Vodka and Lemonade

“This is weird,” I said bluntly a few hours later. I was nestled into Brian’s warm embrace, his long legs encasing me, as we sat on the beach, watching the stars migrate across the night sky and the waves lap upon the shore in the pale moonlight.

Brian laced his fingers with mine and kissed my temple. “Why do you say that?” he asked huskily into my ear before resting his chin on my shoulder. His chin ground into a tender muscle, and it took all of my self-control not to bite his head off. Ever so slightly, I gently rolled my shoulder blade, effectively moving his head further onto the point of my shoulder.

“Because, we’re not this kind of couple,” blunt seemed to be the tone of the night for me.

“What do you mean by that?” he asked, nuzzling back onto my sore muscles.

“We don’t cuddle,” I said with a more obvious shrug. he really needed to stay off that patch of skin.

“We’re cuddling now,” he whispered, lips against the column of my neck.

I pulled myself completely away from him and turned so that we were face-to-face. “Yea, well it’s a rarity. Brian, we fuck and we fight, that’s how it’s always been between us…and don’t you dare try to tell me any different, because you know it’s true…if anything, this is more like Matt and Val’s relationship. And, I don’t know…it’s just…odd, I guess.” I looked down at the flash of the ring on my finger. “I don’t know how to be this,” I sighed.

“Be what?”

“A girlfriend? Fiancé? This- whatever I am to you. I know I’m completely messed up. You’re going to go somewhere and be someone great, and I don’t wanna fuck that up.”

Brian bit his lip. I could tell that he was thinking a million different things at once. Instead of waiting for an answer, I went back to my original position and looked out to the sea, waiting for it to calm me.

His answer never came. The silence was becoming a bit insufferable. “Bri, Why did you ask me to marry you?” I asked.

Brian kissed my hair before he turned me back around. “Because I love you. You make me a better person. I can’t imagine my life without you- I don’t want to imagine a life without you. Are you already regretting your decision?”

I looked back out to the sea. For some odd reason, I felt as if all the answers in the world waited for me under the icy surface. With a hefty sigh, I stood up and walked toward the shoreline. I walked to the break-line before submerging my upper body in a small wave. The cold water felt good on my flushed skin. When I re-surfaced, I could feel that he was waiting for me. I didn’t look at him. I looked to the large moon hanging overhead.

“Danni?” he prodded.

“I like how the moon shines on the sea in such an eerie way,” I spoke, it sounded hollow and echoey in my ears.

“I know.” He replied. I never understood how he could be so patient with me when he couldn't stand waiting for anything.

“I like your friends. I like the music that your band makes. I like our fights. I like the stupid way you wear your stupid fedora. I like how your hair barely brushes your shoulders. I like the way you taste and how you always smell of sweat and cigarettes. I like how I can get lost in your eyes. I like the feeling of you inside me. I like the look you give me when I scream your name. I like dancing. I like fighting. I like drinking. I like swimming in the ocean. I like Pringles and Cherry Coke-”

“What are you getting at?” There it was- the impatience that everyone told me about.

I slowly turned to face him. Pale grey eyes meeting chocolate “But I don’t love any of it because I don’t know what that word means- I don’t know how it feels-”

“Then I’ll show you. Just, open your heart to me. That’s all I’m asking for,” he said, taking a step into the water

“I-I don’t know if I can. You have only heard about my mom. But to witness that?” I trailed off, looking back at the full moon. I had never really looked at it until now. L.A. was too bright, and I was always too drunk, too stoned, or too tired to care. But now, I see what the poets saw. I saw the mystery and the isolation. Suddenly, I didn’t feel so alone in the world. “I wonder what it’s like to be the moon. I wonder what it’s like to watch all the couples pass by and see how their lives unfold. I wonder how it feels to live forever…alone. I mean, you dance and flirt with the stars every night, but you can’t get close to them. And then there’s that whole deal about disappearing over the course of a month, only to re-emerge. What if the moon secretly likes the sun? But they can’t truly be together. They have nowhere to hide. And, when they are together, the moon fades. It is neither as bright nor as big when the sun is around.” I looked back at Brian, everything became so clear. So sharp. “Maybe I am the moon, and you are the sun. We are so close, but worlds apart at the same time,” I quickly shook my head, shocked at my own words. I wasn’t a poet! I was barely a bartender! I walked further out into the sea, willing the currents to take me somewhere far away.

“I meant every word I’ve ever told you. I love you with all my heart, as cheesy and whipped as that sounds.” He called out to me.

“How can you love someone that doesn’t know what love is?” I called back. What am I doing? I’m almost shoulder-deep! Is it considered suicide if you have no intent to kill yourself, but can’t stop from walking to certain death?

I could hear Brian splash towards me, eventually the sound changed to the even strokes of an experienced swimmer. “By showing them that there’s nothing to it.” He quickly grabbed my hips and pulled me back to shallower water before he turned me around. “By believing that it will pull you through all the bad so that you can see the good,” he said has he pulled me closer to him. Our bodies were flush now.

Everything was too much too soon. I could barely catch my breath.

“You wouldn’t have said yes if you didn’t feel something for me.” Brian’s breath rolled over the shell of my ear. His lips barely brushed over my jaw before making their way to my lips.

“I thought it would be a fun experiment.” She said truthfully, unable to keep my lips from claiming his.

Brian let out a soft chuckle before wrapping his arms tighter around me, if that was even possible. He gently pulled me to where we were waist-deep

“But, I guess if I had the right teacher, I could give this love thing a shot,” I said, her breath hitching in her throat for the first time in my life. Deep down, I hated that he could make me into a blubbering idiot

“Well, I don’t know about being a good teacher, but I guess I could give you a shot,” Brian told her before claiming my lips. There was something there. Something I couldn’t quite put my finger on.

Years later, when I held my daughter in my arms, is when I finally could put a name to that feeling. It was love. Brian Haner loved me.

Too bad I couldn’t return the feelings until it was too late.