On Day, You'll Read This

I have alot I want to say to you. I want you to listen to what I have to say and actually think about it.

First off, you hurt me in a way that is indescribable; after the fact you said you would never hurt me. What a fucking lie. You're liar, a horrible person. You will never experience what you put me through. I hope that's what you wanted because you sure as hell got it. You may not care how I feel, but that just shows me how much I meant to you... which was obviously nothing.

Which to me, you were my everything. When I first said "I love you" I meant it. Remember Justin I wasn't the first one to say it. I can clearly remember it when you said it. We were walking outside, going to Kevin's house. Our fingers were interlocked with eachother's. The first snowfall was that night, little white puff balls falling in the night sky. We stopped at a corner, and you turned to me; with your eyes. You looked at me, with a little smile and you said those three words that still haunt me to this day. You were the one to say "I love you" first. But the funny thing is, I was the one that meant it every goddamn time I said it, and I hate to say I still mean it. You were the guy I fell inlove with, and no matter what happens you will always be the guy that I am inlove with. I'm unlike every other girl you've met Justin, don't deny it. You knew I meant it when I told you that. It's a strong word; shouldn't be used lightly.

I know what your thinking, "Em, You are like every dumbass girl I've met." But no Justin, you're wrong; Look at me And Really deeply look. Yeah, I look like another one of those typical teenage girls, but Justin you have to look more than just the outside of the person. Look in the soul. I know I am not perfect. To be human, you must have flaws and imperfections. Everyone makes mistakes, you just need to learn to forgive people. If you are not willing to do that, then you are constantly going to get disappointed.

Justin, I'm going to be dead honest and serious with this. You need to listen to every word I say, even if you don't like what you hear. Suck It Up.

With every fight we have, a little part of me wants to die. If we keep this up Justin, you're going to kill me. I'm loosing the battle. I'm not like you, I'm just some little toy soldier. I can't move on; I may be a lover but I'm also a fighter. I fight for what I believe in, and what I believe in is Us. Me + You= Us. I love you with all my heart. I know there is never going to be "Us" ever again, and I have accepted that. I know you don't want anything to do with me, other get yourself worked up for a good argument.

God I hate this so much JT. I hate this so much. If only you could see the tears I cry at night. If only you could hear the thoughts that went through my head. Then you'd understand.

It's going to take me forever to get over you; if that's even possible.

You were the one to make me happy like no one else could. Before you came, I have forgotten what it felt like to be truly, sincerely Happy. I was a lost soul, and when I met you; I was Home. You were the only that could make me honestly smile just when I was thinking about you. You know how you would always tickle me? Well that always brought a toothy smile to my face and a true laugh. I loved it.. even if I always told you to stop. You knew the right things to say to me when I was having one of my "emotional" moments. You were there for me; "Em, Can I be honest with you? I don't like seeing you like this."
If you don't like seeing me like this, then why did you do this to me? Why did you hurt me like this? Why are you slowly killing me, with every insult the flies out of your mouth?

It brings tears to my eyes, just knowing that I lost the best thing to ever happen to me. It hurts knowing that I wasn't good enough for you, that you let one little mistake from me ruin this. I will never be able to prove to you how much you meant to me; I still dream about what we could've been. If I had a wish, I would wish for that dream to come true; for us to be how it used to be.

The late night phone calls, the kissing fights, you tickling me, the way you looked at me, held me, kissed me, thought of me. Just everything how it used to be; how it's suppose to be. That was my heaven, in your arms; my safe place, my special spot, the place I felt like I belonged in. I was right where I needed to be.

And since that is gone, what is my purpose on here anymore? If I cannot have you, if you cannot love me. What am I suppose to do? There is no way I will be able to love anyone else as much as I loved you.

I stay awake at night, with fresh tears in my eyes and wonder; "Was this how it was suppose to end? Or was this just a misconception and we are suppose to try again?" I don't even know what to think anymore. My head races with thoughts, and all of them have something to do about you.

Think back, to how everything was. How we were, how we thought, how we looked in other people's eyes, how we talked, how we did everything together, and how we kissed. Think back to that; and tell me Is this how you wanted it to end?

This is the last time I'm writing to you... hopefully.

I cannot get you off of my mind. You are the one that's on it all day and every day. I hate it. I absolutely hate it. Why can't you leave my mind like you left me? Do you think about me as much as I think about you? Do you remember all of our good times, the great memories? Or about how you think I am a fuck up, a disappointment in life and how you "hate" me?

I have no idea how I can miss a person like you. People question every time I say "I miss Justin" They look at me like I am stupid. They tell me I don't deserve you and the shit you say to me. They say I should just move on and forget you ever were in my life. But remember what I told you; I will never ever forget you.. or want you out of my life.

You are such a horrible, HORRIBLE person. How can you live after what you said to me? How can you not feel bad for saying such fucking bullshit? I just don't get it. After all the times you said "I love you" and that I was your everything, you turn around and do this to me.

Did it hurt losing me? Was I actually something to you, like you said I was? Are you hiding the fact that you didn't want to lose me, and know that you still love me? I hope karma bites you in the ass. You deserve it. You have no idea how much fucking pain you are putting me through. I wanted us to be something. I thought we were going to last. I was taking things seriously, I took this for granted.

In your eyes I was just another dumbass girl and you honestly did not care. I know I am not what you consider perfect, I was never close to perfect. I make mistakes and learn from them. I didn't use your mistakes and flaws against you. I accepted them and I loved you for what you were; flaws included. I fell for you hard.

Why can't you accept my mistakes and imperfections?

You will never ever find someone like me again Justin, I hope you know that. I was one of the only girls that truly loved you and cared for you. I may bitch, cry, make mistakes, and hurt; but I am NOT afraid to admit it. That just shows how strong I really am. A girl who wears her now broken heart on her sleeve.

I want you to regret everything you ever said to me. I want to make you feel guilty. I want you to miss me, cry for me, I want you to realize how much you fucked up. I want you to realize how bad of person you were to me and regret every goddamn second of it. You are so blinded by the fact you THINK your better that you can't see what type of girl you let go.

I was real, I was human to you Justin. With everything I ever did or said to you; it was the truth. Even when we did fight. Did you really mean it wen you said you "loved" me? Did you really go around braggin' to all your friends about me when you had me? You going to do that with other girls anymore?

You shouldn't be proud of what you did to me. It make take sometime for it to process through your brain, but one day you will come to know I ALWAYS right. Change yourself Justin. You really need a fucking reality check and look at yourself in other people's eyes. I bet you'd be very surprised. Keep thinking your number and always right, I hope you know your lying to yourself. Big time.

How much you want to bet I was one of the only girls that had true feelings for you, and who would've never given up on you? I am a girl who still loves and cares for a ignorant bastard. Even though I have EVERY right to hate you.. I don't. I never will.

Answer this honestly, Why do you hate me? Why did you give up on this? Don't give me a lame ass excuse like 'I bitch too much' or 'I like to fuck things up.' Give me the real goddamn reason. I am sick of hearing all these excuses and lies. I want the facts, the reasons. I bet you can't even come up with a true fact. With that, it would just prove to me that you are hiding your true feelings and trying to make yourself feel better by talking shit.

You don't have to be something your not JT. Fuck the people who care about what you really are. Unless the jackass self is the 'real' you; then I suggest you to change. No one is going to put up with bullshit forever; and that's what you are full of.

You know I wasn't a waste of time. You know that you had fun and I bet deep, deep, deep, DEEP down inside you miss it and love me. As I said, stop telling yourself such horrible lies. Accept the truth. Face it. Admit you were wrong.

I forgive you for everything you put me through; but I will never forget it.

Forever Yours;

- Em.