Falling in Love Alone

We met when his family moved next door to mine. My mother being the freakish social butterfly she always has been went out of her way to make them feel at home in this new neighborhood especially once she realized this was their first home in America.

They had to come over for dinner their first night seeing as they’d be too busy packing to make a proper home cooked meal, according to my mother.

He and I were 8 we both looked at each other like the other had cooties.

By the end of the night he pulled my hair and I shoved him to the ground.

He looked up at me in amazement.

“You shove really hard for a girl.” His child’s voice rang with the adorable British accent he’d soon loose. He stood up and brushed himself off. “I’m Alex.” He said and stuck his hand out to shake mine even though we’d already been introduced.

“Taylor.” I said back accepting at that moment that we were going to be great friends.

We have been friends ever since that night.

We discovered this town together. He was always wild and rambunctious in ways that I could never dream to be and all but took me on adventures through this city when we were bored. He introduced me to four of my other best friends. It was always almost like I was the one from another country.

Once we hit puberty though, things changed… At least for me.

My body was the first thing. My awkward form that had looked almost boyish developed curves. My jeans were snug in new places and my shirts stretched at the chest.

Then my mentality. I could hardly walk out the door without stopping to look in the mirror to double check that my long chestnut brown hair had fallen into the right spots and my face framing bangs hung around my jade green eyes enough to bring them out when as a kid you barely could get me to brush my hair.

Then my sexuality came into play. This was the biggest change and I’ll easily say the one that ruined my life. When this came about I noticed Alex. The way puberty changed him. It took his body a little longer to catch up with mine but his sexuality was in full bloom long before that hit. He’d grown a good five inches finally making him taller than my Amazonian 5’10. His shoulders broadened. His eyes never held youthful innocence anymore there was always something sensual brewing beneath the gorgeous brown. I became attracted to him, like I was the only one.

Every girl in our class started to notice him especially because of his, Rian, Jack and Zack’s band.

He dated lots of them. Even lost his virginity at 15 only months after my interest in him began to appear. That could have broken my heart. He’d been my first kiss -granted only because we were both too scared to not know what it was like- part of me wished we’d be each other’s first time too.

Once we hit 16. There was nothing I could do. I was in love with him, and he was a sucker for blondes.

Although he’d never say that every steady girlfriend he’s ever had was a fair haired goddess.

I even had highlights put in through all my hair in hopes of getting his attention. Nothing.

What was worse, he’d figured it out by then that I had more then just friendship feelings for him.

That was the worst thing that could have happened.

He climbed the trellis that led to my bedroom window the night Wendy broke up with him and woke me from my peaceful Friday night’s sleep -the sleep that’s supposed to rest you from the week at school and prepare you for your weekend- by knocking on my window.

If I’d have known then what I know now I would have known to pretend to sleep through it and not to open the window, although I probably still would have opened it because I was a fool in love.

I hazily rolled over seeing his face looking broken and pitiful in my window. I climbed from my bed feeling more aware then I should have because my concern for him brought me out of my stupor.

I yanked the window open and helped him through. “What’s wrong Alex?”

He didn’t even look at me until he was halfway in my room pacing only inches away from crying. “Wendy.” Was all he said when he finally glanced up at me with his glossy eyes.

Then he began his tirade. “I’m desirable right? I’m loveable? Please tell me they don’t all leave because of me.” He said desperately as he came to me attaching himself to me like I was the only thing keeping him from breaking.

I never thought I’d see Alex Gaskarth -my dearest Alex- looking so frightened and desperate as he did then.

My arms wrapped around him right back feeling at peace being the one he needs, the one he runs too, and losing my right in his hair as the other rubbed soothing circles on his back. “Of course love.” I whispered softly not trying to give away what I’d believed was still secret.

“Then why do they all leave me?” He pleaded with me. Alex who’d somehow gotten this “player” label was always the one played in his relationships but the girls always wanted to play the victim and he never did let anyone but me see him fall.

“Because they don’t know how great they got it.” I muttered simply.

He pulled away to look me in the eyes. “You love me right?” That was the moment he revealed to me it had never been a secret at all.

I obviously had been stupid enough to think this was that big moment where he’d reveal his love right back so I didn’t lie. “Yes.” Lightly slipped beyond the treacherous gates of my lips.

He didn’t say anything just hungrily crashed his forceful lips upon me in a needy kiss.

I gave in without ever doubting him, assuming we’d break and he confess his undying love for me.

He grabbed my hips and pulled me to him making sure there wasn’t an inch of space between us. He pinned me between his body and my bedroom wall. We damn near knocked down the picture of us at Disney World when we were 11 that hung in a frame from the wall.

This felt like heaven to me. Every part of me tingled with the pleasure of knowing he wanted me too.

His lips moved expertly against mine and already found his way through my lips and had his tongue tangling with my own. His hands moved from my waist to the hem of my top not even waiting for an indication of hesitation from me and began pulling it over my head.

I wouldn’t have hesitated anyways I did believe he was meant to be my first.

With my compliance made obvious he lifted my legs to his waist so our hips and chest were still attached and moved us to my bed. Which is where we both rid each other of our clothes and did something I’d wanted to do for a good long time.

When he was gone the next morning I realized what I’d already known to be true. He didn’t love me back. He needed someone to prove he was desirable and loveable. I was the easiest target. I’d always love him and find him desirable.

My best friend used me.

I wanted from the pit of my soul to hate him but I couldn’t no matter how hard I tried.

When he called me -acting as though nothing had changed- inviting me to band practice I obliged with a smile.

Years later I saw him fall in love. While I still carried my torch for him he set his eyes on another. She was a pretty little blonde thing -nothing strange there- who loved him right back.

I saw it happen. I saw every wall he’d ever build up fall right down for her. She got him more fully then even his best friends did. He couldn’t even open up to me the way he could her. That’s how I knew everything was different.

After they dated for four years he finally gathered up the courage to propose in front of a hometown crowd. Everyone they grew up with was there, their parents and all their friends. It was perfect.

I cried just the same. I passed it off as overwhelming happiness for them but Alex knew better -he always did- and sent me an apologetic smile.

A week before they were married he called me with cold feet begging me to come over and I did because just like when we were teenagers I couldn’t ever say no to him.

The second I walked into his empty house he caught my face between his hands and pushed his lips to mine in a far gentler kiss than the one we shared all those years ago in my bedroom. The soft kiss held searching. He was trying to discover something but I was to wrapped up in his lips to care.

He pulled away with a smile.
“Thank you Tay.” He said with his eyes closed.

I knew this was bad. “Why are you thanking me?”

His eyes slid open and his happiness just exuded from them. “I know now that getting married is the right decision.”

My heart shattered I was the deciding factor, he couldn’t fall in love with me because I wasn’t as good as her.

I spent most of the week mourning my broken heart plastering a fake smile and giving a falsified toast at the wedding.

Soon enough though realized my heart could heal.

Five years later it was Alex attending my wedding as my maid of honor -and yes that was what I called him- and another year later he was in the maternity ward of the hospital with me looking at my beautiful baby girl after Mark left to get himself a bit of lunch.

“She’s beautiful Taylor.” Alex said honestly looking at the precious bundle in my arms.

“Do you want to hold her?” I asked kindly looking into those eyes that always amazed me.

He gladly took the little girl into his skilled arms. He’d become a father the year before.

“Now Michael has someone to grow up with.” I spoke thinking on how beautiful that could be. “Maybe they’ll fall in love and we can be in-laws.” I joked.

“He won’t be good enough for her either.” He said softly not taking his eyes off of the little girl.

“What?” I asked curiously.

He sighed and looked up at me. “I always knew you were too good for me Taylor. That’s why I couldn’t fall in love with you.”

“Alex what are you talking about?” I couldn’t believe he was saying this.

“You deserved the stable, always there guy. Mark. I’ve always deserved the wild all over the place gal. Laurie. You’re perfect and I’m not the guy you’ve always needed. I was the guy who always needed you. I couldn’t fall in love with you. I would have never done you justice.”

I smiled. “You will always do me justice Alex.”

He never loved me but he knew he could have, he made my heart race for the first time in years.

My heart would always be had by the man I’ll never have.

Yet somehow at that moment I came to peace with that.

Our kids did grow up together.

It was like getting the outsider’s view on mine and Alex’s childhood.

Alex and I when watching them on the occasions we were all together would look at each other and smile at the memories it evoked.

When she hit about the age I was when I fell for Alex I saw her do the same thing with Mike.

I called Alex and told him and I could hear the smile in his voice when he responded.

He saw Mike become smitten with Juliet right back.

When Mark was walking her down the isle when she was 22 to meet the boy I’d predicted she’d end up with I looked across the isle to Alex who’s arm was slung over his crying wife’s shoulder who looked back smiling perfectly satisfied with the true beauty of the moment.

This was the happy ending I was intended, my perfect baby girl never having to settle for anything less then her heart’s one true desire. That was way better than good enough for me.