An Open Book
Cycling Part Two,
My mental cycling gets worse as i grow older. It takes up half my time. I could probably sit for hours in the same spot and i would be occupied by my thoughts. I sometimes can't fall asleep because i'm thinking, mulling things over. I just don't have an off switch.
Sometimes i think i'm going crazy. I have the weirdest fears. Butterflies, fire dancers, any thing that you swing or can hit me in the face. That asian string and yoyo that they throw in the air. acting out a scary scene. talking in public. sometimes talking to boys. dying while giving birth. suffocating,claustrophobia. every stupid small unharmful thing you can think of, i'm scared of.
That's not the major hint to my crazyness. Sometimes i have these thoughts. I'll wish i had a certain phobia like the fear of people or the fear of women or the fear of touching. Something bad that would make me a "freak" by other people's standards. something that would send me to a psychiatrist or need someone to fix me. It's just a fleeting moment but it happens. then i think of how stupid the idea sounds and try to erase it from my memory but i always remember.
Sometimes i think of having anxiety and panick attacks just because or "crying" in a sad moment so someone could console me. It's crazy and wrong but these thoughts cross my mind.
i've never thought of killing myself so i don't consider my "condition", if you want to call it that, a problem, but i just don't have anyone to talk to. i've always been the good kid. i still am. it's just my parents want me to succeed in life and they're very supportive of me and i love them to death. if i told them about this, i'm afraid of them being disssapointed in me or something. maybe look at me differently. it's hard. my friends can't know because they'd think i was an alien or something. it's discouraging.
i don't know what to do. so i'm telling all of you because i don't physically know you. you can judge me without me ever knowing and it gives me a sort of peace. People always say that others suffer way more then us. i know that but goddamnit i'll be selfish for once. this is bothering me. I'm happy with my life, don't get me wrong. I just wish that was different.
Sometimes i think i'm going crazy. I have the weirdest fears. Butterflies, fire dancers, any thing that you swing or can hit me in the face. That asian string and yoyo that they throw in the air. acting out a scary scene. talking in public. sometimes talking to boys. dying while giving birth. suffocating,claustrophobia. every stupid small unharmful thing you can think of, i'm scared of.
That's not the major hint to my crazyness. Sometimes i have these thoughts. I'll wish i had a certain phobia like the fear of people or the fear of women or the fear of touching. Something bad that would make me a "freak" by other people's standards. something that would send me to a psychiatrist or need someone to fix me. It's just a fleeting moment but it happens. then i think of how stupid the idea sounds and try to erase it from my memory but i always remember.
Sometimes i think of having anxiety and panick attacks just because or "crying" in a sad moment so someone could console me. It's crazy and wrong but these thoughts cross my mind.
i've never thought of killing myself so i don't consider my "condition", if you want to call it that, a problem, but i just don't have anyone to talk to. i've always been the good kid. i still am. it's just my parents want me to succeed in life and they're very supportive of me and i love them to death. if i told them about this, i'm afraid of them being disssapointed in me or something. maybe look at me differently. it's hard. my friends can't know because they'd think i was an alien or something. it's discouraging.
i don't know what to do. so i'm telling all of you because i don't physically know you. you can judge me without me ever knowing and it gives me a sort of peace. People always say that others suffer way more then us. i know that but goddamnit i'll be selfish for once. this is bothering me. I'm happy with my life, don't get me wrong. I just wish that was different.
♠ ♠ ♠
your welcome.i do this to help, you know?