I Want This Forever.

You know that feeling? When everything is going too perfectly? You feel like something big is gunna happen. Something explosive, toxic, something that will take almost all of you not to give up? Yah, that feeling. I have it, really bad, right now. And it doesn't help I'm feeling selfish and frustrated right now, either.

Why I'm fristrated? Izzy's been going to the therapist for a month. Yes, I know, that should make me happy. It is, believe me. Deep down I'm happy she's talking to a therapist. But right now, inside, I'm wondering why she won't even talk to me.

She'll come home, I've begun to let her take herself again, and she won't even tell me what she's been talking about. I mean of course I don't expect her to blurt it all out, but she won't even like... I don't know. It just seems weird to me. She's so happy to go to her therapist, two hours a day, five days a week. Ten. Hours. Per. Week. For a month. You can't tell me not to feel somewhat pushed to the back burner.

Josh even noticed his mom's been gone a lot lately. She's made new friends, too, which I guess is good. But she met them at a 'group' therapy session. What mental issues do they have? I don't even know. But I'm not sure we can handle another, more mental version of Jimmy and Izzy around here.

But yeah, back to that bad feeling. Everything's been going too smooth, for the most part, around here. Izzy's always happy, which I'm more than happy about, but at the same time she doesn't talk to me.

I guess what's really bothering me is that she feels more comfortable spilling her personal feelings to some stranger that's being paid to listen to her, than to me. I mean... Shouldn't I be the person she's comfortable telling everything? Because I'm pretty sure... But then again, that's just the selfish part of me speaking. I'm pretty sure I've been there for her more than this Trent guy has. I've seen her cry more, seen more of the pain she's been in... Goddamnit I saw her fuckin' raped for shit's sake! She shouldn't be fucking blabbing to some psychotherapist about her life, she should feel better just by talking to me, or one of the guys or girls for that fucking matter... Damnit. But, whatever, whatever makes her feel better... I guess.



"Brian! I'm hooommee!!"

"I'm in the kitchen!" I called out as Izzy shut the door with her foot, yeah I knew that. That's how she's shut the door for the past month after her therapy sessions.

She bounded in with a smile, her feet gliding over the floor. It took all of me to keep the jealousy down inside. How could she not see this? Or if she did, am I that unaproachable that she won't come talk to me? Her husband?

"How was your day?" She asked, taking Josh from his seat that was clipped to the counter while I made lunch.

"You were only gone for two hours, Iz." I mumbled and shut the fridge, my appetite suddenly gone. I was jealous, and at the same time I was feeling incredibly pathetic. Then again, there was a little bit of doubt in the back of my mind. But I have a feeling that's the jealousy trying to mess with my thinking. But hell, if it was, it was working...

"Oh." She said bluntly, holding Johs in her arms, cradling him "So...."

"Sooo... how was therapy?" I forced the question from my mouth, waiting the cookie cutter answer I'd been given the past month.

She shifted her weight from foot to foot, making me more nervous now "I erm.... About therapy, Brian." She set Josh back in his chair and leaned against the counter, facing me. Her eyes were shifty, avoiding mine.

"What about it?" I asked, crossing my arms. The word douchebag should have been tattoo'd across my forehead right then. I sighed, knowing that if I undid it, she'd reaize something was up. Which wouldn't actually be a bad thing.... But I kept them there, anyways.

"We started a new topic two weeks ago." She mumbled "We're off the ghost thing."

"Oh?" I asked, somewhat interested as to what their new topic was. I mentally slapped myself for my tone. Again douchebag.

"Yeah.. We're on to uhm.. Marriage councelling or whatever they call it.." She muttered and made herself busy with cleaning Josh's clean face, moving her hands to the counter and fussing over it like it was covered in honey and syrup.

"Marriage?" I asked, leaning over the counter and looking close at her "What about marriage?" I asked.

She gulped, you could hear it the room was so quiet. Infact, you could have heard a pin drop from the upstairs bathroom, the room was so quiet right then.

"Our marriage?" I asked as he nodded ever so slightly "What about our marriage do you possibly need to talk to some therapist about?" To sound incredibly childish, my feelings were beyond hurt. That she'd go behind my back and talk to someone, some stranger, about our marrital status, our married life.

"Well..." She stammered a little before collecting her thoughts together "I don't know.. But I think.. We.." She gestured between us "We need counceling."

I let out a loud laugh, stepping back from the counter. Whatever was coming over me right now was far from what we needed if she even had an idea we needed counceling. Which, mind you, we didn't.

"Counceling?" I asked, looking her over "Are you serious, Iz? What's wrong with our marriage that we need 'counceling'?" I asked, using air quoted "All they do is make us argue over things we don't agree on-"

"That's why we need it." She mumbled.

"Why? Because we don't agree on things? Izzy, baby, that's what marriage is all about. To agree to disagree." I sighed "So we don't agree? What don't we agree on, actually, because I'm pretty sure we agree on every-"

"We don't agree on this therapy thing." She stared at me, her hands making their defiant way to her hips. "We don't agree on religion, we don't agree on what car to drive when we go to out together, we don't agree on leaving Josh with Jim and Marie. You don't agree with me talking to Trent about this stuff." She hit the nail on the head, making me wince a little at how acurate she was.

"Iz-"

"No. WE need this, Brian. We need to agree that therapy was good for me, and if you hadn't clammed up and been-" She covered Josh's ears "Been a fucking turtle, and acted pissed whenever I got home from therapy, we'd have been done long ago. I would have been out already."

"So this is my fault now?" I asked, feeling somewhat defensive that she had actualle noticed I was upset and, you know, I'm gunna tell her "You saw I was upset right?" She nodded a little "And you thought "Oh gee wiz, I should talk to my therapist about how my husband is feeling. No, I won't actually ask Brian what's wrong, I'll talk to my therapist and see if he knows." right Iz? Is that what you thought?" I asked, making the flaily hand motions with her thoughts and everything. Causing the douchebag tattoo to be even more realistic.

I could see tears in her eyes "No, Brian... I just-"

"Just what?" I asked, feeling selfish and that it was my turn to build up a wall, and see how she liked having to break it down.

"Just nothing." She bit her lip and picked Josh up.

"Put him down, Iz." I growled "If you're gunna be stupid and leave right now, you aren't taking him. I'm not losing out on another six years because of your stupid emotions. Go, run to fuckin' Trent, see if I care. Y'know, this was supposed to help you. But whatever, I guess things work bass-ackwards."

She set Josh down and kissed his forehead "Do you want me to know what's wrong?" She asked, looking up at me.

"Not now, because I know it's only because Trent told you to ask me."

She nodded "I'm gunna go see Maria... I'll talk to you later, Brian. When you cool down and uhm... stop acting like a total douchebag." She bit her lip and walked out of the kitchen. Josh looked from where Izzy had just been, to me, and made a whimpering noise.

"I know kiddo, daddy screwed up... again." I had all I could do to slam my head on the counter. Instead I sat down on a bar stool next to Josh and rested my head on the counter, closing my eyes as Josh patted away at the counter with his little hands, making slapping noises.

Brian, what the fuck was that?

I don't even know, you wanna tell ME?

Yah, it was the most dickheaded thing ever. But she deserved it, telling someone else what's wrong with you two. Psshht who does she think she IS?

My wife, that's who she is. She's my wife, Isabella, pain in the ass... In a good way.

Yah? Well tell her what you think. She doesn't have to be around here.

Yeah... She doesn't. But what do I do? How do I... I don't want to lose her. I've lost enough already. And I don't want to lose Josh too..

I looked up at Josh and sighed, resuming the conversation with my devil of a conscience.

So? Keep Josh. She took Elizabeth away from you, you lost her for six whole years. I'm sure to do that it took a cold heart. I'm sure Iz could bear losing Josh for the same amount of time.

That's so mean... I know how it felt to have Elizabeth ripped from my life, I wouldn't-

You would, Brian. Do it. Give Iz a taste of her own medicince. Hurt her, for once. Make her know how you were feeling when she took your daughter. The one you two had equal rights to.

Keep Josh, and what? Kick Izzy out? Do you understant how badly everyone will hate me? Do you remember all we've been through? All the shit we worked out? You know, you were fucking there... YOU'RE ME! I groaned a little, causing Josh to turn to me, his baby hands reaching for me.

Yeah, I am you. Maybe I'm the you that you lost, maybe I'm the good part of you. Look at yourself, Brian. What happened? Now you're worried about losing a baby? What is he? What will her know? What happened to the Brian that walked down the beach and scoped women with Zack? The one who didn't remember names, never mind put rings on their fingers and remembered birthdays.

I scoffed That Brian's long gone.

Well I'm right here, ready to come back. It's been a while. Long time no see, old buddy. Are you ready for that again? Can yu handle it?

Pssshtt of course I can handle it. I just don't want to hurt Iz.

That's not handling it. I am ashamed to share the same name, right now. Make your inner Brian happy, make me proud. Ditch the bitch. Ditch the ball and chain, the baby, the ring. Go have fun. You're twenty-four for shit sake, go live it up.

"Yeah.." I mumbled and looked around, letting my mind take over "I'm going out tonight."

I rummaged through the drawers of the counter and found a phone book, looking up a babysitting service for Josh.

Brian, what the fuck are you doing?!

I brushed the good conscience off "I'm living my life, that's what." I mumbled and picked up the phone.