An Open Book

I attract bad boys. There is the occasional good guy but because of my past, I assume that every boy is the same and I miss my chance for a good healthy relationship.
I never used to be attractive when I was younger but once I grew cleavage and my belly shrunk with exercise, I got the attention I craved for. I admit that when I started to get the boys who had teased me for my weight and looks when we were infants, I enjoyed having them touch me in ways that were illegal for under sixteen year olds. It gave me a sense of power. Like I held all the cards and they would beg me to be in the game.

I was fourteen when I lost my virginity and I still do not regret it to this day because at the time, I was in love with the boy who now holds it forever but what I do regret is the person I became after Alan and I broke-up.

When Alan dumped me, I felt rejected. And being honest what girl doesn’t? To this day I still do not know the reason he dumped me, because as soon as the words left his lips I broke down and refused to let him speak. I didn’t want to know why I was suddenly not good enough for him which more than likely led to my downfall.
I don’t know if many other girls has had the same reaction as I did but I used the advantage all the boys in my year were giving me.

I became a slut. I would wear short skirts to school; I would intentionally wear colourful bras under my shirt and leave a good view of my cleavage. I wasn’t the typical slut though, I never wore fake tan and I never wore a lot of make-up, I refused to degrade myself but I didn’t realize I had already done that.

I had sex in school. I did it anywhere the boys asked me too. I even did it in the school library when everyone was at an assembly. I’m not even sure how I never got caught giving and receiving oral during school classes. But the thrill of knowing I could do whatever I wanted consumed me, leaving me no regard for my own dignity.

I didn’t have many friends, I guess that was my own fault considering I stole most of the girls boyfriends. There was just one girl I was friends with and her name was Amanda, little did she know I had already had amazing rough sex with her boyfriend in the boy’s bathroom before she started dating him.

I was that way until I was sixteen years old. I had about as much sexual experience as the average thirty year old woman. And that did not bother me one bit. Until one day I ended up striking up a conversation with a boy who had been in my classes since first year, I had never spoken to him before because he was never my type. He was fat and had acne and was an appalling dresser. But after almost four years, I finally saw him clearly. He was no longer fat, though he did have a little beef in him; his acne had cleared up, only leaving him with a few minor scars over his face and his dress sense had massively improved.
What surprised me most about Marco was that the whole time we spoke, he never once tried it on with me. At first I thought it was because something was wrong with him but I later found out that he did not want every other good-looking boys’ leavings.

That there was enough for me to clean-up my act. Though no matter how much I changed my appearance and say no to the boys, I was still sexually active and hungry for pleasure. But in the space of six months Marco changed me into someone who had friends and didn’t sleep around for the attention and pleasure she craved.

The day of my seventeenth birthday, I was beaten to a pulp. I cannot say I didn’t deserve it. Marco had a girlfriend and I deliberately dangled myself off to him. We ended up having sex in his car and my god it was the best sex I think I’d ever had. He was so tender with me, he treated me like a lady but the sex was rough, just the way I like it.

Unfortunately, his girlfriend found out. I had been in a fair few fights before but she gave me a run for my money, and handed my ass to me on a silver platter.

I regret the girl I became after Alan broke my heart but I am so grateful for all the experience I gained in those three years. It taught me to say no, it taught me that men do feed you bullshit to get you into bed. And it taught me that sex is an expression of emotions, not a tool to get you what you want. I finally learned my lesson.