Invisible

Another month dragged on, I refuse to listen anymore on my case or visit anyone. The only person I’ve been watching closely is Jeremy. All I see him do is cry and cry into Carol’s shoulder, Maggie’s been there a few times, so has his mother. When Carol told him what happened, she broke down too.

One night, Jeremy woke up sweating and panting loudly, then he covered his face with his hands and screamed into them. It was the worst sound ever. When his mom came rushing in all he did was collapse in her arms.

“Baby….Lindsey.” He whispered.

“Shh. Don’t say anymore.” His mother soothed.

I watched his mother lay next to him and play with his hair until he fell asleep again. When his eyes closed shut, she kissed his forehead and wiped away her tears as she closed his bed room door. Since then, Jeremy refuses to close his eyes. He stares out the window, or goes for a long walk, sometimes he’ll stay on the phone talking to Carol. Telling her about his horrid dreams.

Tonight, Jeremy was walking in the park. I walked beside him, twining my fingers through his. Even though I couldn’t feel his hand, I could almost feel the warmth of his palm against mine. I starred at his eyes, the dark circles etched into his skin, the scruff along his jaw line, his hair a little longer than before. Jeremy was a mess. We continued to stroll the night in silence. Jeremy walked by the cemetery, but didn’t even glance at it. Neither did I.

The next morning Jeremy’s iPhone started ringing. The screen said Roger.

With a sigh he answered, “Hello?” I cringed at the sound of his voice. He sounded so….dead. Jeremy pressed the speaker phone button and continued to walk around his room.

“Hey man, what you up too?”

“Not a lot. You?” Jeremy paced in front of me.

“Well, I’m pulling into your neighborhood. Thought we could hang out for a bit.”

Jeremy groaned, “Sure. Whatever.”

“Alright. See ya.”

“Sure.”

Jeremy ended the call and threw his phone on the bed. He stormed out of his room and into his mothers.

“Don’t you understand that all I want is to be alone?!” He roared.

Rosemary turned her desk chair around to stare at her son. “It’s not healthy son.”

“You don’t get it! I don’t need company! All I want is to be alone! I want to be alone! ALONE!”

Rosemary bowed her head, “Jeremy, I only called Roger because he’s your best friend. You need to talk to someone. This isn’t normal.”

“I talk to Carol! She is the only one I trust!”

“She is a girl Jeremy! You need to someone who’s known you for a long time. He will know what to say to you, honey.”

“Carol has known me a long time too mother.”

“Only throw Lindsey.”

Jeremy cringed, “Don’t say her name.”

Rosemary sighed, she crossed the room to stand in front of Jeremy. Her eyes watered as she studied her son’s features. The dark purple circles under his eyes, his scruff, his hair just slightly longer than before. His handsome face replaced by pain and exhaustion.

“This isn’t you.” She croaked. “This isn’t my son. My son was always happy. She would want you to be happy Jeremy. She would want you to move on with your life.”

Jeremy sighed and groaned out loud, “I know that ok! But that was before I found out she was pregnant!” Jeremy grabbed his hair and yelled to the floor.

“I DIDN’T JUST LOSE ONE BEAUTIFUL THING IN MY LIFE! I LOST TWO! MY UNBORN DAUGHTER OR SON!”

The tears swimming in Rosemary’s eyes fell. She tried to wipe them away, but more fell.

Jeremy’s father came throw the door behind him, “Roger is here. What’s going on?”

Jeremy looked up at his dad, “How would you feel if mom died, and months later learning she was pregnant with me? Tell her how you would feel. She may get an idea how I feel right now.”

Jeremy’s dad looked at Rosemary with a sorrow look in his eyes, “Rosemary. Let him be. Let him deal with it on his own.”

Rosemary sighed, “Fine. I just wanted to help.”

Jeremy groaned, “Don’t. I can do this on my own.”

Jeremy jogged down the stairs and past Roger. “Keys.”

Without hesitating, he handed him the keys and jumped into the passenger side. Jeremy sped away from his home, clenching the steering wheel and breathing heavily.

“Jeremy go to the beach.”

“No.”

“Dammit bro! Just do it!”

Jeremy’s jaw clenched as he pressed down on the gas pedal. “FINE!”

Jeremy barley hit the brakes in time to stop the truck. He pushed the door open and stomped off to the water. Roger followed behind him.

Jeremy fell to the sand and watched the wave’s crash near the shoreline. Roger sat next to him with his eyes on his face.

“Fuck man. You’re a mess.”

Jeremy snorted, “Thanks.”

Roger sighed, “Come on man, talk to me. I thought we were best friends?”

Jeremy looked away from the ocean, “We are. I just rather hold this in.”

“You know that’s not the best thing.”

“How do you know that?” Jeremy snapped.

“Because I’ve known you since we were kids. I know how you think Jeremy; you want to talk to someone. But yours so damn stubborn, you won’t. Why? Because you don’t want to show that your weak. Guess what bro; your actions are speaking ten times louder than your words. I can see that you’re in pain. Everyone can. What makes everyone more worried is that you won’t open up to anyone. Keeping this kind of pain locked away, it won’t make things better. It will only eat at you more and more until it brings you down. Lindsey wouldn’t want that.”

“Don’t say her name.” He whispered.

“Why not? Because it hurts? Because it’s tearing you apart? It’s called grief man. It doesn’t easily go away. It will always be there, some days you can be happy, others you won’t. You and Lindsey,”

Jeremy cringed, but Roger went on like he hadn’t noticed. “You and Lindsey had a bond that was strong. It’s like grief; it will always be there to remind you of what true love really feels like. Hate to break it to you, but if you do ever fall for some chick again, it will still be there. But the important thing to remember is, you can’t let it rule your life. You can’t let it hold you back. Lindsey would want you to be happy again. She would want you to get married, have a shit load of kids. I know right now it’s hard to picture your life, but you have to stop letting the pain hold you back from living your life. You have to open up again to the things life will throw at you.”

Jeremy’s features softened a bit. He seemed more at peace now.

Roger stayed quiet for a while, letting Jeremy think to himself. I continued to watch Jeremy, his eyes were sparkling against the sun, a tear fell just the corner of his eye, but he quickly wiped it away before anyone could see.

“Can I tell you something?” Roger whispered.

Jeremy nodded.

“Remember when you got tackled so hard you were knocked out for a few days?”

Jeremy nodded.

“Well, all of us were at the hospital and Lindsey hadn’t showed up yet.”

“She wasn’t at the game that time. She was visiting her dad.” He whispered.

Roger nodded, “Yeah, well I was talking to your mom and telling her what the doctor said about your head and stuff, when I heard the doors bang open and Lindsey ran to me with tears in her eyes. Her mouth was moving super fast and her words were slurring together. She was freaking out. I told her to calm down and said that you were ok, just had a minor concussion. She asked the nurse if she could see you, but they wouldn’t let her because she wasn’t family, she begged and told them that she was your girlfriend, finally your mom yelled at them and they let Lindsey in. Anyway, I walked in with her and watched her grab your hand, do the girlfriend thing you know.”

I rolled my eyes.

“Anyway, she didn’t take her eyes off you; she didn’t even move or blink the entire three days. Everyone begged her to go home and get some rest but she wouldn’t move. Well one night I stopped by to see how you and her were doing, I found her starring at you again, I laughed and said she was crazy staying up for 24 hours straight. She smiled and told me it was love keeping her awake. Cheesy, I know. Anyway, she hadn’t talked in a long time, but I could tell she was thinking really hard about something. When she caught me looking she told me something that I completely forgot about, until your mom called me a few days asking me to talk to you. Lindsey looked straight in the eye and asked,”

“Roger, if I die and we’re still together, I want you to promise me something.”

“Ok.”

She took a deep breath, grabbed your hand and starred straight at you while she said, “If I die, I want to be able to rest in peace knowing he’s happy. I want you to make sure he doesn’t blame himself, that he doesn’t spend one second of his precious life sulking because he thinks it’s his fault I’m dead. I want you to make sure he moves on with his life, that he falls in love again with someone who loves him just as much as I do, someone that will give him everything he ever dreamed of. Most importantly Roger, I want you to make sure he doesn’t put his life on hold for me, that he doesn’t throw away any special offers, that he doesn’t change his life around because I’m not in it anymore. I want you to make sure he smiles every second, and he laughs every hour. Promise me Roger? Promise me that I can count on you. Promise me.”

“I told her I promised. And I feel like I haven’t full-filled that promise. Well I haven’t really, because I’m a douche and decided to forget about it. You see, I never thought one second that Lindsey would die; I didn’t think I would have to worry about remembering that. It made me feel like shit when I remembered. I broke her promise and she’s probably planning a whole fuck load of bad shit to happen to me.”

I laughed. To tell you the truth, I forgot I said that.

Jeremy smiled, “She probably forgot too.”

Roger laughed, “Probably. That girl always shits load of things to do.”

Jeremy nodded, “Yeah.”

Roger starred at him for a moment, “Jeremy, can you promise me something?”

Jeremy sighed, “Sure.”

“Live you life man. It’s what she wants. Stop sulking and start checking out some honeys.” Roger nudged him. Jeremy chuckled. “Seriously though, it’s time to take the next step. It’s time to move on. Lindsey would want that.”

Jeremy looked at Roger and nodded, “I promise.”

Roger nodded, “Good. Because my life is pretty boring.”

Jeremy laughed, “Because you have no life.”

“Yeah? Well fuck you too man.”

They both laughed. Jeremy sat up and dropped his head, “Thanks man. I guess I really needed to hear what you just said.”

Roger stood up and shrugged, “It’s what friends are for right?”

Jeremy nodded and held out his hand and did the guy hand shake/hug thing. Never got it.

I watched as they drove away together, this time Roger grabbed the driver’s seat while Jeremy talked to him. When they pulled away, I remembered my promise to Roger. Now that I know he’s going to full-fill his promise, it’s time to let go of my grudges and move on. Yes, I lost my baby, my life. But, some things aren’t meant to be. It’s time I forgive Mr. Robin for sure this time, and rest in peace.