The Softer Side of Unbearable

"Hey, Bailey?" Josh sounded a little unsure of himself.

She looked up from where she was curled up on his couch. "Yeah?"

Josh appeared to be instantly relieved that she had actually spoken. "Your phone went off, so I answered it. I think it's a business call. I thought you might want to take it."

Bailey took the phone that he was holding out to her and pressed it against her ear. "Hello?"

"It's Bailey, right?"

The male voice sounded familiar, but she couldn't seem to place it. She paused, trying to decipher to whom the tone belonged, but it still escaped her.

"Yes. And this would be... ?"

"I know this is kind of unorthodox, but I had to call you personally. I know you're supposed to be done touring for this album, but we're looking for another band to open for us for the Canadian leg of our tour, and we thought you would be the perfect band for the job. You're different than the bands we usually bring."

Bailey tried to sift through the words to try and figure out who she was talking to. Her brain seemed to be moving a lot slower these days. "I'm sorry, I'm not really looking for a tour right now. And you still haven't told me who you are."

"Oh," the voice sounded apologetic. "My name is Ben. I'm in a band called Billy Talent."

Bailey sat bolt upright. "You're Ben Kowalewicz?"

"The one and only."

"And you want Antagonist Theory to open for you?"

"Yeah, I think it would be fun."

Her inhibitions set in, and she felt herself shudder. "I'm not really planning on touring anytime soon. I'm kind of trying to take a break. I'm sorry, Ben."

"I'm not asking for an answer right now. The tour doesn't even start for a few months. I'm going to be in Vancouver in two days. Will you meet up with me? Maybe I can persuade you better in person."

She searched her mind for some kind of an excuse. That would require going out into public, and being alone for a portion of time. She'd already proven that she couldn't be trusted to be alone. She looked up and found Josh giving her an encouraging look. She didn't have any real reason not to go, if only just to humor the poor guy. She really wasn't ready to tour.

"Okay, you name the time and place."

When Bailey arrived at the small pub, she found Ben already waiting. He smiled and waved her over to the secluded table at the back. She shook his hand politely and then seated herself across from him.

"Look, Ben," she began, hoping to get the bad news over with. "I really don't think I can-"

"Do you know what I did when I lost my best friend?"

She looked over at him, perplexed.

"I know better than most people what you're going through right now. Yes, I've heard about it," he answered her unasked question. "I talked to Josh when he answered your phone. I know that your best friend just passed away. And I've been there."

"You... you have?" She was fighting back the emotion that clogged her throat. Did he really understand her right now?

"You know all of my songs, right? I know I changed the context of it a little bit, but I wrote the song 'White Sparrows' when my best friend died. He wouldn't have wanted me to give up. Just like your friend would want you to keep going."

"I can't. Not yet, anyways. I just need some time."

"You really can't even tour? It's one thing to go and write new stuff, but playing the old stuff won't hurt, will it?"

"I don't know. Everything's happened so fast. I still can't really comprehend it all. All I know for sure is that it hurts. I miss him more than I thought I could miss anyone. How did you get it together and move on?"

Ben looked a little sad for the first time that day. His eyes focused on the tabletop instead of her face, and the mishevious glint in them disappeared. For a moment, he showed his age. "I won't bullshit with you and say that it was easy. I miss him. I can't go a whole day without thinking about him."

"I don't know if I can deal with that," she whispered.

Ben's eyes flickered back up to her face. He studied her for a long moment, then ran a hand through his short, light hair. "It gets better. It won't always feel like you're drowning."

She met his gaze and held it. She saw a sadness in him that wasn't unlike what was surely visible in her. In all the videos and interviews and concerts that she'd seen him in, she'd never seen him look like this. He was always so full of life and energy. She knew that he was probably the only person that truly understood how sick she felt. Grief wasn't an emotion, it was a virus.

"If I ever find the surface, I'll let you know. I hope your offer will still stand," Bailey played with the glass that the waitress had placed in front of her.

"You will surface. I promise, someday, you'll be able to breathe again."

Unlike everyone else, she had to believe him. He'd been through it. He knew what he was talking about. But she didn't feel that she was ready to heal yet. It was easier to sleep on Josh's couch and wallow in pain than to try and move on. It would feel like betrayal. It was too soon.

When she met Ben's eyes again, he was gazing at her intently. He leaned in close, then paused. It wasn't that he was hesitating, it was more like he was evaluating her. When he was certain that she wouldn't push him away, he closed the gap between them and pressed his lips against hers.

Both people involved were shocked when she kissed him back.

Maybe it was because they shared the same painful experience and he had recovered, but she somehow found a safety with him. She didn't think about anything other than that feeling. She didn't care about how much older he was, or how she was going to feel afterward. It just wasn't important. All she knew was that she loved how she felt right then.

I don't know any details, nor do I ever want to. All I know is that Bailey took the first step toward a slippery slope that day. She needed to feel loved and wanted. Though that feeling was evident right then, she was finding it in all the wrong places. She should have gone home, or at least back to Josh's couch. Instead, she found herself in a fancy hotel room with a man she'd looked up to. A man she'd only just met.

But she was definitely attracted to Ben. She didn't understand why, exactly, but she liked being around him and she felt better when he was there. He was funny and kind and he knew what she was going through. She found a kindred spirit in him. Others might have argued that she was simply vulnerable and he was taking advantage of her, but she didn't view it that way.

If you're wondering, she didn't go on the tour. Ben told her that he would leave the offer on the table, even if she only decided to play a show or two. She promised that she would consider his proposal, at the very least. Even though she missed the music, she had a bigger hole inside of her that was capturing all of her energy. And when Ben left the next morning, she felt that hole reopen. The only person who had understood her was gone.

And she was left feeling cold and alone.