Back to the Place We Knew Before

I sat on a bar stool with Alex to my left and Jack to my right. I tried to focus all my attention on the ice and fruit Reagan was blending together but I failed. I kept hearing bits and pieces of Braelyn and fucking Finn’s conversation. They were so fucking happy which made me fucking miserable. Every time he would make he laugh I wanted to so badly trade places with one of the ice cubes that was getting ripped a part by spinning blades, that’s how miserable they made me feel.

I noticed after the gift exchange when everyone was mingling that this was the first of many Christmas parties that Brae and I hadn’t matched. My sweater was blue, her dress was red. As gay as it sounds, that made me even more miserable.

I wandered into the kitchen after trying to keep up a conversation with Mikayla, she was just such a bitch anymore and it was impossible to ignore. It was like she was trying to make everyone feel the pain of having a child growing inside of us just because she’s a closet whore who couldn’t handle her alcohol and got knocked up with some guy’s bastard child. I don’t apologize for that either.

Braelyn was arranging cookies on a plate. I watched her move them so they were sorted by color and her preference in shape. This was my chance to talk to her. Finn was in a deep conversation with Rian in the living room and no one else would even try to interrupt.

I struggled to find the right words in order to start a conversation and then finally said “Can I talk to you about something real quick?”

“Sure, what’s up?” she asked with so much ease that it made me sick upon realizing how unaffected she was by my presence. She had the upper hand, I was mess of nerves at the mere thought of having this conversation. Yet there I was, about to talk myself into deeper shit. Adding Braelyn into the equation didn’t help at all. Her eyes were blinding me. Her voice was deafening me. Her scent was drowning me. She was rendering me helpless without even trying.

“Why’d you bring him here?” I blurted out.

“What?” She looked like wanted to stab me. I knew I messed up and that I should shut my mouth but I kept talking.

“Do you have any idea how bad it hurts to see you with him?”

“Do you have any idea how bad it hurts to be dumped on the beach while the sun is going down?” Braelyn asked ripping open an old wound. It felt like shards of glass were flowing through my veins instead of blood.

“Brae,”

“No.” she cut me off before I could say anything. “Don’t you dare try playing the victim, Zack. You wanted this. You told me to see other people. Don’t you dare play the victim.” Braelyn stormed out the kitchen, her heels filled the kitchen with the sound of angry clicks as she left me standing disheartened in my blue sweater.

A few hours later and more than a few drinks later I was drunk. Not falling over, puking in the sink drunk. Just drunk enough to cause all hell to break loose.

“Hey, where have you been all night?” Rian asked when I made my way over to where he and Finn were standing.

“ ‘Round.” I answered glaring at Finn through blurry eyes.

“You’re downright pissed.” Finn commented on my drunken state.

“Fuck you! You don’t know shit about me!”

“Listen, I’m trying my best to get along with you but you’re being a douche and I can’t ignore it anymore.” Finn responded. I lost it. I lost all control as soon as the words left his mouth.

“I’m the douche? What about you! Why aren’t you spending time with Braelyn? You’re not even spending any time with your girlfriend at the fucking Christmas party! You’re the douche and you don’t fucking deserve her!” I shoved Finn backwards.

“This coming from you, the fucker who left her on suicide watch to play rock star.” Finn shoved me back.

I should have stopped. I knew what I was doing was not acceptable, that it would not prove anything to Braelyn. However, I wanted to do it since I saw Finn walk in the door. My fist collided with his cheek twice before he reacted and fought back. I could barely feel his punches when I was so focused on trying to mangle his face beyond repair.

“Hit him! Hit him!” Jack chanted from behind me while Rian pulled me away from Finn. Braelyn ran to Finn’s side and instinctively started to survey the damage. She rushed to his side. Of course she rushed to his side. I lunged toward him again, ready to tear his body apart if I had to. Rian stopped me, he and Alex literally had to drag me outside because I was so angry.

“This is ridiculous! He’s a generally good guy! You should be happy that she found such a good guy that makes her happy. Isn’t that what you wanted?” Rian asked me.

“Yeah, that’s what I wanted before I fully understood how fucking bad it would hurt me to see her happy with someone else!”

“That was your mistake. You’re either going to fix it or you’re going to live with it. Either way, what you just did is going to make it a lot more difficult.” Alex added, he Rian then retreated back inside. I sat on the front steps alone in the freezing cold.

Merry fucking Christmas to me.