The Softer Side of Unbearable

If anyone happened to be listening, they would no doubt be confused. There was a beautiful melody playing within the small apartment, followed by a horrific crash as Bailey pounded her fist into the keyboard and swore loudly. Nothing was coming out right.

"Stupid fucking song. This is useless!" She grumbled. She threw her notebook across the room and got to her feet. She paced the room for a few long minutes.

She had been trying to write a song for Spencer for about three days. It wasn't going very well. She had yet to listen to Matt's suggestion and get out of the city for awhile, and the idea seemed to be more promising every second. Maybe it was time to head out to see her nephew. She knew that Gavin would always be excited to see her, no matter what.

"Hey Bailey, what's up?" Her brother Brian asked as he answered the phone.

"Not much. How are things there?"

"Pretty quiet, actually. How are you holding up?"

Bailey picked up the notebook that she had thrown and set it gently on her coffee table. "I'm alright. I've been better. I think I just need a break for awhile. Would it be alright if I came out there for a few days? I think it might be good for me to have Gavin to distract me."

"Yeah, absolutely. I think that's a good idea. When do you think you'll get here?"

"Tonight, I guess. It's kind of a spur of the moment thing. I didn't make any real plans."

"Then pack a bag, and I'll come and get you."

Despite everything, Bailey managed to smile to herself at her brother's gesture. "Thanks, but that's kind of stupid. There's no reason for you to come all the way here when I can drive myself out to your place."

"Suit yourself. The offer stands, if you need it. If not, let me know when you're leaving. Gavin's going to go nuts when you show up at our front door."

Bailey laughed a bit. "Okay, I'll keep you posted."

She hung up the phone, then turned off her electric keyboard. There was no point in working on the song any more today. She wasn't going to accomplish anything. It didn't matter what she did, it didn't sound right.

She was packed and ready to go in a matter of minutes. She couldn't remember the last time she'd done laundry, so her choice of clean clothing was limited. If nothing else, it made packing a bag exceptionally easy.

When she got into her car, however, a crippling fear set in. She hadn't driven on the highway since Christmas Eve. Actually, she'd hardly driven at all since then. She had brought her car home on Christmas morning, and it had sat there, immobile, for weeks.

Bailey's hands shook as she grasped the steering wheel. There was no reason for her to feel this afraid, yet she couldn't hold herself steady. She rested her head against the steering wheel, trying to breathe deeply. Slowly, she dialed her phone.

"Bailey? What's wrong?"

"How did you know something was wrong?"

Matt let out a breath through his nose. "You never call me, Bailey. I always call you."

"I'm scared."

His voice shifted and took on a warm, comforting tone. "What are you scared of?"

"I'm in my car. I just can't seem to start it. I reach for the key, and I think about him. What if I can't drive anymore because of this?"

He tried to rationalize with her. "Calm down. How many times did you drive before he died? Nothing happened, right? Plus the roads were bad that day. It's really nice out today; the roads are dry and safe. You'll be fine."

"I wish I knew that for sure."

"Do you want me to come over? I can drive you wherever you need to go. I mean, I think you need to drive eventually, but you can take baby steps."

"Matt, I can't depend on you for everything. I'd like to, but I know that I can't."

"Then stay on the phone. I'll talk to you the whole way there. You'll never be alone. Would that be alright?"

"You would do that for me?" She asked, feeling slightly awed by his consideration.

"Sure I would. Your job requires you to drive across the country. I think you should be able to do that without freaking out."

Bailey took a deep breath and reached for her keys again. "Matt, I owe you so much."

"No, you don't. Seriously, it's alright. I like talking to you, so it's not a big deal." He sounded so easygoing about the entire thing.

"Here goes nothing," she murmured before twisting the key in the ignition.

Matt changed the subject and talked about new music that his band was working on while Bailey maneuvered her car out of the city. She felt stupid for having any kind of doubts about driving. It was never something that had frightened her. But suddenly, everything was foriegn and terrifying. Death lurked behind every corner, and nothing was what it seemed. Bailey hadn't wanted Spencer's death to change her entire outlook on life, but it had. If she could have stayed home alone forever, she would have. But as scared as she was, she knew that she wouldn't survive by herself. And she would go insane with boredom.

"Thank you," she said about an hour later as she pulled into her brother's driveway.

"You made it?"

"Yeah, I'm here. I have a nephew to find now. But really, thanks Matt. You reminded me that not everything has to be scary."

"Don't mention it. Call me when you're on your way home, okay? It's not everyday that I get to talk for an hour uninterrupted. It was kind of nice," he chuckled to himself.

"Will do. Talk to you later."

"Take care, Bailey."

She got out of the car and grabbed her bag. She was smiling to herself as she walked up the front steps and rang the doorbell. Her smile widened as she heard a squeal from inside before the door was pulled open. The small, beaming face of Gavin greeted her.

"Auntie Bailey! Daddy said you were coming!" He reached up to her, and she dropped her bag so she could pick him up.

"What? Daddy ruined my surprise? Oh he is in big trouble now! What are we going to do about that?"

"He's in trouble?" Gavin looked perplexed, and he cocked his head to one side. "Why?"

Bailey laughed. "No, buddy, he's not really in trouble."

"Oh. Want to see my room? I got Spiderman sheets now!"

"You bet," she set him down on his feet and picked up her bag once more. "Lead the way."

She followed the child up the stairs and into his bedroom, where he proudly displayed his new bedsheets. From there, he moved on to show her some new toys. It seemed that the boy was still reaping the benefits of Christmas.

"Hey, Gavin, are you keeping Auntie Bailey all to yourself up here?"

Bailey turned to face the doorway, where her older brother was standing. "Hey, Brian. How's it going?"

Brian smiled. "We're good. It's you that I'm worried about. How have you been?"

"Daddy," Gavin interjected. "You're in trouble. Big trouble."

"Is that so?" Brian looked from his son to his sister. "And why am I in big trouble?"

"Because you told Gavin I was coming and ruined my surprise."

"I wasn't aware that it was a surprise."

"It wasn't," Bailey smiled lightly. "I just decided that it should have been. Anyways, I'm doing alright. It turns out, I have some really good friends. Except, it's not the friends that I thought would be there for me. I guess I found out who I can really depend on."

Brian nodded thoughtfully. "Get settled into the guest room, Bailey, then come downstairs. Melanie's cooking dinner. And I feel like we need to have a good talk. You still haven't told me everything. I feel like I'm missing a good chunk of what happened after you ran out of Mom and Dad's place on Christmas Eve."

"Why did you leave?" Gavin asked suddenly. "You didn't even get your presents on Christmas!"

"I know, bud. I'm sorry I left. I just had a problem that day. But I'm here now, and I'm going to be here for a couple of days. Does that make it better?"

Gavin put on a thoughtful face. "Did you get your presents later?"

"Yes, I got my presents," she assured him.

"Did you get the one from me?"

Bailey smiled softly at him. "I did. Thank you very much. I love it. Thank you, Gavin." He had painted her a picture. It was now framed on her living room wall.

Gavin beamed up at her. "Good. Want another one? I can paint one tomorrow!"

"Only if I can paint you one too, okay?"

The boy nodded enthusiastically. "Okay!"

"Gavin, you should go play for a bit, alright? Me and Mommy need to have a bit of time with Auntie Bailey. It's just some boring grown up stuff."

Gavin looked between the two adults, then nodded and began to pull some toy trucks out of a toy box. Bailey threw her bag into the guest bedroom before following her brother into the kitchen.

"Hi, Bailey," Melanie looked up from where she was cooking on the stovetop and greeted her sister-in-law with a smile. "How are you?"

"I think I've been to hell and back. I never realized how much I took him for granted. But I'm doing a little bit better. Maybe time really does heal all wounds. I just wonder how much time I'll need. It doesn't seem like there's an end in sight."

Brian patted Bailey's shoulder softly. "You'll be alright. And until then, you're welcome to stay here as long as you need."