitude and damage-capable hands. He ripped ragged edges around the throbbing wound to make it worse from the time he first hit me to the time when I would never see him again.

So, I guess, in truth, there is nothing left to give or to hold together. Well… my, at times, fragile mind does need a little help to be held together. But! I can do it by myself… as long as there is no booze within proximity of my needy hands.

I sighed deeply all-of-a-sudden, assessing how I felt physically. Oh, and trust me, I felt like complete and utter shit. I honestly felt like I had bathed in mud and grease; along with rinsing my mouth out with it. Utterly disgusting…

So, oh-so-carefully, I slipped out from underneath my covers and crawled on my hands and knees to the edge of my bed. I made it successfully, without waking Tanya or Brian. But I knew they would more than likely wake up when I started my shower.

So, silently walking across my dirty clothes on my floor, I cautiously ventured into the bathroom where I truly went insane this year.

I always walk cautiously into any room where my moment of hyperventilating and slight incoherency takes place. I always get scared that it’s going to happen again once I enter the dreaded area during my fragile two weeks.

But, 9 out of 10 times, it doesn’t happen. Luckily, this is one of those 9 times. I slowly approach the shower and draw back the curtain. The bath water that I had sitting in this tub for the last few days has been drained and the tub wiped down.

I sighed in relief and turned on the shower to a nice lukewarm temperature. It doesn’t take me long to strip down, get in the shower, and scrub my grimy skin clean. After I’m done, I turn off the water, get out of the shower sopping wet, and brush my teeth with lots of tooth paste and hard brushing.

Even though my mouth is minty and fresh after the five minutes of brutally scrubbing my mouth out with my toothbrush, it still feels filthy to me. So I just resolve that I’ll eat something and brush my teeth again.

I walk out of my bathroom, still completely undressed and uncaring, to my dresser so I can throw on some clean shorts and a bikini top. I get dressed quietly, not noticing that Brian was awake, and grab my brush off my dresser to untangle my now clean hair.

Out of my peripheral vision, I see Brian carefully get out of bed, as to not disturb Tanya, and walk towards me. I stand up straight, finish running my brush through my hair, square my shoulders, and look him straight in the face in the slight darkness.

There was silence for a moment until I broke it asking, “why are you still here?” There was no venom in my voice, but a calm even tone to it.

I was slightly shocked…

“I couldn’t stand leaving you alone.”

“Tanya’s here.”

“Yeah I know but-”

“And she can handle when I first snap.” I interrupted

“I’m sorry that-” Brian continued.

“But now I can handle myself.” I started to feel some tears coming on ut I shoved that weird emotion that caused them deep down.

“I left you that day.” Brian finished.

I looked at him, trying to keep my composure.

“I kicked Michelle out of my house. Along with bagging all of her shit up and throwing them in her shitty car that she originally had. I came here because I hadn’t heard from you for a few days. You had taken off of work and none of them had heard form you after that so I became worried…” He told me.

Yet… I wasn’t sure whether to believe him or not. His facial expression that I could faintly see told me that he wasn’t lying and the sincerity in his voice said the same thing but because of that little horrible twinge of doubt and insecurity, I had a hard time deciding. That little speck in my heart mind tried to overrule my unstable logic.

Thus, I stared at him blankly for a few seconds before I decided to believe my logic and trust what he said was true.

“…Why didn’t you call me then?” My voice was now quiet and childlike.

“In all honesty Katie, I don’t know. I should have. I should have called you but I didn’t. and I hate myself so much for that…” Anger was trying to break through in his voice on that last sentence but it seemed Brian was able to contain it.

I had no idea why he tried to contain that little bit of anger towards himself but I knew deep down that he must of done it because he was talking to me. Maybe because he was scared that I would think that that little bit of anger was directed towards me. But I knew it wasn’t. I wasn’t completely stupid, fragile, or childish.

“Well it’s okay. At least you’re here now, and I don’t want you beating yourself up because of you not calling me.” I took no hesitation in wrapping my arms around his strong torso and burying my face in his neck.

Brian quickly wrapped his arms around me and rested his head on the top of mine. His strong arms were wrapped securely around me and it comforted me.

I lightly kissed Brian’s neck and pulled away from him. Brian sighed and gave a faint smile. I returned it before I made my way out of the room towards my kitchen. Brian followed and I felt a sort of peace because of that. And that made me smile.