Back to the Place We Knew Before

It was Christmas Eve Eve. Tomorrow it’d be Christmas Eve. The next day would be Christmas and a few days after I’d be holding an infant and telling Mikayla that he was gorgeous even if he wasn’t because that’s just what you do when you hold a baby.

“How was your night?” Reagan asked.

“Good.” I answered. Finn and I went out to eat and then we went to see a movie. The movie was good from what I actually I watched. I was a bit preoccupied with my own thoughts and drama.

“So it’s safe to say that you didn’t tell Finn.” She stated.

I groaned. “How do you tell someone you cheated on them? Because I couldn’t just blurt it out in the middle of dinner or the movie. He’s living here right now, it’ll be so awkward. Plus, I don’t want to ruin our relationship. So I’m just not going to tell him.” I explained quietly, Finn retired to bed about half an hour ago but I didn’t want to chance him hearing. “Besides, it was a one time only thing. It’s not going to happen again.”

“Right.” She responded glancing at the TV with no interest. “So Finn makes you as happy as Zack made you?”

“Not exactly but I was with Zack longer.”

“If I remember correctly, which I do, you acted happier before you and Zack we’re even an actual couple than you do now being with Finn.” She was giving me this look, the kind that she always gave me when she proved me wrong. I hated that look.

“Okay, Zack and I were together for a long ass time and it’s taking sometime get used to being in a relationship with someone else. But I’m happy with Finn.”

“I just don’t want you to stay with him if you’re not happy.”

“I am happy.” I might have lied, I wasn’t happy but I was content. I was positive that once Finn and I were back in New York that he would make me happy, overjoyed even. Having Zack around was just fucking up my thinking.

“Alright, well” she yawned “it’s three in the morning and it’s time for me to go to bed now. Have fun with your insomnia.” She hugged me lazily and left Yoda and I sitting on the couch watching infomercials.

- - -

What I was doing was probably borderline insane. It was almost Christmas but I somehow found myself sitting on the beach at five in the morning. I don’t remember deciding to go there, I don’t even remember getting in the car.

There were only a few patches of snow on the beach. The sand was ice cold, but I sat in it anyway. I didn’t know why I was there or why watching the sun come up over the dull blue water made me feel so empty inside.

If I was happy was happy with Finn why couldn’t I get my mind off Zack?

I didn’t know the answer. Zack was never invading my mind back in New York or even when they came back. After the incident in his hallway, he and Finn had been battling for my mind’s attention.

I had to be insane that morning, I had to be. The wind was so cold that it made my eyes water and my whole body shake under my layers of clothes. I didn’t even think about going back home. I just sat there and listened to crashing waves and seagulls screaming in the distance. I dragged my finger through the sand, drawing a heart mindlessly.

You and Zack used to do this.

I squeezed my eyes shut tightly and hugged my knees to my chest. I tried desperately to will away the memories of Zack and I on that beach.

“Hey.”

Now you’re hearing voices.

“Is everything okay?” I jumped when the hand grasped my shoulder.

Opened my eyes and looked at Zack. “Yeah, I’m fine, everything is fine.” I said slowly and looked back out at the water. It was like something that only happened in movies, and I hated it. I couldn’t escape him. That’s what I needed the most then, just to escape from everyone until I got my thoughts sorted out.

“What are you doing here?” he asked casually, leaning back into the sand.

“I could ask you the same thing.” I shot back, avoiding the question and dropping back into the sand like he did.

“I’m running…like I do every morning. What’s your excuse?” His breathing confirmed this along with the iPod in his hand.

I shrugged my shoulders and turned my head to look at him. My heart almost burst then, the sun was hitting him perfectly and he never looked more appealing. “I don’t know.” I admitted and continued to soak him in.

Neither of us said anything for what felt like eternity but was actually probably about ten minutes. “I miss this.” He almost whispered his warm fingers tangled with frozen ones.

“Zack” I started exhaustedly.

“I know, you have a boyfriend.” He paused. “But I don’t care.” Zack leaned over and kissed me slowly and sweetly. He pulled away, leaving me desperately in need of more of him. “Text me.” Zack whispered before he stood up and resumed his run.

That afternoon when Finn, Rian, Jack, and Alex were being typical men trying to assemble baby furniture without reading the instructions at Mikayla’s house, I was at Zack’s house getting physically reacquainted with my ex-boyfriend.

That was when the ugly cycle of cheating started, it only deepened my confusion and my guilt.