I've Realized Now I'll Never Become Anything

Peacefulness is a quality that is savored in every moment that it comes around. It's rare in the household he resides in but making the best of the short amount of time that we have to be tranquil and calm makes these moments to be the most memorable. It creates blocks of wishful thinking to have calmness act as permanent as it can be.

His chest would rise and fall slowly when he was relaxed; his breathily sighs showed how comfortable he was at the moment. This was how everyone around him wanted him to be at every waking moment. Nobody wanted him to hurt himself when things didn't go as he pleased. Everybody wanted him to be sober and as normal as he could possibly be and not how he was on a daily basis.

His long arms stretched around my body, holding me tightly and seeming happy. We laid on the couch together, allowing me to rest my head on his chest and his on a throw pillow being propped up by the arm rest. His blue eyes lazily watched the television screen, breathing in deeply and letting it out slowly. It was a nice environment to be settled in, especially after the long week he's endured.

Countless times during this week he's gone out by himself. Coming home late at night, he'd scream and yell, and pull at his hair. On Monday, he reopened his wound on his right knuckle from punching a hole in the bathroom wall at four in the morning. He said he was upset because of the choices he had to make that day, but I say it was whatever he had been on that night.

He commenced to play with my fingers, catching me off guard during an old episode of The Office; a marathon had been on all day and he insisted on us watching it together. He'd hold my hand, then let go and make my fingers dance with his before lacing our hands together and sing a little tune as he let go again to fiddle with them, and each time he would glance down at my face he'd smile.

"What are you doing?" I ask Craig in a whisper, keeping a smile on my face as I glanced up to stare in his eyes.

Craig looked down, putting on his lazy smile as he separated my fingers. "I love you," he whispered back in response.

"I love you, too." Craig leaned down and gently pressed his lips against mine. He kissed me delicately; it was in a way that he hasn't kissed me in such a long time. This was his old self where on the days he knew he could just stay at home, sit around and do nothing and not have to shave for a few days. These were the days like back in Flint , before everything started to get out of hand. Before he wanted nothing more than to move. Everything that Craigery does, it just brings him down; Rochester Hills isn't the place for him. He knows he needs to be closer to his band, and especially to his mother. Even though it's only an hour away, that time and distance makes a difference. It makes a difference where he's not in an environment that he's familiar with. Though he's familiar to Flint , Craig freaks out if he's in one place for too long. He can't handle it there, and though it may be the worst, it's the best for his sanity.

He pulled away, his blue eyes staring into my green ones. The hand that was playing with my fingers placed itself on my cheek. I leaned into his touch; the slightly rough skin on mine tingled, for the real Craigery Owens was lying down with me. He traced my lips with his thumb, kissing my nose softly. I lightly giggled at the feeling; his scruff on his chin tickled.

"What?" he asked with his soft voice as his lips rose in a smile.

I shook my head. "Your hairs on your chin, they tickle sometimes."

"You’re too cute, Penny." Craig kissed my lips lightly. "It's you and me tonight. To ourselves. No going anywhere, and no one coming over. Okay?" his eyes lit up; it was the brightest blue that I've ever seen be given off from them.

The rain poured loudly as the wind blew it against the window. "Craig..." I sat up with a confused expression.

"What?" he chuckled unconvincingly. "You don't like the idea?" And at that point, the doorbell echoed around the premise.

Craig got up angrily, throwing the pillow back on the couch to have it bounce on the floor. His anger rose quickly as his thin body headed to the front door; he'd look back with those eyes that were filled with nothing but trouble. The knocking continued as he flicked on the light, picking something off the kitchen table and popping it in his mouth before resting his hand on the knob. He took in a deep breath and shook his head before opening the door.

"Oh God, it's so fucking cold out there." Jason walked in with Matt and Derrick. "It's the next hurricane or something." Jason shook his jacket and droplets of rain hit the floor.

The look on Craig's face hit like a thousand knives. He was ready to erupt and ready to leave. He tried holding in his anger; the veins in his neck began to bulge. His fists balled up and I desperately prayed he would not throw any punches. Derrick and Matt made their way inside, only creating him to boil with even more anger. Standing up, I slowly made my way to Craig in hopes to calm him down, but he put out his hand, signaling me to stop.

"What are you guys doing here?" he said through gritted teeth.

"Don't you remember?" Derrick wondered, shaking his jacket. Craig stared at me, his eyebrows furrowed. "We're supposed to meet Bradley and Pat at the studio to help put finishing touches on the record. We agreed that today would be good."

"No, no! I said I couldn't make anything for a while. I need a break; I can't take this anymore!" he yelled, pulling the side of his dirty blonde hair.

"We have to get this done, Craig," Matt understood that Craigery was about to lash out, making him speak softly.

"Find somebody else to fucking do it! I can't do this anymore!" he repeated, quickly grabbing the keys and his jacket and walking passed the boys and out of the apartment.

I, too, rushed passed Jason, Matt, and Derrick attempting to get Craig to come back. The rain poured down and muffled my cries for him; Craig ignored, only allowing me to try harder for him. But catching up and grabbing his wrist, he shook me off. The animosity in his eyes stung deep down inside. The rain drenching his hair, running down created those demons to burst.

"Go inside, Penelope! Right now!" he roared in front of his car. I shook my head, the cold making my teeth chatter. "Penelope, please! Just go!"

"Craig, you don't have to leave," I cried. "Just come back, it's dangerous for you to be out here. You don't have to do this, Craigery, please."

"It's more dangerous being inside in that house," he stepped closer and hovered over me. "You don't understand, Penny, you don't!" he spat. "I have to go." He turned around but I grabbed his arm again.

"I'm trying to understand, Craig, I'm trying! Help me understand!" He shook his head, turning his back to me. "I love you!" He completely ignored me again, entering his car and peeling off into the darkness.

I cried; I fell to the wet ground and sobbed. Fear ran through my veins like waterfalls. The weather was extremely awful to drive in as fast as he was out of the condominium parking lot. Terrible thoughts began to swarm my mind. Craig shouldn't be alone right now. He needs someone with him; he needs me to be there for him. Knowledge of what he'd do with himself made my tears flow much faster than before. I couldn't imagine what could possibly happen to Craigery in this condition and his current state of mind.

Feeling the rain stop pouring down on me and a hand on my shoulder caused me to flinch. "C'mon, Pen, let's get you inside." Jason cooed, helping me up off the ground. "Derrick and Matt are going to go out and look for him, okay?" he looked me in the eyes as he spoke.

Right then, I just broke down. Hugging Jason was the only thing I could possibly do. He comforted me, stroking my drenched hair and whispering words in my ear that slowly eased away my tears. Sighing heavily, I pulled away and looked at him. His smile made my worries slowly diminish as he wiped away my wet cheeks and kissed my damp forehead.

"Craig's going to be alright. He needs some time to find himself. Don't worry, okay? We'll get him back." I nodded as Jason slipped his arm around my shoulders. "Let's get you inside."

Time passed by slowly. Signs of Craig ever showing up did not look to be on my side. Hours had gone with not yet one word from him, Derrick, or Matt. Jason long since fell asleep on the couch Craig and I were lying on before his blow out. Signs of me sleeping, too, weren't looking good either. The digital clock on the nightstand in front of me blinked '12:09'; I remembered the power went out two hours ago, and just came back on was the cause.

A faint sound coming from the family room caught my attention rather quickly. Though I didn't move at all, I heard the front door open, praying that it was Craig, or Craig, Matt, and Derrick together. I hoped it wasn't just Matt or Derrick using the spare key, but a single pair of footsteps told me it was either of the three. A grunt sounded, it being Jason, and not a sound of screaming or yelling at that point never erupted; I knew it wasn't Craigery.

I held my breath and closed my eyes as the bedroom door slowly creaked open. Peeking through my eyelids, I saw a tall, skinny silhouette with ruffled hair casting along the wall. He stood there for moments, what seemed as though he was either looking down at his feet, or staring at my frame. He cleared his throat, and it sounded so familiar that I just had let him know I was awake.

I sat up and saw Craig, stripping out of his clothes, leaving his blue boxers on. "Craigery?"

His head shot in my direction with a sympathetic look. He wiped his eyes before making his way to the bed. Craig wrapped his arms around me after he crawled on his side and buried his head in the crook of my neck as I did the same to his and I started to cry.

"I'm so sorry Penelope," Craig sounded sober; his wet hair drenched my tank top strap. "I wasn't thinking; I'm so sorry." He caressed my back, rubbing the skin under my shirt. "I'm here now. I'm okay."

"I know, I know." I sobbed. "I'm just so happy you're alright. I don't know what I would do without you."

"Honey, it's me. I need you; I can't lose you. But you'd be better off without me," he whispered.

"Don't say that. Don't ever say that. I'm happy with you," I pulled away and placed my hand on his cheek. "I just want you better. And I'll do anything, anything at all to help you, Craigery. Because I love you," I whispered.

"I love you, too," he whispered and hugged me. "And I need your help." he spoke inaudibly.