These Black Walls
Letter to Anna
Dear Anna,
I can remember the exact moment I found you, the way you were laying, your facial expression, everything. And there was no look of peace on your features. Your mouth was formed as if you had been screaming, eyes wide in pain, tear stains seeming to be engraved on your face. The eyes were so dull and lifeless; it all but just knocked all life from me. You were lying awkwardly as if you were some gory puppet, clothes rumpled and torn, covered in blood, your blood. You were clutching a knife, the same knife we used to carve our initials on the old tree in the park. I remember crying, collapsing in a heap in the doorway. I remember waiting for you to jump up and laugh, saying it was a joke or to wake up, finding out it was all a dream.
I don’t want to blame you for what you did. I’m trying desperately not to. It was your decision and as a best friend I should respect that.
But I can’t.
I’m selfish, just like everyone else on this pathetic planet. We were each others lifelines, the only thing that kept us from going completely crazy. And then you left me. I’m confused and still in denial. I guess it makes me look back on when we first met, which seemed at the time such a huge step forward for me.
You had just moved to the new orphanage across the street from my house and I saw you alone on the dirty pavement, just sitting there, tears dripping down your face. I was a very timid child, in fact I’m still quite timid, and I was terrified. My conscience was yelling at to get over there and ask what was wrong, but my mind was also yelling at me to continue playing with my friends or run away and hide. But I went over there, and I asked you what was wrong, handing you a tissue. You had wiped your tears and smiled, and I smiled back, sealing my fate forever. We spent the whole afternoon playing and talking, my other friends forgotten. I can’t recall their names now, it was so long ago. Their faces are a blur, but yours is crystal clear. And when it was time to go home we promised each other that we would be best friends forever.
I remember that day, that seemingly insignificant day. Thinking back, my life would have been so different if I hadn’t plucked up enough courage and talked to you, if I had ignored you like everyone else. If I had stopped to think for just one more second, I would not be the person I would be today. I wouldn’t be feeling this pain. I would not be having that heart wrenching feeling every time your name was mentioned, every time I thought of your lifeless body laying there in that pool of blood. The image haunts me; always at the back of my mind in the day, making a grand appearance at night.
Of course if I never met you my life could have been so much worse. I could have been in your place.
I hate to admit it but I sometimes feel so angry with you. You had just left me without warning. You knew my facade was pretty precarious as it was; you were the only thing that was keeping the balance. I hate how I was so dependent on you, although you needed me just as much, but not as much as you put on or I realised. I try not to blame myself, but you know I do anyway. It’s in my nature and can’t be helped. But you always seemed so strong willed and together, the only time I saw you cry was when I first met you and when you broke your arm last year. That memory seems almost surreal, from a completely different era of my life. Not that it was a particularly happy time, but you made it so much easier to forget everything and act as if everything was ok. I guess the pretending just wasn’t enough in the end and I suppose we were just lying to ourselves from start to finish. But lies kept us going, and lies are what I’m left with. Those half truths are following me everywhere I go. It makes this all so much harder.
The memory replays in my mind whenever I am starting to feel slightly better and it knocks me down, leaving feeling empty, and alone. No one seems to notice that you are gone, or that I have changed. That I no longer talk and spend my days in my room in complete darkness, my legs pulled tightly to my chest. It hurts Anna, to know there is no one I can turn to. It gives me a taste of what you had felt and it’s scary, to think emotions can overwhelm me, dictate me, leaving me dizzy and weak. Sometimes I contemplate following in your footsteps, to see if anyone would care enough to save me, to try to stop me. But however tempted I am, I have resolved to not do it. The horror of finding you, my best friend’s body motionless on the floor was something I didn’t want anyone to experience. The guilt does creep up on me, pulling me further into myself but I couldn’t. I know you wanted me to live a proper life.
But my life will never be the same. And I know that everyone says that, in movies and on the television, but it’s true. You had no one. I have no one now too.
I’ll never forget you,
I promise.
From Mia
I can remember the exact moment I found you, the way you were laying, your facial expression, everything. And there was no look of peace on your features. Your mouth was formed as if you had been screaming, eyes wide in pain, tear stains seeming to be engraved on your face. The eyes were so dull and lifeless; it all but just knocked all life from me. You were lying awkwardly as if you were some gory puppet, clothes rumpled and torn, covered in blood, your blood. You were clutching a knife, the same knife we used to carve our initials on the old tree in the park. I remember crying, collapsing in a heap in the doorway. I remember waiting for you to jump up and laugh, saying it was a joke or to wake up, finding out it was all a dream.
I don’t want to blame you for what you did. I’m trying desperately not to. It was your decision and as a best friend I should respect that.
But I can’t.
I’m selfish, just like everyone else on this pathetic planet. We were each others lifelines, the only thing that kept us from going completely crazy. And then you left me. I’m confused and still in denial. I guess it makes me look back on when we first met, which seemed at the time such a huge step forward for me.
You had just moved to the new orphanage across the street from my house and I saw you alone on the dirty pavement, just sitting there, tears dripping down your face. I was a very timid child, in fact I’m still quite timid, and I was terrified. My conscience was yelling at to get over there and ask what was wrong, but my mind was also yelling at me to continue playing with my friends or run away and hide. But I went over there, and I asked you what was wrong, handing you a tissue. You had wiped your tears and smiled, and I smiled back, sealing my fate forever. We spent the whole afternoon playing and talking, my other friends forgotten. I can’t recall their names now, it was so long ago. Their faces are a blur, but yours is crystal clear. And when it was time to go home we promised each other that we would be best friends forever.
I remember that day, that seemingly insignificant day. Thinking back, my life would have been so different if I hadn’t plucked up enough courage and talked to you, if I had ignored you like everyone else. If I had stopped to think for just one more second, I would not be the person I would be today. I wouldn’t be feeling this pain. I would not be having that heart wrenching feeling every time your name was mentioned, every time I thought of your lifeless body laying there in that pool of blood. The image haunts me; always at the back of my mind in the day, making a grand appearance at night.
Of course if I never met you my life could have been so much worse. I could have been in your place.
I hate to admit it but I sometimes feel so angry with you. You had just left me without warning. You knew my facade was pretty precarious as it was; you were the only thing that was keeping the balance. I hate how I was so dependent on you, although you needed me just as much, but not as much as you put on or I realised. I try not to blame myself, but you know I do anyway. It’s in my nature and can’t be helped. But you always seemed so strong willed and together, the only time I saw you cry was when I first met you and when you broke your arm last year. That memory seems almost surreal, from a completely different era of my life. Not that it was a particularly happy time, but you made it so much easier to forget everything and act as if everything was ok. I guess the pretending just wasn’t enough in the end and I suppose we were just lying to ourselves from start to finish. But lies kept us going, and lies are what I’m left with. Those half truths are following me everywhere I go. It makes this all so much harder.
The memory replays in my mind whenever I am starting to feel slightly better and it knocks me down, leaving feeling empty, and alone. No one seems to notice that you are gone, or that I have changed. That I no longer talk and spend my days in my room in complete darkness, my legs pulled tightly to my chest. It hurts Anna, to know there is no one I can turn to. It gives me a taste of what you had felt and it’s scary, to think emotions can overwhelm me, dictate me, leaving me dizzy and weak. Sometimes I contemplate following in your footsteps, to see if anyone would care enough to save me, to try to stop me. But however tempted I am, I have resolved to not do it. The horror of finding you, my best friend’s body motionless on the floor was something I didn’t want anyone to experience. The guilt does creep up on me, pulling me further into myself but I couldn’t. I know you wanted me to live a proper life.
But my life will never be the same. And I know that everyone says that, in movies and on the television, but it’s true. You had no one. I have no one now too.
I’ll never forget you,
I promise.
From Mia
♠ ♠ ♠
.....