Seeing Doesn't Have To Mean Believing

Claire’s Point Of View

“Claire, baby girl, wake up…” a soft voice said. I felt someone gently rubbing my shoulder and I was laying on something soft.

“Claire Bear, you’ve got to wake up now, sweetie,” my daddy’s voice cooed to me again. I squeezed my eyes shut before opening them and found myself looking at everything sideways.

I first noticed that I was in a doctor’s office, my sight along with the smell telling me so. Then I realized that my head was on daddy’s legs, which had substituted as a pillow. Daddy was still rubbing my shoulder as I tried to push myself up to look at everyone. My head hurt, making me wince, and the room started to spin slightly. My face scrunched and I shut my eyes again, wanting to go back to sleep. Daddy sat me up, though, and wrapped his arm around my shoulders, rubbing my right one still.

“Claire, we need to talk to you,” I heard my dad’s voice say, suddenly on my other side. I leaned into daddy’s chest, resting my head down in hopes of the pain going away.

“Claire, this is serious. Could you please look up at me?” another voice asked. It wasn’t my daddy and it wasn’t dad. I whimpered before opening my eyes and slowly looked up to find Dr. Miri solemnly looking back at me. I squinted, not sure if I was seeing things right.

Why would I be in the doctor’s office anyways? And why was everyone so quiet and unsmiling? Where were the twins? Why had I been asleep, and what time was it? What was go-

Oh my god.

Oh my god, I forgot!

How? How could I have messed up, and how could I have been so stupid?

Oh my god, they knew! They knew that I was a freak, and they’re mad! They hate me, they must! I screwed up their hard earned and normal life and they must be disappointed in me!

I'm disappointed in me!

My chest started to rise and fall, each time increasing more and more. My head started to throb, the back feeling intensely painful. My face grew hot and my already puffy eyes began to leak salty wet tears. I closed my eyes and buried my face into daddy’s chest again, hiding my left eye from everyone and everything.

Daddy hugged me to him, squeezing me really. I felt another body press into my side and dad kissed my head, asking me to open my eyes and look at them. He was begging me to listen to them, he was pleading for me to talk to them. His voice kept getting softer and softer, though, because my sobs kept getting louder and louder.

Someone’s hands were on my knees now and I jumped a little. “Please, we just want to know what’s going on. I just need you to calm down, Claire, and open your eyes so I can give you a check-up.” Dr. Miri’s voice said, surprisingly in a calm manner. While dad was frantically asking me to cooperate, and daddy was rocking me back and forth in an anxious manner, the doctor seemed as pacified as ever. I guess he was used to this sort of thing.

“No one is mad at you, Claire. We’re all here to help you, sweetie. We all just want to know what’s wrong so we can fix it! You did nothing wrong, so you have nothing to be ashamed of. It’s going to be okay, alright? We just need you to calm down a little, open your eyes and let me see what you’ve been hiding, okay?” Dr. Miri soothingly persisted. And I actually listened, too. I sniffled and rubbed my face on daddy’s shirt. I could feel him lean over and kiss my head. Slowly, I looked up at my daddy. He had been crying, too, because his eyes were red and puffy just like mine probably were. I don’t know how, but he was able to come up with a smile to give me. My head still hurt, but since I turned cautiously it didn’t hurt that much when I looked over at dad. I was surprised to see that he was crying! I've never seen dad cry before, ever!

“You’re not mad?” I squeaked.

Dad’s eyebrows furrowed and he glanced over at daddy before looking back at me.

“Of course not, princess. We could never be mad at you for something that’s out of your control!” he assured me. He leaned down and kissed my forehead, making me start crying again.

“You d-don’t h-h-hate m-me?” I stuttered out. Someone gasped and daddy’s embrace was made tighter around me.

“We could never ever hate you! Ever! Do you understand me, angel? Dad and I love you no matter what. With all of our hearts. And we could never ever think anything less than that! I love you,” he assured me, hugging me to him and kissing my hair. I cried even harder, because I knew he was right.

After a couple of minutes I took an uneasy breath, letting it out shakily. My eyes were leaking uncontrollably, but I didn’t try to stop the tears. My heart was still pounding, but it felt more like something in the background rather than an urgent occurrence. My trembling hands brought themselves up to my eyes and rubbed them red. I nodded my head, then, and pulled away from my dads’ a little.

I was ready.

I brought one of my hands up to push my bangs out of my face and nodded again, looking at Dr. Miri.

“I'm ready…” I voiced, sounding unfamiliar. Strangled almost, and scratchy.

Again, I felt my dad and daddy latch onto me. They were squeezing me and kissing my head, stroking my arms and rocking me. I wasn’t paying much attention to them, though. I was staring ahead, intently. There was nothing in particular to look at, but it was better than focusing in on anything, either. It was better than officially facing anyone.

Dr. Miri had gotten up moments before and pulled some latex gloves onto his hands. I could tell that he was fiddling around with his medical tools and his doctor things that I didn’t even know the names of, just to take up some time. When I told them all that I was ready he dragged his stool over to where he could sit in front of me and waited patiently. I could tell that he was nervous, too.

Ever since I was born, I've known Dr. Miri. Sure my dads’ sent me to a pediatrician like any other kid, but they also took me to see him. He’s always just been part of my life and I felt comfortable around him. Probably more comfortable than I was with my pediatrician, even. It’s like he’s this really distant uncle who also happens to kind of be one of my doctors. I wasn’t surprised that he’s the one my parents decided to take me to today.

“Okay, well, I'm just going to take a quick look right now and then we’ll determine what we’ll do depending on what I see. Does that sound reasonable?” he asked me, before looking passed my eyes and into dad’s and daddy’s. I nodded for the third time, not really even thinking much about it. I felt how close he was to me and could somewhat see him even if I wasn’t focused. One of my fathers rubbed my arm, comfortingly as I tried really hard not to blink. Dr. Miri had seemed to take forever, even if it had just been a few seconds. Finally, though, he pulled away letting me blink as much as I wanted to. He let out a heavy sigh and from the sounds of it, there wasn’t good news.

“Our… our worst fears are confirmed.” He said, making my chest tighten.

“No!” Daddy whispered next to me, the pained tone in his voice sounding in my ears, just as Dad had mumbled out “Fuck!”

“Wh-what’s… what’s wrong with me?” I asked softly, not exactly sure. I'd assumed that I had discoloration or something that would make my family stand out even more from the crowd, and draw unwanted attention to us. What could be worse?

No one said anything for a couple of minutes. All that could be heard were sobs and gasps. I glanced over at my doctor and even he was starting to tear up. Helplessly, I looked to my dad who had his head in his hands, then I turned to Daddy who had his lips pressed together like he was trying not to make any noise, he looked hurt.

“Claire, you… you’ve got a tumor in your eye. And… and it could be… cancerous…” Dr. Miri choked out. Daddy didn’t hold back anymore, and started crying louder than I'd ever heard him before. With my heart skipping beats in the worst way I look at my Dad, who had changed positions, now holding himself tightly. My face was hot, and wet with salty tears, and my body was shaking.