Back to the Place We Knew Before

Christmas came and went uneventfully. My parents gave me and my sister a chunk of money for Christmas along with so jewelry an clothes that I wouldn't wear.

I had no idea whose house were in. It was crowded and loud, it was the typical party that Alex seemed to frequent, which is exactly why I was there. Alex said Mikayla needed one last party before the baby was born so of course the whole group got roped into going to some stranger's house. Half of the group was getting wasted and half of the group was playing Uno on the stranger's kitchen table.

In the midst of the Uno showdown, Finn went off to get drunk. I didn't mind that we barely saw each other anymore, it was better off that way as long as Zack and I continued on the path we were on. It was the end of our fifth game when Zack sat down in the seat Finn recently evacuated. It was the start of our sixth game when Zack's hand caught mine under the table.

I could feel the blood rushing to my face but I tried to act natural. I was paranoid, I was on edge know that Finn could be anywhere. He could see this at a certain angle. He could catch us any second. At the same time, I loved the familiar feel of his hand and sense of security it gave me. It was like nothing could hurt me when I was with him.

My sister sent me that look, the one that say 'I know what you're doing.' Reagan continued with the game not giving even the slightest hint that she knew what we were up to.

"Let me have my day in the sun." Reagan hissed at Rian. They were battling for the win. Reagan placed a blue card down and eyed Rian suspiciously. "Uno."

Rian grinned at the card in his hand. "I win!" he cheered and placed his last card on top of her's.

"Fuck you! You cheat!" Reagan yelled. "I'm never playing this game with you ever again!"

"You can't really cheat at Uno." I pointed out.

"You're supposed to be on my side." I shrugged. "Rematch."

One minute my secret affair is safe with my sister, the next Mikayla drops her phone and sees our hands under the table. "I knew it!" She screamed and pointed at us. "Oh my God!" She laughed, and clapped her hand over her mouth. "I called this!"

"Shh!" I hissed.

"Oh my God! Oh my God!" She clapped her hands and bounced in her chair.

"I think she's gone mental." Finn's voice stopped my heart, in the fearful manner. He laughed lightly and kissed the top of my head. Mikayla giggled until it faded to silence. "You should have just seen Reagan throw a fit because she lost." Mikayla covered flawlessly. I was never more thankful for having a pathological liar as a friend then I was then.

Finn laughed and patted Reagan's shoulder "You'll get 'em next time champ."

"Fucking right I will!" Reagan responded shuffling the deck or cards.

"Want to go outside for bit? It's hard to breathe in here." Finn asked me.

"Yep." I answered, happy to get fresh air. Zack squeezed my hand tighter, keeping it trapped in his. I looked back and tried my best to send him a warning look but his whole face was begging me not to let go. My entire chest clenched painfully at the sight.

"Here, I brought your coat. It's fuckin' freezin' out there." Finn held my coat out to me, as I reached for it Zack dropped my hand. I looked back at Zack, his eyes were focused on his phone, texting. He wasn't that upset obviously.

Finn had his hand around the same one that Zack was just holding on to and it sent a surge of guilt through my entire body. I played it off as my reaction to the winter wind once Finn and I stepped outside. I pulled my fake fur lined hood up over my head in attempt to keep the wind off my face. Finn pulled me into his chest and wrapped me tightly in his arms.

"Thanks for letting me come home with you."

"Thanks for coming with me." I responded.

"Really Braelyn, you don't understand how much it means to me. Your family has treated me better than my own family ever has. I am so grateful that Natalie gave me your number that day, because you're honestly the best thing that's happened to me in a long time." Finn said shivering.

I felt horrible, I was cheating on him and he goes and tells me this. I feel even worse when he kisses me with so much meaning and love because I can't fully return it.

"Cold?" I ask.

"Freezin'." he replied with a laugh. "Want to go back in?"

"You go. I'll be in a few, I want to call my mom and see if she'll be home tonight." I lied, I just wanted to clear my head. Finn nodded and left me alone on the snow covered deck of the strangers house. I sat on the ice cold porch swing and stared straight ahead at some forgotten snow angel.

I heard the back door swing shut and I hoped it was just someone coming out to make a call or to smoke a cigarette. I heard the snow crunching and the familiar sniffle that meant Zack in the cold. He sat next me, not saying a word just swinging front to back on the frozen swing.

"You know I meant everything I said, right? You know that?" I blankly looked at Zack, I had no idea what he was talking about. "On your birthday, at the mall I said that I love you. I'll always love you. You're the only girl I'll ever love...I meant that. And I never want to spend a single minute without, Braelyn. It kills me not to be with you every second." He was completely sober, this wasn't some drunken word vomit. He was actually discussing his feelings without being intoxicated.

I sighed and shook my head, Zack isn't helping. I came out here to clear my head and here he is fogging it up once again. The worst part was, he was wearing the hat I bought him for Christmas.

"What is it about him that makes him so much better than me? Is it his accent?"

"No." I laughed.

"His poetry?"

"No."

"Then what?" His voice was soft, hopeless sounding.

"I don't know, nothing." I answered so frustrated that I could barely form words. I got up, ready to walk away before things got even more tangled but he stopped me. He kissed me slow, like he was looking for something in that kiss. Then he pulled away uncertainly looking so lost.

"Brae, I can't do this anymore." his voice shaking.

"Do what?"

"This. I don't want you sometimes. I want you all the time or I don't want you at all."

"I guess goodbye then..." I nodded and turned away, heading back toward the stranger's house. Hearing him say that felt like being punched in the stomach but I knew that was probably best for both of us.

Next week, I'll be back at school drawing and painting my heart. Next week, he'll still be in Maryland working on his music. Even if I didn't have Finn, it wouldn't work out. We're both living our dreams, we didn't have the time or attention to devote to trying to make a relationship work. No matter how tempting it was, I knew I had to get any optimistic thoughts out of my head because last time I thought we had the time and attention to devote to our relationship I ended up crying myself to sleep for months. I didn't have the strength to go through that again.

"That wasn't the answer I was hoping for." Zack mumbled, causing me to face him once again. "If nothing makes him better than me then why are you choosing him?" I could see his breaths as they hit the air.

"Because, I'm not going to let myself make the same mistake twice. You broke my heart once, I went back. Then you broke it all over again, why wouldn't I choose Finn over you?" Zack blinked at me, his breath hitting the air harder this time. "I go back to school next week, you'll break me for the third time in less than a year. I can't deal with that."

"It would have been three years today." Zack blurted out, shocking me.

"Would have, but it's a meaningless day now." I responded, and watched Zack swallow hard.

Zack dug around in his pocket and then shoved a small black box at me. "Here. Sell it, pawn it. Whatever, just take so I know you'll get some sort use out of it." I watched Zack fade into the black of the night sky, distantly hearing only the snow crunching under his Nike's and the familiar sniffle that meant Zack in the cold.

I flipped open the box, I practically went blind from light bouncing off the silver ring and it's single diamond. The words 'I PROMISE.' were written in black Sharpie on the inside of the box. That's when I stopped breathing, when I realized that he just shoved a promise ring at me.