Back to the Place We Knew Before

After the whole brawl that broke out at the party I had no interest in seeing Zack ever again. Finn wasn’t giving me any information about the fight. I wanted to know who said what to start this fight.

“Brae, don’t worry about. It’s over, we’re both fine. Just let it go.”

“I can’t.” I whined and fell back on my bed. The party was two days ago and the fight has been on my mind nonstop. I couldn’t figure out who was to blame. Finn had a bad temper. Zack rarely got mad enough to physically fight someone. I just wanted answers. Who wouldn’t want to know why their boyfriend and their ex-boyfriend tried to kill each other?

“Fine. I started it. I commented on how drunk he was and I shoved him when he got in my face. Okay?”

I blinked at Finn. He looked so completely innocent. Like he just rid himself of his guilt. “Okay. Have fun with the guys.” I said, picking at the loose string on my comforter.

Finn and I decided that in order to not ruin our relationship by getting an overdose of each other that we would spend some time without each other. So Finn was going out with the guys. Mikayla was hardcore painting with Reagan, they were painting the babies nursery. Apparently Rian was no good at painting and was told to leave. I was invited but I had seen my fair share of paint while I was at school. Instead, I planned on spending the night at home relaxing.

I was doing just that when I came to realize how bored I was watching TV in my bed. There was absolutely nothing to do at home and I didn’t want to deal with Mikayla at all. I looked at my clock in wasn’t even eight o’clock yet. I rolled onto my side. A picture of Zack and I stared at me from across the room.

My mind instantly jumped back into its old groove of wondering what Zack was doing, who he was with, if he was okay. I realized that I could cure this curiosity if I actually talked to him. I didn’t want to wonder anymore. I just wanted all of the lingering feels of what we used to be to go away. I wanted to be happy with Finn and I couldn’t do that if my mind was stuck on Zack all the things we needed to say to each other.

I jumped off of my bed and grabbed my keys off of my desk, putting the picture of Zack and I face down. I wiped my smudged eyeliner from under my eyes, pinned my bangs out of my eyes, and pulled my ponytail tighter. I was going to do this right now. I was going to squash all hope he has of fixing things. Things had been broken beyond repair.

I was halfway to Zack’s when I realized he might not be home. It was a perfectly good night to be out and about, getting last minutes gifts or spending time with friends. I was on the fence about going through with it. I decided that the next stoplight would determine my future. If it was green, I’d go through. If it was yellow, I’d wait until the next light. If it was red, I’d turn around and go get some food and bring it to Reagan and Mikayla so my trip wouldn’t be a total waste.

I pulled up to the next light. The light was the glowing green. “Fuck.” I said to myself. I had to do it now. The stoplight had spoken.

I parked outside of his house. His car was in the driveway which meant there was fifty percent chance that I would have to have this conversation with Zack. I walked up his front walk slowly, taking deep breaths to calm my growing nerves. The wind blew, the biting cold wind made me sprint to the door in order to escape it.

I knocked on the door, a minute later Zack’s sister pulled the door open and looked at me unsurely. I opened my mouth to ask if he was home but she cut me off. “He’s in his room.” She stepped aside and let me. I took the stairs slowly, kicking myself for coming here. I had no idea how to even start this conversation.

I stood in front of his closed door, listening to the clicking of his keyboard and the occasional mouse click. I knocked twice and waited.

“It’s open.” His mumble was barely audible through the door. I took one last deep breath before I pushed his door open, I couldn’t let him see me nervous.

“Hey.” I greeted standing in his doorway. He was wearing red basketball shorts and nothing more. I stared at him without meaning to, he’d gotten a lot more muscular since he was on tour.

Zack whipped around in his chair to face me. “Hey.” He greeted calmly, pushing his hand through his hair and yawning. I looked at his busted up lip and black eye, something inside of me snapped and reacted like I did upon seeing Finn’s injuries.

“Oh my God! You should have ice on this or something! You can barely open it!” I rambled, practically bolting across the room to examine the injuries further. I reached to tilt his head back so I could see his lip better but he swatted my hand away.

“Don’t.” he said coldly, picking at the dried blood on his lip.

“I just came here to apologize for Finn’s behavior at the party. It was unacceptable and I’m sorry that he reacted the way he did.” I said. Zack just looked at me without any emotion, still picking at his lip. “Yeah, so…sorry.” I said awkwardly and turned to leave.

“You shouldn’t apologize.” Zack called when I was halfway down the hall, heading toward the stairs. I turned around and he was right behind me, his shorts hanging dangerously low on his hips. I had to struggle to keep my eyes on his. “I started it.”

“Why? What’d he do to you?”

“Fuck. Brae, I told you it hurt to see you with him. I lost control; I couldn’t deal with it anymore. It was uncalled for and I’m sorry it upset you but I can’t say that I regret it.”

“We’re over with Zack. Why can’t you just accept it?” I growled and head toward the stairs again.

“Because” Zack grabbed my hand, and stopped me dead in my tracks “we shouldn’t be over. I fucked up, and it’s the worst mistake I’ve ever made and I’d do anything to take it back but I can’t. Please, Braelyn, give me another chance.” I could see Zack’s eyes getting glassy and I didn’t want to see him cry. That’s the last thing I wanted to see. I wanted this to be a clean break from each other. No pain for either of us.

“I have a boyfriend.” I reminded him.

“Fuck!” Zack cursed colliding his fist with the wall, his face red with anger. “I don’t give a fuck, Braelyn. I love you and if you think that you having a boyfriend is going to change that then you’re wrong.” Zack had me trapped against a wall before I could blink.

“Stop trying to make this work. It’s not going to. It never will.” I snapped at him.

“I don’t have to try, it just works and you know it does.” Zack said quietly, brushing some fallen hair off of my face. It was like he froze me, hypnotized me. His face inched closer to mine slowly, and I should have moved because I knew what he was about to do but I didn’t. I just stood there and waited.

Zack’s lips met mine in an innocent, sweet kiss that I didn’t stop which progressed into a rough, lustful kiss that I didn’t stop. I stood pinned against the wall of Zack’s hallway, making out him, without a thought or care. It felt comfortable and familiar even after so long apart it felt right. Zack pulled me into him, and started to walk me backwards toward his room and that’s when I came to my senses. I pulled away from him but his arms stayed wrapped around my waist

“I have a boyfriend.” I reminded him breathlessly.

“That doesn’t mean shit to me.” Zack said into my ear lowly and then kissed my jaw. I blinked at him in shock. I couldn’t believe what I had just done.

“I have to go.” I said. Zack dropped his arms from around me. I picked my keys up off the floor where I had dropped them. I practically ran out of Zack’s house. I cheated on my boyfriend. I cheated on him with my ex-boyfriend. My ex-boyfriend who I had convinced myself was nothing to me anymore.

What did I just do?

How am I going to face Finn after what I just did?