Panic Over; Party Off, Party On

It’s strange how a lie that’s told with the best possible intentions can wind up ruling your life. That’s what happened two years ago during my junior year of high school. I lied to my older brother, my best friend in the entire world, about his girlfriend cheating on him just to spare him the humiliation and defeat. I told my parents that he had been sleeping with her even though they were both still in high school, thinking that they would forbid him from seeing her and I would never have to tell him the truth. It didn’t work, and all that became from it was my parents finding out about me being sexually active and therefore not trusting me anymore, but more importantly, my older brother not trusting me anymore, period.

I watched Eric graduate in June of that year, receiving his second high school diploma. I watched him be accepted into the four-year program at McGill back in Montreal. I watched him and Maya break up mutually because of the distance, with her getting away with her actions that had been held above my head. Things had eventually simmered down, but they weren’t the same between Eric and I anymore. I always expected a teary-eyed departure when he went off to college away from me, but all I got was a hug and a “stay safe, kid.”

Senior year came and went nearly as fast as junior year, though it came with roadblocks of its own. When Zack first proposed the idea of moving to California after graduating, I’ll admit at first I had assumed he’d forget about it in a week or so. But he didn’t, and far from it. For months he continued talking about it, until it grew on me so much that I couldn’t help but voice my own opinions (like how he wanted to paint the walls white, and I agreed; or how if there was only one closet in our bedroom, then as the female I would automatically get most of it) and I began to grow just as excited as he was. When it came time to begin applying for colleges, though, my parents weren’t so easy to convince.

Zack’s parents had accepted a while ago that college was not for their son; the band had already been signed on to a small independent label, and would only grow from there. But my parents were so set on me going to college in Montreal it seemed that anywhere else was the equivalent of not going to college at all. Still, I compiled all of the facts in an organized manner that my parents had come to expect from me over the years. Yes, going to college in America would be incredibly expensive, but there were scholarships I could apply for and student loans I could take out. Plus I’d save money on room and board by renting my own place with Zack (his parents insisted that they pay for nearly 70% of the rent so I wouldn’t be under too much financial stress, even though I tried to assure them it wouldn’t be a problem). That didn’t go over too well, either.

Still, by the time college letters had come in the mail, I had been accepted into both the college back in Canada, and the one in California. With a little bit more pleading and research on their programs, I had my parent’s reluctant blessing. I had felt like I had knocked down yet another boulder on my twisted road to happiness.

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I had two things to look forward to this week: Zack was coming back from tour, and Eric was coming to visit California, and in essence, me. When he first called to say he was coming for a few days of vacation, he made it sound like visiting me was some kind of honor he was bestowing upon me. But I talked to my mom later and she assured me he just wasn’t ready yet to admit he missed me. No one except my friends knew about Maya cheating on Eric, and when I called Zack to tell him he was coming for a few days he nearly begged me to tell him so we could fix our relationship. It wasn’t like last year, where my mom literally had to force us both to talk on the phone once a month. We called each other willingly these days, but there was still something off. Something that hadn’t been resolved.

I was going to do it today. I couldn’t be alone like this anymore. I needed my brother to talk to when Zack was on tour, and I couldn’t stand my parents being the messenger for the two of us. He was twenty now, I was eighteen, and we were still acting like toddlers. I fiddled with the spoon in my vanilla ice cream, being tempted to take a bite but resisting. Across the table was a bowl with chocolate that I had ordered for Eric, knowing that he was going to be hungry and hoping it would put him in an agreeable mood. I didn’t even realize he was standing next to me until his shadow had blurred out the California sun.

I stood up quickly, the chair scraping against the pavement. I wondered if I should hug him, but when he didn’t reach out to hug me, I assumed that I shouldn’t. “Look at you.” I finally said, taking in his appearance. He looked the same, still tall with disheveled dark brown hair, but he had beefed up just a little bit. Mom had said that he had started running more, but I didn’t realize until now that Eric was actually capable of looking lean instead of just skinny. “You look good.” I stated.

He smiled softly before sitting down in front of his chocolate ice cream. “You look good, too… tan.” He took a bite of his ice cream, and I was instantly glad I had ordered some. At least now we had something to do instead of just being awkward. “So how’s school?”

“It’s good,” I replied simply.

“How’s Zack?” Asked Eric, taking another bite of his ice cream.

“Good,” I responded. “He’s coming home from tour tomorrow.”

“That’s nice.” Eric muttered. The conversation stalled, and the air around us felt tense and forced. His eyes flickered with a precociousness that Eric had always been known for. Why was it that it seemed he knew more than he should? Like he was always one step ahead of everyone else? “Do you have anything you… want to tell me?” He finally asked, raising and eyebrow.

I gulped, knowing that this was my chance, but unable to find the right words. “What would make you think that?”

Eric shrugged. “Rian said you had something to tell me.” It figured that distance couldn’t keep those two apart.

“It… it was about Maya.” I mumbled, and Eric smiled. Not the kind of smile like he was thinking about old memories, but the kind of smile that I had reached the topic of discussing he wanted to be brought up most of all. “When I told mom and dad about you and her, I was… covering up for something.”

“And what was that?” Eric mused, taking a bite of his ice cream.

“That she had been cheating on you.” I blurted out finally, and it felt like a one hundred pound weight had been lifted off of my chest. Like I could breath for the first time in years. “That she had been cheating on you with members of the football and baseball team.”

“Don’t forget the member of the math Olympiads.” He added cheekily, causing me to laugh, then freeze suddenly. I opened my mouth to say something – anything – but nothing came out. How did he know? Who told him? Eric shrugged, licking the last bit of chocolate off his spoon. I could see him staring at my vanilla ice cream, which I hadn’t even touched, so I quickly pushed it towards him. I wasn't hungry anymore. “I’ve known since senior year Remy. Rian told me a few weeks after you told mom and dad.” His voice was so calm, like this was all one big joke to him.

“You knew,” I said softly. “You knew and you let me beat myself up over it? That was the cruelest thing you’ve ever done!” I nearly shouted the last bit, and Eric looked at me with a sort of amusement in his eyes.

“I was waiting for you to tell me yourself.” He replied, taking a bite of the vanilla ice cream before pushing it away in disgust. “Better late than never, though, right?” I tried to say something, but I couldn’t. My blood was boiling and my head was spinning, and I thought I was going to pass out. When I didn’t respond, Eric just continued anyway. “Yeah, I was hurt at first, but then it became this whole game between the two of us. Kind of like who could sleep with the most people, you know? She won.” He paused. “I was amazed that you didn’t find out. Rian did a really good job.” When I was speechless yet again, Eric sighed. “Well go on, say something already!”

“What was the point of that?” Was all I could manage to ask.

“To get you to realize that our friendship was conditional.” He replied matter-of-factly. “That even though you thought you were doing something for my own good, as my sister and best friend, you really weren’t.” His tone was so arrogant, so high-and-mighty, it made me want to puke. Where was the Eric I had grown up with?

“Just like you thought you were doing this for my own good?” I spat back. “Well guess what, Eric. Our friendship isn’t just conditional from your part, it’s conditional from my part, too.” I stood up and pushed my chair in, leaving him with a confused look on his face.

“I just wanted you to trust me!” He exclaimed as I grabbed my purse. “To know that I wouldn’t be angry at you for telling me the truth!”

“Fuck you.” I responded.

And so we were back to square one.