The Softer Side of Unbearable

"Bailey, call me. I'm worried. Please?"

Bailey punched a button on her cell phone keypad and deleted the message. Since she'd gone AWOL the night before, she'd missed twelve calls. Four were from Josh, and the rest were from Matt. It seemed that they believed she had run away. Instead of returning the calls, she simply drove to Josh's apartment.

Josh had given her his spare key when she had left the day before, though she had been certain that he wasn't going anywhere. Either way, she was able to slip inside without alerting anyone. When she walked into the apartment, she heard voices.

"I've tried calling her too, Matt. She's not at her own place. I swung by there this morning. I didn't get Ben's number or I would have called him, too. It's possible that he knows where she went."

"Or maybe he's with her," there was a dark edge to Matt's tone. It made Bailey shudder.

"Or maybe I'm right here," she said loudly, dropping her keys on an end table as she locked the door behind her.

Matt appeared suddenly as he rushed out of the kitchen. He placed a hand gently on her upper arm and looked her straight in the eyes. There was nothing but concern etched into his warm brown irises.

"Are you okay? What happened? Why didn't you answer your phone?"

"I," Bailey paused, feeling suddenly ashamed under Matt's stare. She still didn't regret spending the night with Ben, but she didn't feel like she should tell Matt, either. "Ben and I had a lot of stuff to talk about. He lost his best friend, too. He understands. But he's gone now, so I figured I should come back and let you know that I'm okay. I think I should go home now."

Matt's gaze became one of the utmost wonder and confusion. "Home?"

"Yeah," Bailey gave him a tiny smile. "You know, that place that I pay rent and keep all of my stuff. I don't want to be a burden anymore. I think I'm alright for now."

Lies. Every word that spilled from her pale lips was false, but she felt that it would be easier on Matt and Josh if she took her depression elsewhere. Their excessive concern hurt her; it wasn't the kind of companionship that she was searching for right then. Besides, she had always been the type to leap onto the grenade and sacrifice herself for the good of others. If she was alone and unhappy, but Matt and Josh were happier without her, then she was okay with it.

"Are you sure?" Matt pressed.

"Bailey," Josh gave her a pleading look. "You can stay here as long as you need. I would never turn you away."

Bailey shook her head. "You guys have done so much for me. I can't put you out anymore. I have to learn to take care of myself again. Thanks for everything, but it's time to go."

Both men seemed to be trying to find a way to convince her that she needed to stay, but she wouldn't listen to them. She started feeding them various excuses, such as 'there's no point in paying rent if I'm living on someone else's couch,' and 'I've got a lot of stuff to catch up on there.' But she wouldn't tell them the real reason. She was only certain of two things that she was actually planning to do: she wanted to write a song for Spencer, and she wanted to find some cheap thrills to make herself feel less lonely. Sitting around on Josh's couch wasn't helping anyone.

"At least let me drive you there," Matt bargained.

Bailey collected the remains of her belongings and threw the into her duffel bag. She couldn't find a reason to decline his offer. It was better than taking a cab, which was what she had insisted upon doing for the past couple of days. Her own car was still at her apartment.

"Okay, I suppose that would be fine." Bailey paused to give Josh a tight hug. "Thank you so much. I really can't even express how much you helped me. If you ever need anything, come to me first."

"It was really nothing. Take care of yourself, Bailey. Come back anytime you need to."

Bailey nodded, but she had no intention of ever returning to stay on that couch. She would visit, of course, as Josh was now her closest friend, but she wanted to stand on her own feet again. Even if that meant that she stumbled every now and then.

Matt took her bag for her as they left the apartment and headed down to his waiting truck. "So what inspired this sudden change?"

"What do you mean?"

"Yesterday you were begging Josh not to make you go to meet Ben. Now you don't want to stay here anymore. What happened last night, Bailey? Where did you go?"

Bailey set her jaw and focused on the steps she was taking. "Nothing that's important. I had a long talk with Ben. He lost his best friend, too. And I realized that I need to try and get better, because he made it look so easy. I need to find a way to keep on living."

"That's exactly what we've been trying to help you with."

"I know. But it might be easier to accomplish on my own. You won't always be there, you know. And even when you're around, you might not always be what I need."

Bailey hadn't meant the words to come out quite the way that they did. She really enjoyed Matt's company, and she wasn't about to push him away. But she was somehow unable to retract the tone she'd used.

"If you feel that way, I'll give you space. But I'm not about to let you fall into some depression that you can't get out of. I can't watch you do that."

"And I don't intend to let it happen. I just need a bit of time to myself now that I've accepted what happened. I need to process everything."

Matt graciously held the passenger door open for her, though his eyes were ablaze. Once she had climbed into the truck, he closed the door behind her, sending a loud bang echoing through the small cab. Bailey shivered.

"Are you mad at me?" She asked timidly once he had settled into the other seat.

He sighed. "No, Bailey, I'm not mad. How could I possibly be angry with you right now? I have no idea how hard it must be for you to deal with all of this. I'm just frustrated, that's all."

Bailey waited for him to elaborate, but he didn't. She decided to press her luck. "So you're frustrated with me, then? How is that so much different than being mad?"

"I'm not frustrated with you, I'm just frustrated in general. No matter what I do, I can't figure out a way to help you. And then this other guy walks into your life - a stranger, no less - and he knows exactly what you're feeling. And he changes your entire way of dealing with this in only one night. Yet whatever he said or did to cause that remains some deep dark secret. And, to be brutally honest, I'm scared. Spencer has been gone for just under a month. Somehow, in that little amount of time, I've grown to feel kind of responsible for you. And if something happens to you now that you insist on being alone, where does that leave me?"

While Bailey tried to process everything, Matt began to drive. By the time she thought of something to say, he was only two blocks from her apartment building.

"Where does that leave you?" She repeated slowly. "Matt, the best thing that you can do right now is to just be my friend. Yes, Ben understands what I'm feeling right now, but he's not the one that's here to talk me through. And he didn't really help me in the way that you're thinking. We didn't talk about Spencer all that much. Ben offered me an escape. It allowed me to clear my head enough to realize that I wasn't accomplishing anything by sleeping on Josh's couch and letting him try and distract me."

"What do you mean when you say that he offered you an escape?"

She took a deep breath. "If you must know, I was in need of something reckless and completely stupid."

"Which would be...?"

"I slept with him, okay? Does that make you feel better? Or does it make you think less of me because it makes me look like a slut?" Her cheeks were growing hot, and her voice was growing louder as Matt cut the engine and turned to stare at her, bewildered. "Well in case you're wondering, I wasn't mislead or vulnerable; it was a choice. And I feel okay about it. It was the closest thing I've ever had to a one-night stand, and I don't feel that it was like that at all."

Matt watched her, waiting for the flush to recede from her face. When she had calmed down, he made an effort to appear serene. "Alright, so you had sex. Big deal. People do that all the time. The bottom line here is that you're still feeling good."

Bailey gathered up her bag and dug her keys out of her pocket. When she was sure that he hadn't judged her harshly for her confession, she forced a smile. "Thanks, Matt. For everything."

"Do you need me to come up with you?" He glanced out the windshield at the building in front of them.

She paused to consider his offer. "No, that's okay. I need to do this alone."

"You're sure? I'm going to come over tomorrow just to see how you're doing."

Bailey wanted to argue with him, but she knew that it was pointless. He was bound to show up anyway. Instead of trying to convince him otherwise, she simply nodded her head.

"I'll see you tomorrow, then."