I'm Not Crazy, Really

About a week had passed and I was suffering from extreme boredom along with all of my injuries from the incident. The hospital room I was staying in was completely empty of things to do, except for an old black and white TV hanging in the corner of my room. I soon grew tired of watching TV though because all they would let me watch was the news or the boring kid channels. I would often leave the TV on and stare off in space lost in my thoughts. I was still in shock that such a horrible thing happened to me.

Every time my dad came in my room, I sat up and moved as far away from him as I could. He would stand in the corner of my room, glaring at me with his arms crossed. I would fidget uncomfortably while he stared. He would look at the clock about every five minutes, waiting for the time when the next person would watch me to make sure nothing happened. I was still too unstable to be left alone for long periods of time, so my family had a schedule put in place to track who would watch me and when.

My mom barely came to visit me. She sent me one card, but it was store-bought and she hadn’t written anything in it. According to my sisters, she was having a hard time dealing with everything and that it wasn’t my fault. When she did visit me, she didn’t talk to me. In the two times she came, she spoke only three words, “Are you ok?” when I woke up screaming from a nightmare.

Ever since the night my father raped me, I got awful nightmares. I would run and run and run from him. But every time he would catch me and hurt me. Even though he only raped me once, I relived the experience every time I shut my eyes to go to sleep. Sometimes, my subconscious was afraid of what would happen, so it played events that I was worried might happen in the future. One night, I had a dream that he raped me and I screamed for help. But no one ever came. I tried to fight back, but he was more powerful than me. When he was done, he knocked me unconscious and as I watched the scene from behind, he murdered me.

My sisters, Violet and Sam, had shifts to watch me. Most of the cards and flowers in my room had come from Sam, although Violet got me some get well balloons and cards too. They were the only colorful things in the dreary room so I appreciated the gifts. When Violet came, she would talk to me and ask how I was feeling. I could tell she was worried about me, but I lied and told her I was fine. I wasn’t really though, I was scared to death. Whenever I thought about my dad my body would start shaking with fear. I was partially grateful that my dad had lied about what happened, because now I had an excuse that wasn’t so horrible.

I loved it when Sam came to visit me. She would bring flowers or cards every time she came. My room slowly filled with all of her presents. She would ask me how I was feeling, and fill me in on anything I missed. She went to school before she watched me and picked up my homework. She would help me finish it and then she would turn it in the next day so I wouldn’t fall behind. Then she would try to make me happy. She would talk to me and when she could tell I was feeling down, she would distract me. Sometimes she would sing me her favorite song, Somewhere Over the Rainbow, because she knew it relaxed me. Other times she would read me her stories. She was an amazing writer. She even wrote me the most amazing beautiful poem. I knew she cared about me, and she was the only one who did. I loved her, and she was the best big sister I could ever ask for. If it weren’t for her, I don’t know how I would have made it through my life.

One day, while Sam was visiting me, the nurse came in. I had seen her so many times before. She had on her nurse uniform and a nametag that said “Lydia.” She was very nice, and you could see she wasn’t doing her job for the money, she was doing it because she cared about people. She always tried to make sure I was comfortable, and I had grown accustomed to having her take care of me.

“Hey sweetie, how are you feeling?” She asked.

“Good, just really bored.” I replied.

“Yes, there’s not much to do here unfortunately. But you won’t have to worry about that much longer.”

“Why?” I thought she was talking about moving me to another room because I was in a more stable condition. I had a concussion, but I could move around and speak, and I wasn’t disoriented anymore.

“Well, you’re improving very quickly. Much quicker than we expected you to. We think it’s time for you to go back home.”

“Oh..”

“Is something the matter dear?” She looked at me with a questioning face.

“No, it’s fine. I’m fine. When am I going home?”

“Well…” She said. “We are probably going to have you stay one more night, and then release you tomorrow. Just to be sure that you will be ok. But isn’t that great news? You will get to go home and maybe get a welcome back party with cake and presents. And you will get to see all your family and friends, I’m sure they must have missed you. And…”

I zoned out, my gaze fixed on the blank white wall that lay before me. If I went home, I wouldn’t be safe anymore. Here, I was protected by the people surrounding me. My father couldn’t do anything with them watching. But once I got home…I wouldn’t be safe anymore. He might hurt me again. I trembled with fear.

The nurse’s voice brought me back to reality. “Are you ok sweetie? You’re shivering.”

“Yeah, just cold.” I lied. I glanced at my sister and she was looking at me with a puzzled look on her face.

My father entered the room, a few minutes late for his shift. My eyes widened with terror. My sister looked at me, at my father, and then back to me. Something in her eyes told me she understood that I was afraid of him, so she took action.

“Dad, why don’t you go home. I can watch her for a few more hours. I don’t have anything else to do today so I can just stay here.”

He looked at her with a stupid expression on his face. He was probably buzzed. “Uh...ok. Yeah that’s….good plan…I’ll just...uh…yeah.” He was slurring his words. He definitely drank before coming here.

Sam realized he was drunk too. “Let me call you a cab home, ok?”

“But…why?” He asked with an idiotic look on his face.

“Your car is running low on gas and we don’t want you getting stuck on the highway with no gas again.” She said recalling back to the incident where his car broke down at night and she had to go pick him up.

“Oh…yeah….ok I guess.” He mumbled. Sam called a cab and led him out of the room and downstairs to where the car was waiting. She told the driver the address and went back up to my room, holding the car keys so he couldn’t drive.

She stood at the foot of my bed, arms crossed. I knew she was waiting for an explaination. I sighed.

“Amy..” She began. “What’s going on? What happened?” She looked at me with caring eyes. It hurt to lie to her, but I knew I had to.

“Didn’t anyone tell you? I was running in the alleyway and I fell and hit my head which knocked me unconscious.” I lied.

She looked at me, scanning my face for a sign of the truth. “I know you’re lying Amy. Please…tell me what happened. Really. I need to know. Please Amy…I love you.”

I sighed again. “I’m sorry. I can’t. I wish I could but…”

“Don’t be sorry. Just tell me. Why can’t you?”

I broke down and started sobbing. She rushed to my side and wrapped her arms around me. I hugged her back and buried my face in her shoulder, sobbing all over her.

“Shhh…It’s ok sweetie. It’s ok. I’m here. No one can hurt you.” She hugged me tighter.

My tears slowly stopped, and after a few minutes she pulled me away from her and grabbed my shoulders.

“Amy, look at me.”

I lifted my head so our eyes met. She put her hand on my face and brushed away my tears.

“Amy, what happened that night? What really happened?”

I looked down at the ground. “I…I came home, and he was home. And….” I broke down sobbing again.

“Did he hurt you…Did Dad hurt you?”

I nodded and looked back up at her. Tears were starting to form in her eyes.

“I’m sorry. Please don’t cry Sam.”

“It’s ok. It’s not your fault.” She sighed. “How did he hurt you? Tell me everything that happened. Start at the beginning.”

“Ok..I got in a fight at school and I was in trouble.”

She nodded, listening attentively to my story.

“I ran away and hid in the alleyway. But the principal must have called Dad, because he found out what happened. After the sun went down, I started walking home. It was dark when I came into the house. I could smell beer and then I heard him. He grabbed my hands and pulled them up to my neck. Then he grabbed my throat and told me not to scream. He spun me around and ran his hands all over me until he stopped at my waist.” My voice broke, and she held my hand and looked at me with sympathetic eyes.

“And then..?” She asked.

“He…he…”

“It’s ok Amy, take as much time as you need. It’s ok.”

I sighed and tried again. “He thrust out his…you know. So it was touching mine.” I said, embarrassed to be telling my sister the awkward parts of the story. But she didn’t look like she minded, she was just scared and her eyes were wide. She squeezed my hand and closed her eyes like she was in pain. She was in pain, I realized. She cared about me so much, she didn’t want me to get hurt, and it hurt her when I did.

“Go on.” She said, on the verge of breaking out in tears.

“I told him to stop, but he wouldn’t. He dragged me into the bedroom.”

She gasped as she understood where the story was going.

“He threw me on his bed and climbed on top of me. He said he wouldn’t hurt me, but I didn’t believe him. He lifted up my shirt and was kissing my stomach, and then my chest. Then he started taking off my clothes. I tried to cover myself up and stop him. But I couldn’t…He was too strong. Then he started kissing the back of my neck and starting putting his hands on my back.”

Sam’s lips were trembling and she bit them so I wouldn’t notice. She closed her eyes and nodded.

I continued. “I ran away from him, but he trapped me and whipped me with his belt. I knew I had no other choice. So I went back and… he put his hands on my back again and started taking off my bra.”

She turned her head away from me and a tear slid down her face.

“I’m sorry Sam. I don’t mean to hurt you. I’ll stop.”

“No,” She said, “go on. I need to know what happened. Please don’t try to spare my feelings.”

I looked at her for a moment, and then hesitantly continued with my tragic tale. “ He grabbed my chest and then started sucking my neck. He made me take off his pants. I wouldn’t so he slapped me. Then I took them off, and he took off his underwear. He made me look at it…and it was sticking up. He crawled on top of me again and he stripped what was left on me. He spread my legs open and…” I couldn’t finish, but she nodded so I knew she understood.

“Is that everything?” She asked.

“No…” I said reluctantly.

“What else?”

“It hurt so bad… then he forced my mouth open and started kissing me. I tried to kick him off, but he was too heavy. So I bit his tongue as hard as I could. He jumped off and I ran. I ran into the alleyway and he stopped following me there. I stopped to catch my breath and then I tried to sleep. I grabbed one of his big shirts, but it was still cold. I kept waking up, and one time when I woke up, I saw him. He jumped at me and the first time I got away, but the second time I fell and that’s when I hit my head on the brick wall. He climbed on top of me, and I rolled out from under him and tried to run. But he grabbed my ankle and I fell. Everything hurt so bad. He forced himself on me again. I tried to fight back but I had no more strength left in me. I started losing consciousness. And the last thing I remember was him breathing faster and faster until his eyes rolled to the back of his head. And then I blacked out and when I woke up I was here. Before I woke, I heard him talking to me. He said if I ever told anyone, he would kill me. I’m so scared Sam. I don‘t know what to do.”

She pulled me towards her and hugged me again. When she let go, she took hold of my hands and tried to comfort me. “I don’t know what we are going to do. I’m so sorry that this happened to you. We have to stop it and make sure it doesn’t happen again.”

“But he said..”

“I know what he said. I’m not gonna let him hurt you sweetie. You and me can go find a place to stay until he is put somewhere where he can never hurt anyone ever again. I promise I will not let him touch you.”

I hugged her tightly and started sobbing hysterically. My whole body was shaking and sobs escaped my throat. She pulled me up so I was laying in her lap and she sang to me. Her soothing voice stopped the shaking, and soon I drifted off into sleep in her arms.