It Happened On A Hilltop

I love…

Life
Blue
Nathaniel
Day
Night
Stars
Sun
Moon
Mother
Father
Sky
Cloud
Flight
Water
Hills
Me

Though not necessarily in that order.

There was so much blue in the sky that day. So much blue, it overflowed into the ground and the clouds, dying everything a shade darker, a shade more inky, more intense. As if someone has sharpened my focus, brought my eyes into a newer vision. If I could see the air, it would have been blue that day.

Blue as…
Brass
Blue bells
Butterflies
Blue as your beautiful eyes.

Not everything was blue. No, there was green, and brown, maroon, grey, magenta, violet, and yellow. But blue overwhelmed me. It’s linked to so much that I love, that it drowned my vision in itself; every other colour ceased to exist.

The air is blue.
The wind is blue.
The sky is blue.

My skin is blue.
My heart is blue.
My love is blue.

Your hair is blue.
Your laugh is blue.
Your lips are blue.

Our life is blue.
Our future’s blue.
Our living, loving, laughter’s blue.

I want to show you something; it’s a conversation I’ve kept in my head. But don’t think because I’m showing it to you it’s yours. It’s my conversation. Mine and his. Ours.

It happened on a hilltop.

What do you think?
It’s beautiful. Absolutely beautiful.
Isn’t it?
Which lake is that?
It’s the Meer.
Meer…
Can you see the white house, there?
Where?
Nestled between the trees and that cliff face.
There?
Yes…

What do you think?
It’s tiny.
It’s a long way away.
Well, it’s very white.
Anything else?
Nathan, I can hardly see it.
Would you like to see it?
What are you not telling me?
It’s where I was born.
You were born in that tiny house?
It’s really not that tiny!
Oh, okay…

Silence reigned for a while. I walked as near to the edge of the cliff as I dared, kicking off my sandals and lifting my arms to catch the sky, drinking in the liquid blue as it fell from above.

Melody, are you trying to kill yourself?
No, just trying to live.
You’ve got a funny way of showing it.

Memories of my mother.

“Will you carpe diem?” my mother used to ask me, “Will you seize the day?”

I would smile back at her, and dance off without a word.

Nathaniel wrapped his arms around my waist, leaning his head on my cold shoulder, bringing my attention back into what was then the present.

You’re freezing.
I’m fine.
No, you’re cold. But you never notice. You know what you are Melody?
What?
You’re a cloud.
I’ll bear that in mind.
No, I mean it. You’re always cold, always trying to fly, and constantly looking up at the sky as if you should be up there rather than here.
Do I look like a cloud?
Yes.
I look nothing like a cloud.
Yes you do. Your eyes are stormy grey, and your hair is always being thrown about your head… and I swear sometimes you seem to be about to lift off the ground and fly upwards.
You’re just imagining things.
Maybe I am, maybe I’m not. You’re still a cloud.
Shush.

Happy silence remained.

Melody?

Cloud?

See, you’re doing it again.
What?
You’re about to fly away.
Sorry.
The question remains; how do I keep you with me?
I’ll always be here.
Yes, but will you always be with me?
I don’t understand you, Nathan.
Melody. I love you. And I want to be with you for the rest of my life. But I can’t force you to stay with me. Down there is the house in which I was born, which I will inherit when my father dies, and in which I want to bring up my family. And there is only one woman I want to bring up a family with. And that’s you.
I’m not a woman.
You are to me…

Melody?

My thoughts began to reel at a speed previously thought impossible.

Love. Life. Marriage? Children? Nathaniel. Love. Sky. Cloud. Where did I fit in? Melody. Me. Is this right? Is this wrong? Love can’t be wrong. I know I love him. Love. Him. Nathaniel. Children!? Childbirth. Pregnancy. I’d be sooo fat. He wouldn’t love me if I was that fat. He couldn’t. No, he could. Could he? Carpe Diem. Ask him. No! He’d laugh. Well, laughter is good. A relationship is nothing if you can’t laugh at each other.

Would you still love me-
Melody, I will always love you.
Will you still love me when I’m fat from being pregnant?
Of course! Is that all you’re worried about? My not loving you if you get fat?
No, I just-
Melody, I will love you forever. Even if you became larger than a whale, I would love you. If you had ten thousand affairs with other men, I would still love you; although I hope you don’t. If you got cancer and were dying, I would love every last breath of yours. I want to be with you through fatness or thin-ness, through illness and health… wedding vows seem to be written for me, because I’m already wishing them in my head.

So it hits me for the first time.

Of course he loves me. He always will. He always has, in some ways. And I will always love him. No matter how fat or thin, ill or healthy, poor or wealthy, I will love him just the same and more. Because I want to have every part of him, and to give him every part of me.

In answer to my mothers question;

Yes, yes I will.

I’m going to seize today, and I’ll seize it quick. I’ll seize it so hard that everything will turn blue with amazement. ‘I’m feeling blue’ is a stupid phrase. When I feel blue, I feel awesomely, ecstatically full of life. Don’t bring down my blue by tainting it with your moping madness! Use a different colour to describe that.

So here I go.

Carping the diem.

Melody, I’m asking you to marry me. Will you?

Yes.