Seeing Doesn't Have To Mean Believing

Claire’s Point Of View

It was midnight and as usual I couldn’t sleep.

I listened, making sure that I didn’t hear anyone up before I pulled my favorite blanket and stuffed animal off of my bed and tip-toed my way to the living room. I did this almost every night after about an hour of tossing and turning. I put my things down on the couch and then went to our entertainment center, sitting on the carpet and carefully sliding the droor out so it didn’t make noise. I liked to watch old home movies; they took my mind away to before my life turned upside down.

I must have seen them all about a hundred times each at the least, but none of them ever got old. Even the newer ones still made me smile and they weren’t even about me, but the twins! I decided against one of those, though, and chose the first and my all time favorite.

V.1 BEACH

They were all numbered and labeled DVD’s, all in order of when they were taken so it was in the very back of the droor. I looked over my shoulder, making sure neither of my fathers had woken up, and then snatched the disc and discarded it from its case before turning on the television. I crawled over to the coffee table and picked up the remote, turning down the volume and switching it over to DVD. I waited a second or two before the blue screen flashed across the monitor. I pressed the ‘open’ button, putting the disc in the slot and then pushing the tray so it would close. I got off of the floor and plopped myself down onto the couch, snuggling into the arm rest and wrapping my blanket around me. I pressed play and grabbed my monkey, Bongo, relaxing my head on the back cushion.

The screen was black before focusing in on the sand at the beach, the corner of our blanket visible and you could hear me ‘Ga ga ga-ing’ in the background. I smiled, knowing what was coming next.

“Is this thing even on?” my daddy’s voice sounded in the speakers that were right above my head.

“Gerard, the red light is on, that means its recording!” Dad’s voice said, quite amused. I started blabbing even louder, though you still couldn’t see anything but the hot summer sand.

“Are you sure? I'm 33 and I don’t know how to work a damn video camera!” Daddy huffed, finally moving the camera so that he was filming me and dad. I was bouncing down in between dad’s legs as he supported me, facing him and making incoherent noises. He was smiling at me and shaking his head ridiculously.

“Daddy, remember we don’t use those words in front of the baby!” he said in a light and airy voice, making me giggle both on screen and in real life. Daddy giggled too.

“Sorry babe.” Daddy mumbled from the other side of the camera, staying hidden to viewers. Dad picked me up and sat me on his lap so that I could look at the contraption my daddy was holding in his hands.

“Don’t apologize to me, say sorry to the Baby!” dad said in his cute voice again, bouncing me up and down. Even if I couldn’t see him, I knew daddy was probably rolling his eyes.

“Daddy’s sorry Claire Bear, swearing is bad, even if you can’t understand what I'm saying!” he said, making me laugh. Dad shot a playful glare at the camera and then smiled down at me again. He took my hands and clapped them together.

“Say ‘Yay’ Claire! Say ‘Thank you daddy!’” he continued to bounce me while clapping my hands making the one and a half year old me giggle uncontrollably.

The camera was turned around and Daddy finally made a physical appearance. All you could see was his head, and his eyes covered by his Ray Ban’s. “Gerard here, and not very good at this video recording stuff. Frankie and I decided to take Claire to the beach for the first time so we thought it would be a good idea to tape it? Uhh, yeah,” he laughed, looking away from the camera and probably towards me and my dad. I started ‘ga-ing’ again which made daddy smile as he looked back to the lens. “As you can hear, it’s already a big hit!” he said and turned the camera around again so that you could see me in my pretty pink bathing suit and completely covered in pasty white sun block. I’m sitting down, clutching my stuffed monkey, swinging it around and yelling. I was pretty much having the time of my life.

“Oh yeah? Is that so?” Dad would ask me, and I'd go off on another uncomprehending rant. He was lying on his stomach and supported up by one elbow and reaching out with his free hand to adjust my white hat. In almost an instant the camera was closer to me and I knew that daddy was kneeling next to me.

“Hi beautiful girl!” he said, reaching out and touching my cheek and I almost wacked his camera out of his hands in the process, still mindlessly waving Bongo around. “Whoah!” Daddy said, laughing. He turned to look at dad whose face was in the blanket now, laughing at me and daddy.

“Claire, your dad thinks that we’re funny. You know what I think?” Daddy rhetorically asked me, flashing back to me for only a second, revealing that I stopped abusing my stuffed friend and decided to chew on his ear instead. Then in a flash dad was on the screen again, now sitting in a crossed legged position, looking intently into the camera. He was still wearing his t-shirt but he took off his sneakers.

“What do you think, Daddy?” he asked, winking. Now I was the one to roll my eyes, catching the sexual reference. The camera got closer and closer to dad’s face, until daddy must have held the camera away to give dad a kiss on the cheek.

“I think you’re cute!" Daddy whispered, just loud enough for the camera to catch. I smiled, watching my parents on our television. They still did this all the time, and it was kind of nice to know how much they’ve always loved each other.

Dad scrunched up his face and his cheeks turned pink as daddy got himself out of view again. "Well thanks daddy, I think you’re cute too.” he said quietly. All of the sudden you could hear clapping and then me start to ‘Ba ba ba’ instead of ‘Ga ga ga’. Dad faked a gasp and his eyes got wide as he smiled in my direction. “And I think Claire’s cute too!" he said, reaching out and picking me up. He lay down and placed me on his stomach, securely holding me there so I didn’t fall off. He began kissing my nose, sending me in another giggle fit.

“Yes, I do. Claire is soo cute! She is! Oh yes she is!” he exclaimed, rubbing our noses together like Eskimo’s. The focus became a little wobbly before I knew it I could see both of my father’s laying side by side on their backs, looking at me. The only problem was that half of their heads were cut off because daddy couldn’t really see what he was filming.

“She’s beautiful!” Daddy said, kissing dad’s cheek again. For a long time they just stayed like that, watching me. Due to the lack of action, and my previous excitement, I guess I got tired because I put my head on my dad’s chest and fell asleep. “So much for building sand castles and swimming, huh?” daddy whispered, laughing a little. Dad grinned at him before reaching for the camera and stealing it.

“Your arm must be getting tired,” He said, accidentally zooming in on daddy’s nose. “Let’s switch.” he said. Now came a series of close ups of daddy’s face, then his t-shirt clad chest before he picked me up and held me in his arms, snuggling me to him. Dad must have gotten up because I could now see more than just my daddy and me on the screen. But that changed because dad turned the camera around so that his face occupied it.

“Well, that’s all for now folks. This Daddy-Cam is going to take a nap!” Dad gave a big grin and then turned the camera around one more time. Right before the screen went black you could see my daddy slowly swaying back and forth, kissing the top of my head.

I sighed, closing my eyes. A single tear slid down my cheek, coming out of my right eye. I brought my hand to my face, rubbing away the salty wetness before opening my eyes and blinked at the blank screen.

“Princess?” I jumped up at the sound of a groggy voice. I turned around and saw my dad standing in the hallway, rubbing his eyes. “What are you doing?” he asked. I blinked again, squishing Bongo into my side.

“I couldn’t sleep…” I said quietly. Dad shook his head and laughed. He walked over to the couch and sat next to me. I shifted in my seat, shaking my head and hoping my bangs could cover my face. I couldn’t let him see…

“Claire, sweetie, how long have you been up?” he asked, his arm lifted and making its way to my face, to push my bangs away… I thought fast and leaned into him so that my left side was hidden. His hand ended up on top of my head.

“Only for a while, did I wake you?” I asked sweetly. I knew I wouldn’t be in trouble for being up but I felt sort of guilty for being too loud. Plus, I didn’t want him worrying. Even worse, I didn’t want him to tell Daddy and have him worry, he was the worst!

“Naw, I just got up to go to the bathroom and saw the light.” He explained, smoothing down my already matted down hair. I sighed, relieved, and cuddled into my dad even more. “Is everything okay?” he asked. I stopped for a second, and looked up at him with a blank expression.

Okay? Is everything okay? No! No dad, everything is a mess! I can’t see out of my left eye and I'm really scared but I'm too afraid to tell you or daddy or my friends and I don’t know what to do! Nothing is at all okay!

I forced a smile and nodded. “Yeah dad, I'm fine. I guess I just felt like watching this is all.” I said, still smiling. He smiled back down at me and kissed my forehead.

“Well, it’s a school night Claire Bear and it’s kind of late! You should be in bed.” he said, putting his arm around me and rubbing my shoulder. I made a face.

“Daaaad!” I whined, pressing my face into his arm. I heard him laugh and I lifted my head, making sure my left eye wasn’t exposed and gave him a hopeful smile. After an intense staring contest that lasted about a minute and a half he broke, sighing exaggeratedly, and smiled.

“Fine, but don’t tell daddy!” he said pretending to be strict. I grinned and rested my head on his shoulder. “What are we watching?” he asked, taking the remote from beside my feet.

“The beach,” was all I needed to say. Other than sneaking around at night I liked to watch movies on rainy days too, and this one often playing.

“Oooh, good one.” dad said, pressing play.

“Is this thing even on?”

I smiled, knowing that I had avoided the situation yet again. For now as far as anyone knew, there was nothing wrong. When I yawned dad rubbed my shoulder again and for the first time in forever my eyes felt droopy before 4am hit. I closed them, and just listened to my first time at the beach, before falling asleep.