Sitting In My Trackie Bums!

<Rick>
We made it.
Me and Rachel are sitting in a small cafe in Paris.
Rachel seems to think shes an expert on speaking french but most of the time she gets it wrong or says something offensive.
Luckily my grandad was french so I can speak almost fluently.''I'll just ask this man for directions to the Eiffel tower and where the nearest bin is,I need to throw this away.'' She says, holding up her burger with beef that hasn't been cooked. She tried to ask for a muffin.
''Oh maybe I should...''
''I can do it perfectly well myself thank you very much.''
She walks over to a young french man with blonde hair.
''La tour Eiffel est haut ou sur bas?Ses ordures.'' She questions.
Is the Eiffel tower up or down?Its rubbish.
Fuck.
The man looks confused and slightly offended.
I walk over quickly.
''Désolé ma femme veut savoir où la boîte la plus proche est et elle veut des directions à la tour Eiffel. Elle a Le Francois affix.'' I explain.
Sorry my wife wants to know where the nearest bin is and she wants directions to the Eiffel tower.She has awful french.
He gives me the directions and we leave.
''I don't see why you had to butt in Rick.'' She says
''Sorry.'' I say,too tired to argue.
Suddenly I spot someone across the road, who looks familiar...Oh! it's Kathy's friend. What was her name? Geraldine? well it was something weird. I turn around to face Rachel.
''Look it's your sisters friend, um, Geraldine?'' I ask, hoping I've got her name right.
''Gerry Helga? where?'' She asks, looking completely shocked.
''Over....Where's she gone?'' I say as I turn around to find that there is nobody there.
''Perhaps your imagining things Rick.''
''I am not!'' She shrugs and I know she doesn't believe me.

<Rachel>
*Three hours later*
''We finally make it back to the hotel,Rick kept on buying things for Jason and Tabitha.
I got them things I know they will love.For Tabitha I got a makeup kit and for Jason a book about french wildlife. Perfect.
I also got Kathy a chainsaw because I hear shes having an chainsaw party.
Hope it will get through customs.
Hopefully its not just a rumor, like when I heard she was having a lesbian rights party and I turned up in a bikini.Turned out it was a cabbage party and Derek kept staring at my chest and mentioning 'two special cabbages.' '' I mumble,pretending to be the host on a holiday show.
''What was that?'' Asks Rick.
''Nothing.''I say
''Im going to ask that man if he can clean our bathroom.Theres an awful smell in there.''
''No Rick,Its my turn,you got to ask the lady in the chemist for laxative pills.''I say loudly and the man at the counter gives him a funny look.
I hope Rick doesn't find out I finished off the last pack of the laxatives.They taste so nice but I was pooing for hours.

''Excusez-moi ? Mon Mari Croat Que voes Senates com me Meade ET IL vet Que voes Le Nettie's.'' I say
Excuse me? My husband thinks that you smell as shit and he wants you to clean it up.

The man looks at Rick angrily.
''Fils d'une chine!'' he exclaims
Son of a bitch!
''Non la Sallee DE bairns NE sent ET Jae vex Que voes Le Nettie's!''
No the bathroom smells and I want you to clean it up!

The man starts poking rick in the stomach and Rick starts poking him back.
''Stop!''I shout.
Oh he won't understand...
How do you say stop touching?
''Contact DE portering!Contact DE portering!'' I shout.
Breast contact!Breast contact!
They both stop and stare at me.
''Thats not right is it?''I ask.
''No.'' Rick says.
''Aide DE Die Elle!''The man says.
God help her
''Wee.'' Answers Rick.
Yes