The Softer Side of Unbearable

Both Josh and Matt seemed to think that Bailey was unable to be left alone. She spent her nights on Josh's couch, and during the day Josh tried to keep her occupied. His theory was that if he kept her mind busy, she wouldn't be so sad all the time. It might have worked, but Bailey really just wanted to be sad for awhile.

"You can stop hovering, Josh. I'm fine."

"Are you sure? Do you want something to eat? You haven't eaten for awhile."

"I ate breakfast. It's only twelve-thirty. I don't usually eat in the mornings, so I'll be good for awhile. Thanks, but I swear, I'm okay."

"Let me know if you need anything."

Bailey looked up at his worried expression. "I should just go home. Then you could stop pacing back and forth all day, watching me out of the corners of your eyes."

"No, that would make it worse. I'd be scared to go over to your apartment because I'd always think that I'd find you the way I did the other day. That was terrifying, Bailey. I don't think you know how hard it was to see you like that. You're always so strong; I couldn't believe that something could actually tear you apart like that."

She sighed. "I'm sorry, but waking up to find out that your best friend in the world isn't there anymore isn't exactly an easy pill to swallow. Remind me why I can't go home again?"

After they'd finished cleaning out Spencer's apartment, Matt had taken Bailey back to her apartment to drop off her things, as well as a bunch of stuff that she'd been given that had been Spencer's. Now, it seemed that everyone feared she would fall into a deep depression if she was allowed to be around the items. In truth, they gave her a strange sense of comfort. She was currently wearing Spencer's favourite hoodie. She also kept a bottle of his cologne nearby. It seemed strange and sick to everyone else, but it kept the hoodie smelling like Spencer. And the scent calmed her more than anything else. Unfortunately, this also allowed her to understand why nobody trusted her enough to leave her alone. Josh still kept her cell phone during the night so that she wouldn't be tempted to call Spencer when she awoke from her nightmares. Bailey began to wonder if the number had been disconnected yet. If it had, then she might have lost her only remaining way of hearing his voice.

"Let's watch a movie," Josh proposed, trying to get her to forget her request to go home.

"Can I pick it?"

"Be my guest."

She ignored the vast shelf of DVD's and dug around in her bag for a moment. She pulled out the videos that Spencer had filmed when he was on tour with the band. Maybe she would be able to catch a glimpse of him somewhere within the footage.

Josh frowned at her. "Are you sure?"

"No, not really," she admitted. "But someday I'll want to see them. And maybe it will help me right now."

"How, exactly, is this going to help?"

Bailey's voice cracked audibly. "I just want to see him again."

Josh hesitated, battling with himself to decide what was the right thing to do. Finally, he conceded and gestured toward the TV. "Go ahead. But don't blame me if this isn't what you were hoping for.

As soon as the tape began to play, Bailey wrapped herself up in the blankets once more and cuddled down into the sofa cushions. She looked over at the television, and found that she could remember the exact day that the filming of this particular clip had occurred on.

The camera was focused on Bailey's face. She was standing in the hallway of a cheap motel. "Hey guys, my name is Bailey, in case you didn't know that. I'm trying to amuse myself here on tour, and I've hijacked the camera. It's about," she paused to glance around for a clock. "Nine in the morning, and I'm the only one awake. Normally, I sleep the latest of anyone, but today I just couldn't sleep. That's also quite normal on tour, just so you know. Anyways, I found Spencer's camera just sitting here, begging to be stolen, and so here I am. So we're going to go wake some people up and see how pissed off they get."

Bailey spun the camera around and crept into the nearest motel room. There was a tiny, visible amount of black hair protruding from a mass of covers on a nearby bed. Bailey reached out and flipped the covers back, exposing Angel's makeup-streaked face. Angel groaned and pulled the blanket back over her head.

"Fuck off," she grumbled.

"Well you are no fun at all," Bailey huffed. "Jeff and Spencer have a seperate room, and I don't have a key. I can't do anything when I'm the only one awake."

"So go steal the van and get everyone some coffee. I'd be a lot happier to see you if you came equipped with caffeine."

"Lazy ass. We have to hit the road in half an hour. Get up."

"Coffee first, driving later."

Bailey spun around and headed back out into the hallway. "She's starting to sound more like me everyday. It's almost creepy, really."

Spencer appeared then, popping his head out of a nearby room. "Bailey, what the hell are you doing with my camera?" He didn't seem upset. Unlike everyone else, he didn't mind getting up early. Bailey focused the lens on his face.

"Trying to catch you at your worst. Your hair is a mess, buddy."

"Here," he stepped out into the hallway and handed her his laptop. "I'll trade you. There's a web page open with a review of last night's show."

Bailey obliged and took the computer before retreating into her motel room. The video flickered for a moment, then refocused on another scene. Angel was sitting on a folding chair in a dressing room backstage. She looked bored, and her green eyes were more interested in the dirt under her fingernails than in the camera.

"We're in Saskatoon tonight," she said as she began picking at her nails. "I really, truly detest driving across the prairies. It's so boring. But it's worth it to play for these crowds."

Spencer's disembodied voice came from behind the camera. "Why don't you ever talk on stage?"

"I like to keep my voice a mystery," she retorted. "Why aren't you interviewing Bailey? She's the one that handles all of the publicity bullshit."

"Because Bailey is selling merch right now, and so is Jeff. You're the only one left."

"It's good to know that I'm a last resort. What's with you and Bailey, anyways? Jeff and I don't bring people on tour, so why do you always pop up? And why is that camera always attached to your hand?"

Spencer sighed before patiently explaining. "Bailey and I are friends. That's it. I like to help out with band stuff, and she thought that making a DVD would be a good idea. So here I am."

"You don't seem like just friends. Seriously, the two of you should just get hitched and be done with it," Angel still looked bored. Her attention refocused on the doorway as Jeff entered. "Hey, Jeff, random question for you: do you think Bailey and Spencer have something going on?"

Jeff shrugged, reaching past her for a box of CDs. "Who cares?" Without another word, he left again. Angel frowned at his receding figure.

"Well I think you two should just admit it already."

"We're not together. We will never be together like that. She wouldn't be happy. We want different things. Bailey's career is her priority, and that's cool. But she needs to focus on that more than anything." To anyone else, it might have sounded like he was simply concerned for his friend's well-being, and he wasn't denying a chemistry between them. But he knew that there would never be anything physical between them. He just wasn't ready for the world to know yet.

"Fine," Angel dropped her hands, abandoning her attempt at a makeshift manicure. "Live in denial. I won't be surprised when this conversation gets cut from the final project."

"Angel!" Bailey entered the room, looking frustrated. "Let's go, we've got five more minutes before we've got to go on. I could use your help, if it's not too much-"

The screen went black. Bailey blinked back a wall of water that had risen behind her eyes before looking around the room. Matt was holding the remote, visibly upset.

"Why, Josh? Why would you let her watch this?"

Josh got to his feet and took on a defensive stance. "I tried to talk her out of it, but I couldn't reason with her. She just wanted to see him. What harm could that do?"

Bailey wanted to jump in and stop the argument. She wanted to explain to Matt that it was all her fault and that Josh wasn't to blame. She wanted to apologize to Josh for even coming up with the stupid idea. But she couldn't find the words inside of her. The sadness that she had wanted so badly over the past few days was hitting her full force.

She pulled the blanket up until it covered everything but her eyes, and she pulled herself back into the shell that she'd constructed to keep her safe before the funeral.