I Don't Hate You, I Just Don't Want to Hurt You

“He’s here.” I saw my friend mouth the words to me from across the room as the chime for the door sounded.

“Hey JP.” I heard a few people call out to him. He replied quietly as I felt my muscles tighten and curled up tighter on the couching hoping that he wouldn’t see me.

“You ok?” Not a friend but a kid I did know named Jordan asked me, I nodded my head slowly but he didn’t buy it. Instead he gave me a sympathetic look as if for being such a bad liar before he sighed and sat down on the chair across from me.

“I’m just gonna go and say hi.” Christina said glancing back and forth between Jordan and me before hurrying off to see JP and the others.

“What’s up?” Jordan asked me as soon as Christina was out of earshot.

“Nothing” I answered quietly as Jordan gave me one of those I-don’t-believe-you looks.

“Bullshit,” Jordan snapped at me. “We both know that’s bullshit so why don’t you tell me what’s going on.” He said after a moment as I sighed.

“What do you mean what’s going on?” I asked innocently hoping that maybe Jordan would get the hint and oh I don’t know maybe drop the subject!!

“What’s going on with you and JP??” He asked as he took a sip of his Brisk Iced Tea. Jerk I wanted a Brisk.

“Nothing, it’s just something happened that shouldn’t have.” I said quietly, trying to just spit out the words like the poison they were.

“What do you mean?” Jordan asked slowly before realization dawned on him. “You mean- you were the girl? You and JP- that was you that it happened too?” He looked at me and I could see how upset he was as I nodded my head. He then looked from me, who was furiously blinking to hold back the tears to JP who was sitting on the couch with his arm around God knows who. “That it I’m going to go talk to him!” He said loudly ignoring me as I furiously shook my head; he then proceeded to pick up his Brisk and walk over to where the others and more importantly JP was. I watched in horror then put my head down and buried it in the pillow with a low groan. I could hear Jordan talking to JP and he sounded angry. Great just what I fucking needed. Then with a thump I swung my feet onto the floor, stood up and headed towards the door. After all no use staying at the Youth Center right now, especially after THIS.

“Bye Nick.” I muttered to my favourite worker as I pushed open the door and walked out into Grandin Mall.

“Well then go talk to her! She’s fucking leaving!” I heard Jordan yell as the door swung shut and I made a right and began to exit the mall into the light snowfall that was going on outside. Sure I had my cell phone in my pocket but it was early evening, my parents were probably out and it wasn’t that cold out, nor was it snowing that hard. So I decided to walk. I loved the way it looked while it was snowing, especially when the lights were on and everything. It looked like some old-fashioned movie.

“Hey babe wait up!” I heard a voice call from behind me, I didn’t say anything instead I zipped up my sweater all the way, flipped up my hood and continued walking away. “Babe wait!” JP called again as behind me I heard footsteps crunching on the snow. I broke out into a run and his pace picked up. I probably would've been able to run away from him if it wasn't for the fucking ice patch that I slipped on. Goddamn ice.

I slipped and lost my footing on the little ice patch and fell face first on my knees as JP hurried to catch up to me. He was breathing quite heavily even though he had only run a short distance, well maybe the fuck face should get in shape and actually do gym once in a while.

"Kloe, didn't you hear me?" He asked quietly as I reached out and grabbed the chain-link fence so that I could get up. That was a stupid question to ask JP I thought bitterly as I climbed to my feet, not answering him. "Kloe." He started, reaching out and grabbing my arm, while I rolled my eyes.

"I'm sorry Kloe, I really am. I just got drunk and high and I swear I don't know what the hell I was doing or I never would have done it. I swear Kloe I would never hurt you." He said quietly while I turned to him with a sour expression on my face.

"You swear? You swear that you would never hurt me?" I said in a sarcastic tone. "Well guess what JP it's too late for that! You didn't just hurt me, you fucking raped me!" I screeched at him, earning us a look from some person that was walking on the other side of the street. Oh well fuck them.

"Kloe I was fucking DRUNK, I could barely talk. Do you really think that I knew what I was doing? You really think that I wanted to rape you? You think that I PURPOSLY tried to hurt you?" He said angrily, making me shiver. He didn't seem angry I mean his body; the way he was standing it didn't give any signs that he was angry. I mean he was slouched as usual looking at me with his beautiful brown eyes. His stringy black hair covered his left eye and his black jacket was unzipped revealing another black top with a grey wolf on it, giving him a slightly washed-out appearance with his pale skin. He looked completely comfortable except for the tight grip on my arm.

"I don't know anymore JP, I don't know." I whispered quietly, more to myself then to him, I blinked my eyes rapidly a few times to hold back the tears unsuccessfully and took an interest in the sidewalk, while JP looked at me sympathetically.

"Kloe you gotta listen to me." JP said as he let go of my arm and tipped my chin up. "I would never hurt you intentionally." He said firmly. "Never." I bit my lip like a little kid would then shook violently as he took a step closer.

"JP." I started quietly as he immediately took a step away from me.

"Sorry." He mumbled, while I shook my head.

"It's okay, it wasn't you that made me shake, it 'cause I'm cold." I said wrapping my arms around myself in a weak attempt to keep myself warm.

"Oh well in that case if you don't mind." JP joked as he stepped forward again and wrapped his arms around me. "Just let me know if I'm too close." He whispered in my ear making me gasp a little. My arms wrapped around him, my hands resting gently on his shoulders.

"I'm really sorry Kloe, I really I am." He told me as I rested my forehead on his shoulder.

"It's ok JP, it's over now, it's done." I replied quickly. "It just hurt like hell." I added after a moment accidentally. God-damn word vomit.

"I'm sorry for everything, especially hurting you." He said, "I don't like hurting people, so how about we try again, but this time I don't hurt you?" He asked while my jaw nearly hit the sidewalk I was so surprised. He had just extremely openly asked me to have sex with him, after not even three weeks ago he had raped me. Was he fucking serious?

"JP." I started moving my head so that we were face to face; he cut me off as he pressed his lips against mine forcefully. I stiffened at first but immediately relaxed as I kissed him back and our lips meshed together.

I pulled away first, looking at him in shock.

"Sorry." Was all that escaped his lips.

"Don't be." I answered quickly. "Now let's go before I change my mind." I told him. That's all he needed for encouragement. I pulled my arms away from him as he took my hand gently and led me towards his house.

***

We didn't talk much as we walked to JP, I was too entranced by the snow that was floating gently towards the ground and I guess JP must've has something on his mind because he didn't say anything either.

“This way," He said directing me across the road, "and then it's the first one on the right." I glanced up, JP lived in the apartments, the slums to be exact but I personally couldn't have cared less. We crossed the street and JP had to catch me once because I slipped on the goddamn ice.

"Stupid ice." I muttered more to myself then to JP.

"Are you sure that you want to do this?" JP asked me cautiously as we stood outside his house. Was I sure that I wanted to do this? Yes I was more sure of this then of anything I had ever done.

"I'm sure." I answered quietly, and that was all he needed. He twisted the brass door knob and pushed inwards. He led me inside the house which smelled like a mixture of cigarettes and JP. No-one was home, at his house which meant that it was just going to be the two of us. I kicked off my shoes while JP pulled off his coat.

Then there was nothing, except wonderful, painful bliss.

We laid in JP's bed both breathing heavily, he had his arm around my body and I was tracing circles on his hand when he spoke.

"Kloe, I think I love you." He told me softly while I shook my head.

"No JP, I don't think you love me you just think you do." I replied just as softly as my eyes fluttered shut and the world of dreams engulfed me.