Broken Stars.

Shawn claimed I was pathetic last night, and in the mopey stupid fit I was having I decided I'd give him pathetic. I wouldn't have gone out and gotten the needles and drugs, but I was sure considering it. But of course when I moved the dresser I saw a bag, a long forgotten bag of everything I 'needed'. I let anger and sadness take over me for a brief moment, and ended up digging myself into an even deeper pathetic hole.

He didn't notice though, he really had no idea! I had to wake up early to throw away the mess I had left behind, but even if he did wake up, there was no way in hell he'd find out. God I'm pathetic.

------

"Austin?" Shawn called from the kitchen. I made him breakfast earlier, and left him so I could take a shower. The mark on my arm was tiny, but out of caution I hid it with makeup.

"Yeah babe?" I hurried around the room trying to get dressed. I've been up here an awfully long time.

"I need to talk to you when you're done." Shit shit shit.... Did I say there was no way in hell he could find out? I'm pretty damn sure there wasn't, but he could have woken up... Or he could have known all along. Shit!

My heart was racing a million miles per second as I made my way downstairs, but slowed down as soon as I saw Shawn smiling.

I took the seat next to him and propped my head up against my hand. "What's on your mind?"

"That rally... I'm still going." I felt my face sink, but I kept my cool. I hated the thought of him being alone with Steven, but I honestly would rather shoot myself in the foot then go to one of those 'Free the trees' campaigns. "I'll only be gone a week."

"What about school?" The one thing he really shouldn't miss is school. We have a week or so until our next break, but even that's only a few days long.

"I called up my bio teacher and asked him if I could go for extra credit... He agreed to talk to the principal about it, but he said either way he'd sign me a pass." I let a nod be my response and stood up from the table.

"Austin-"

"No no, do what you want. You're going to anyways." I said, cutting him off from whatever he was about to say. I didn't want to be an ass this time, because I figure if he can do what he wants too... Then I sure as hell could too.

"Could you be a little supportive? I mean you don't have to give me your blessing, but at least let me know that I'll have a home and a boyfriend to come home to afterwords."

"You know I love you Shawn," I sighed. "With out a doubt in the world; I love you. I just hate having to share you. I'll get over it though, one way or another." He pulled me into a hug and ran his hand up and down my back in a comforting way. I was livid that he was leaving, but the solitude was actually the only thing I could focus on right now. I'd be alone, for a week. And though it was my first time in a year since I filled my body with that addicting toxic liquid, my body still craved it.

I don't want to go back, because I don't want to repulse Shawn again. I don't want to go back, because I don't want to hurt him or Jaide again. I do want to go back, because I'm tired. I'm tired of trying to be perfect, and being a pathetic drug addict was the only thing that actually made me want to see another day... Of course that was until Shawn came along, but he's leaving me now. Leaving me with Steven. I can't even imagine what will happen between them. I don't want to imagine what will happen between them, but I know I will each time I even think of their names, and it's going to kill me.

So is suppressing that image so bad if it will ultimately help me along the way? I had no one to ask, no one to go to for advice, because ultimately they'd end up ratting me out. That's not a bad thing, no. But I don't want Shawn to feel like he has to watch me, and that I'm more pathetic then I lead on to be.

It wasn't like I was trying to overdose either. So I guess it wasn't so bad, and I'm not going to use my mothers money to get it. Just like I did before, if I want that shit, I have to work for it. I refuse to let other people pay for my addiction.

Shawn ran upstairs right after our hug and started to pack. Apparently he's leaving tomorrow and he'll be back Sunday.

I sat downstairs in a self loathing heap until I felt man enough to actually go help the love of my life get ready to leave me. Sure I may be exaggerating, and sure I really have nothing to honestly worry about when it comes to Shawn being faithful, but it still sucks to know that there might be a chance that I'll lose him. No one sees those looks Steven shoots him like I do, and Shawn's basically at his hip twenty-four seven. I really do miss when he was like that with me. Maybe it's just my worn out mind, but do you think Shawn could be growing bored with me?

God I hope not.