Eighteen Years
happy...
If you could see me now, you wouldn’t recognise me.
The last time you saw me, I was just a naïve child, crying on your doorstep, not knowing what it was that I did wrong. Though, now I’m older, eighteen years older, I know I did nothing wrong. It was all you.
If you could see me now, hanging on to his arm with that serene smile on my face, you’d feel dissatisfied.
The last time you saw me, you laughed from behind the netting of your mother’s curtains, laughing at the mess you’d made, laughing at my vulnerability and the fact you’d broken my heart, probably thinking I’d never love again. Well, you were wrong.
If you could see me now, you’d feel a pang of jealousy and regret.
I’ve become so strong, both mentally and physically, no longer scrawny little Toshimasa with arms like toothpicks and self-esteem at minus zero. I’m Toshiya now. You probably have seen me, now that I think about it. The whole of Japan knows who I am, who we are. You’ve probably seen him too, my other half, the redhead my arm is currently linked with. And you know that you’ll never match up to him, you feel it in every inch of your body and you know that even little Toshimasa wouldn’t choose you over him, no matter how desperate he was back then. You’re not a real man. Never were, never will be.
If you could see me now, you’d realize I was always too good for you.
I figured that out ages ago and I’m sure you knew it all along. You beat me up, tore me down, ruined whatever confidence I had because you knew I had more of a chance of happiness than you would ever have. But, funny thing is, thanks to you, I’ve found that happiness and because of everything you put me through, I appreciate it a hell of a lot more. Die knows my worth, just like you did. But, unlike you, he tells me I’m beautiful, wakes me up to watch the sunrise with him, dances like an idiot for me when I’m feeling sad. Et cetera, et cetera….
He’s taken me to a bakery, telling me to pick whatever cake I want. It’s not my birthday or anything, but exactly eighteen years ago, you destroyed me, leaving me sobbing at your door. He doesn’t say anything about it to me, he wouldn’t because I still have a scar on my heart and he himself knows what it feels like to have that ripped open again. But I know he’s trying to make me feel better and he knows the way to my heart is through my stomach. Plus, he always jokes about the noises I make when we pass this shop, knowing that I’ve wanted to try one of these babies ever since the store opened. It’s one of his ways of telling me he loves me and that he just wants me to be happy.
But, in all honesty, I feel totally fine, squeezing his hand in mine and responding to his toothy grin with a crooked smile. The wound you’ve carved into my heart may still be there, but it’s nearly completely healed. A couple more kisses and cuddles from him tonight and it might finally close for good. I chuckle at his face when he realizes that I’ve picked the most expensive cake in the shop, but after a moment he says I’m worth it, though I’d better make it up to him tonight. I nod, muttering that I’ll need to work off the extra calories anyway… why not kill two birds with one stone?
“Do what you want with the birds. As long as I’m unable to move by the time you’ve finished with me, I’ll be happy.”
The shopkeeper pulls a face at that, clearing his throat and pretending to be tidying up some cake boxes so he doesn’t have to watch us kiss. The kiss last longer than he expected though and he clears his throat again impatiently. Die nods and moves closer to him to pay for the massive cake, grinning at the look on the bearded man’s face.
I wait silently, my thoughts wandering back to you for just a brief second, until my lover comes back to me, wrapping his arms round my shoulders and leading me out the shop, nuzzling into my neck with his nose which makes me squirm a little. But I’ve come to a conclusion, finally, eighteen years along the line.
If I could see you now, I wouldn’t hurt you, wouldn’t lash out, wouldn’t curse the day you were born.
I’d thank you. For making me stronger, for allowing me to see the ugly side of life and for eventually leading me to my happiness.
The last time you saw me, I was just a naïve child, crying on your doorstep, not knowing what it was that I did wrong. Though, now I’m older, eighteen years older, I know I did nothing wrong. It was all you.
If you could see me now, hanging on to his arm with that serene smile on my face, you’d feel dissatisfied.
The last time you saw me, you laughed from behind the netting of your mother’s curtains, laughing at the mess you’d made, laughing at my vulnerability and the fact you’d broken my heart, probably thinking I’d never love again. Well, you were wrong.
If you could see me now, you’d feel a pang of jealousy and regret.
I’ve become so strong, both mentally and physically, no longer scrawny little Toshimasa with arms like toothpicks and self-esteem at minus zero. I’m Toshiya now. You probably have seen me, now that I think about it. The whole of Japan knows who I am, who we are. You’ve probably seen him too, my other half, the redhead my arm is currently linked with. And you know that you’ll never match up to him, you feel it in every inch of your body and you know that even little Toshimasa wouldn’t choose you over him, no matter how desperate he was back then. You’re not a real man. Never were, never will be.
If you could see me now, you’d realize I was always too good for you.
I figured that out ages ago and I’m sure you knew it all along. You beat me up, tore me down, ruined whatever confidence I had because you knew I had more of a chance of happiness than you would ever have. But, funny thing is, thanks to you, I’ve found that happiness and because of everything you put me through, I appreciate it a hell of a lot more. Die knows my worth, just like you did. But, unlike you, he tells me I’m beautiful, wakes me up to watch the sunrise with him, dances like an idiot for me when I’m feeling sad. Et cetera, et cetera….
He’s taken me to a bakery, telling me to pick whatever cake I want. It’s not my birthday or anything, but exactly eighteen years ago, you destroyed me, leaving me sobbing at your door. He doesn’t say anything about it to me, he wouldn’t because I still have a scar on my heart and he himself knows what it feels like to have that ripped open again. But I know he’s trying to make me feel better and he knows the way to my heart is through my stomach. Plus, he always jokes about the noises I make when we pass this shop, knowing that I’ve wanted to try one of these babies ever since the store opened. It’s one of his ways of telling me he loves me and that he just wants me to be happy.
But, in all honesty, I feel totally fine, squeezing his hand in mine and responding to his toothy grin with a crooked smile. The wound you’ve carved into my heart may still be there, but it’s nearly completely healed. A couple more kisses and cuddles from him tonight and it might finally close for good. I chuckle at his face when he realizes that I’ve picked the most expensive cake in the shop, but after a moment he says I’m worth it, though I’d better make it up to him tonight. I nod, muttering that I’ll need to work off the extra calories anyway… why not kill two birds with one stone?
“Do what you want with the birds. As long as I’m unable to move by the time you’ve finished with me, I’ll be happy.”
The shopkeeper pulls a face at that, clearing his throat and pretending to be tidying up some cake boxes so he doesn’t have to watch us kiss. The kiss last longer than he expected though and he clears his throat again impatiently. Die nods and moves closer to him to pay for the massive cake, grinning at the look on the bearded man’s face.
I wait silently, my thoughts wandering back to you for just a brief second, until my lover comes back to me, wrapping his arms round my shoulders and leading me out the shop, nuzzling into my neck with his nose which makes me squirm a little. But I’ve come to a conclusion, finally, eighteen years along the line.
If I could see you now, I wouldn’t hurt you, wouldn’t lash out, wouldn’t curse the day you were born.
I’d thank you. For making me stronger, for allowing me to see the ugly side of life and for eventually leading me to my happiness.