I've Realized Now I'll Never Become Anything

Perfection. It’s not something that is exactly real because nothing is perfect; nothing in this world could be truly described in that specific way. But if someone asked me how the passed three weeks have been, my answer would be: perfect, absolutely perfect.

He’s been amazing for the duration he’s been home. Nothing could bring down his spirits because he was how he used to be before everything in his life became unbearable. This was the man that I first met; someone who lived everyday as if it was their last, and who put others before himself. This was who I knew all along; it was the man who held my heart, and who would forever keep it.

This was the real Craigery Michael Owens.

Every waking moment he’d be wearing that beautiful smile I adored and it allowed me to comprehend he was going to be okay in the long run. And that’s all I could ever want. All I want in life is for Craigery to be happy because he deserves the best. He deserves to experience the happiness everyone else around him has.

Now that I knew tour was inching closer, I could tell he was becoming even more ecstatic. His face and his actions simply proved that he wanted this tour to come more than anything else in the world. And even if that meant us being apart for God knows how long, I wanted it as well. Only for the simple fact that Craig wanted this and I want what he wants.

He held me close to his body; the warmth of his thin frame radiated through his clothing and warmed me up even if the air around us was quite chilly. Craig’s heartbeat pulsed at a steady pace, allowing the feeling of tranquility to settle in. My head would rise and fall with every breath he took and he would occasionally give me a small squeeze. We were comfortable with each other, with everything in general, and moments like these are what make me wish for some miracle where time would stand still.

The feeling of comfort only increased when Craigery commenced to stroke my hair and kiss my forehead; I closed my eyes and took in a deep breath enjoying this time I had with him.

“I can’t even begin to describe how much I love you, Penelope,” Craig’s soft voice spoke in a whisper against my forehead before gently placing another kiss in the same spot. “I just need to know that you understand how much I care for you.”

Lifting my head up to look at into his eyes, I wondered why he was talking like this. “I know, Craig. I understand.”

“You promise?” his eyes glistened with the moonlight.

“I promise,” I lifted my head some more to kiss his lips. “I love you, too.”

A small, sleepy smile formed along his features as he pulled me closer to his body. “We should go to sleep,” he said, bringing the blanket we shared higher, stopping when it reached my chin, “we have a long day tomorrow.” I nodded and rested my head on the crook of his neck. “Goodnight, Penelope.”

“Goodnight, Craigery,” I whispered, shutting my eyes and slowly allowing myself to drift off into a peaceful slumber.

The bright morning sun seeped through the blinds of the bedroom, waking me up from my sleep. I retracted my arm that hung over the edge of the bed, rubbing the sleep from my eyes. A smile formed across my face as I turned towards Craig’s side of the bed, but it quickly faded when I realized I was alone. Sitting up, I glanced around the room and towards the bathroom connected only to find it empty.

I let a sigh depart when I swung my legs around to get out of bed and I made my way out of the bedroom. Everything was quiet; the only sounds I could hear were the few birds outside in the trees chirping loudly. Craigery was nowhere to be found inside the apartment, and I even checked out the window to see if he was out at the pond, yet he still wasn’t there. Heading towards the kitchen, I noticed a piece of paper on the refrigerator with Craig’s handwriting scribbled on held by the magnet with a picture of us together at Lake Michigan. Taking the paper off carefully, I started to read it.

Penelope,
From reading this, you’ve probably noticed that I’m nowhere in the apartment, and my luggage is gone.

I quickly glanced at the front door with my heart pounding in my chest and saw his packed belongings no longer there.

I know I should have woken you up, but you looked too peaceful and beautiful sleeping. I’m really sorry I left like this, but we’ve left for tour this morning around five thirty. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me for just leaving like this; I really, truly am sorry.

Just keep in mind, Penny, that I do love you. You’re the best thing that has ever happened to me; you must know, and understand, that. I’ll be seeing you.

With love,
Craigery

My eyes swelled with tears in the middle of the note. Craigery didn’t say bye and I felt hurt. I never expected him to leave like that. Taking in deep breaths helped me contain myself for the most part as I picked up the phone and dialed his cell phone number. A few tears trickled down my now rosy cheeks as it just rang and rang until his voicemail picked up. My voice wouldn’t even come out at that point; I hung up the phone and dialed another number.

After a few rings and my voice was back, he picked up. “Hello?”

“Matt? Hey, it’s Penny.” I took in more breaths to hide any evidence of how upset I was.

“Hey Pen! What’s going on?” he asked with a smile evident in his voice. I could hear voices in the background.

“Nothing much. I was just wondering, is Craig around?” I asked, chewing on the side of my thumb with my heart still pounding.

“Nope. I haven’t seen him since last week,” Matt replied.

“Oh, ok- wait, last week? What to you mean last week?” Confusion got the best of me at that point, and I needed to use the kitchen counter to regain composure.

“Yeah, you know when we had that barbecue at my house?”

“I don’t understand; you guys left for tour this morning.” My breathing unsteadied and I suddenly became concerned.

“No,” he held the “o” sound for a moment. “We don’t leave for tour until the end of September, Penny.”

“But, but Craig left a note saying you guys left,” my voice cracked as tears fell from my eyes.

“I’m sorry to say this, but we’re still home.” His voice softened. “I’ll try to get a hold of him for you; everything’s going to be okay.” I nodded my head even if he couldn’t see and mumbled a “bye” before hanging up.

Nothing could hold back my sobs. I couldn’t understand why he would leave like this. Leaving without telling me was bad enough, but lying about it made everything worse; my mind raced with all the possibilities of why he just left, but all thoughts were negative, and not making me feel any better.

The phone ringing in my hands startled me but I was quick to answer. “Hello?” my voice cracked again.

“Penelope-“

“Craig, where are you?” I asked frantically. “Why did you lie to me?” I was nearly hysterical.

“Penny, please understand that this is going to be for the best.” He said.

“Craigery how is this for the best? I don’t get it! You still being here before tour is what’s best. How can you not see that?” I slid down on the counter, leaning against it as I brought my knees to my chest.

“Please don’t cry, sweetie. It’s making my decision much harder than it already is.” His voice was filled with disappointment.

“Then why’d you leave me?” I whispered, resting my throbbing head atop my knees.

“Sometimes you love someone so much, the only way to keep them protected is to stay away from them,” his voice turned into a whisper as well.

“It makes no sense, Craig.”

“I love you too much to put you through all of this pain. You deserve more than taking care of me, and making sure I’m not going to do anything stupid anymore.”

“But, Craig, I want to do that. I choose to. You mean more to me than anything. I love you, Craig. Isn’t that enough?” I cried harder.

“I love you, too, Penny, but this is for the better. I keep telling you everything is going to be okay. And everything will be better for you now that I’m not there to be a burden.” My head shook as I continued to cry. Both ends of the phone were silent for a few moments. “I love you, Penelope Ann.”

“I love you, too Craigery Michael.” I sniffled and wiped my nose. “Just please, come back.”

“I can’t. You’ll be fine.” He whispered. “I’m so sorry it has to be like this, but it is for the best. I love you.”

“I love you, too,” I sobbed.

And just like that, Craigery Owens walked out of my life. Nothing would ever be the same without him. He came back to me once, but this time, it doesn’t seem like he’ll ever be back. There was nothing I could do about it; it was his decision to try and better things for me without even realizing the only way this could be better, was if he was here.

His words continued to ring in my head. Tomorrow we’ll be fine.