The Softer Side of Unbearable

For a short time, it seemed that a normal life was possible for Bailey. She was awakened every morning by a squeal of excitement from Gavin, and he kept her occupied from that moment on. While his parents went to work, she saved the child from having to go to the neighbour's house for babysitting. It was only in the evenings, once Gavin had been put to bed, that she had time to think and talk about her situation.

"It's only been four days, Bailey," Brian told her when she admitted one night that she feared she had become a burden to him. "You're saving us the cost of a babysitter, and Gavin is having the time of his life. Don't worry about it."

"But what am I accomplishing here? Gavin is a distraction, and a damn good one at that, but when it comes right down to it, he's only that; a distraction. One of these days I'm going to have to face all of this head on again and I just don't know how I'll manage to do that."

"First of all," Brian watched his sister pace the floor. "You're acting like you've got to attack all of this on your own. You don't have to do that, you know. You've said yourself that you found out who your real friends are. And you've always got us. I don't know how I can help you, but I'll sure as hell try."

Bailey stopped her incessant walking and sat down heavily in a kitchen chair. She could hear someone speaking distantly on the television, and the sound made her shudder slightly. Everytime someone turned on the news, it made her stomach churn with nerves. It was like, somehow, a news report could bring only bad news.

"Brian, I appreciate everything. Really, I do. I don't know how to begin to repay you for taking me in," she paused, then muttered under her breath. "All I ever do these days is live off of other people." She hadn't thought that she'd spoken loud enough for him to hear until he replied.

"Okay, enough. It's time that you came clean and told me everything. All you've talked about is how hard it is to write a song, but that can't be all that's happened since Spencer died. Who are these friends that you weren't expecting to be there for you? Who left you alone?"

With a heavy sigh, Bailey confessed everything to her brother. She was vaguely aware of the fact that his wife was listening in somewhere nearby, but for the moment it didn't bother her. It felt good to be able to tell someone everything. Someone that wasn't Josh or Matt. She'd put enough on their shoulders already.

She made a special point to leave out the part about her night with Ben. She knew that her brother still chose to walk around with blinders on when it came to her sex life. As far as Brian was concerned, she was still as innocent as she had been in the first grade.

"You always knew that Angel wasn't a dependable girl," Brian said after a few moments of silence. "I knew from the first time I saw her that she was too temperamental to truly care about what goes on with your life. But maybe she really has gotten into something that she shouldn't be involved with, and maybe that's what's gotten into her. I can't really speak for her. But I thought Jeff would be there for you. And I don't know those other guys, Matt and Josh, but I guess you've found some really good friends. But you've got to remember that you've still got your family."

"But I need to be able to take care of myself someday. And I need to prove that I'm capable of it. Otherwise Josh is going to keep calling, Matt is going to keep stopping by my apartment, and you're going to keep inviting me over every day. I don't want to be the one that always needs a babysitter. I'm used to being the one that does the babysitting. I don't like it when people have to take care of me."

"Well for now, maybe you should let us help you. Then when you're back on your feet, you can return the favor."

Bailey paused and scratched the back of her neck. She heaved another sigh and thought over her brother's words. "Thanks. I'm going to go and try to get some rest. I think I need some time to figure out where I belong right now."

She knew before she had even crawled beneath the sheets that sleep would not come easy. Her mind was too full, and her chest was too heavy. She always felt that way when she was going to bed. It was the only time of day that she was all by herself.

"Auntie Bailey, are you okay?"

Bailey's eyes shot open at the sound of Gavin's terrified tone. The boy's brown eyes were wide and frightened. Bailey pushed back the blankets and found that she was covered in a thin shell of cold sweat. She had been dreaming again.

"Did I wake you up, honey?" She asked, sitting up and pushing her damp hair off of her forehead.

Gavin nodded. "You were crying. Don't be sad."

She reached out for him and pulled the small child up onto the bed next to her. "I'm alright, Gavin. I just had a bad dream, that's all."

"Grown ups have bad dreams too?"

She felt her chest constrict at his innocence. She found it hard to believe that she, too, had once been so naive. "I can't speak for every grown up, but I definitely still have bad dreams. Maybe you can help me. How do you get rid of bad dreams?"

"Mommy sings to me."

Bailey laughed. "Usually I do all the singing. How does that help me?"

"I can get Mommy for you," he offered. He began to slide off of the mattress before Bailey caught him.

"That's okay, buddy. We'll let Mommy sleep. Actually, we should get back to sleep too. Thank you for coming to check on me. I'm fine though, I promise."

He stared at her for a long moment, as though he were trying to decide if she was being honest with him. Finally, he nodded. "Okay."

Bailey scooped him up into her arms and carried him back into his bedroom. She tucked him in and sat on the edge of his mattress. "Do you think you can get back to sleep now?"

He blinked his wide eyes. "You can sing better than Mommy does."

After a second of holding back a laugh, she smiled down at him. "I won't tell her you said that. But only because you let me win when we played street hockey today."

She paused for a moment, then began to sing him one of the only ballads she'd ever written. She watched as his eyes grew heavy and gradually closed. He was clearly trying to fight off sleep, but it was nearing three in the morning and his fatigue was overwhelming.

Bailey waited until she was certain that he was asleep before she returned to her bedroom. She found the warm spot beneath the covers and curled up, hugging her knees to her chest. She hadn't realized that her nightmares were disturbing anyone else. Gavin had never seen her show any sign of weakness before; she hated the fact that he'd heard her cry.

In that instant, she made up her mind. It was time to return to Vancouver. At least when she was at her own apartment, she didn't disturb everyone else when she was tormented by her memories.

She didn't sleep well that night. When she got up the next morning, nobody else was awake. She put on a pot of coffee and sat at the table.

"Thanks for putting Gavin back to bed."

Bailey jumped at the sound of Melanie's soft voice. She looked up at her brother's wife. "Well it was my fault that he was even awake in the first place. It was the least I could do."

"He worries about you, you know. Not just lately; when you were on the road, he would wait by the phone when you were supposed to call. He always wants to know that you're okay. We all do. I don't know if I tell you this often enough, but I really enjoy it when you're here. It makes everyone happy."

"Thanks, Melanie. I love being here. I really miss you guys when I'm gone. But I think I need to go back to the city for a little while. I'm kind of hopeless these days. I can't be alone, but I can't let myself bother people. I don't want to keep anyone up at night. And I know that as soon as I get home, I'm going to have to deal with the same things. Matt is going to be there as soon as he knows I'm around."

Melanie sat down and stared intently at Bailey. "You talk about Matt a lot. Is there something going on with him?"

Bailey snorted. "No, we're just friends. But he seems to be under the impression that it's his job to take care of me. He's amazing, but he does way too much for me."

"Well it's nice that he stepped up when nobody else did. I think you've found yourself some really good friends. But your family loves you. Our door is always open to you."

Baily was on the road soon after everyone else was awake. She said her goodbyes and promised to come back soon, then threw her bag into her car and began to drive away.

When she got home, she was immediately restless. She had no desire to stay in her apartment, and she was driven back to her previous need to find something to distract her. Without bothering to call anyone, she got changed and headed out.

After wasting her day shopping, she wound up sitting alone in a bar. It was a new bar for her; all of her regular hangouts reminded her of the times she'd been there with Spencer.

As she slammed back her third shot, she wondered why she hadn't yet thought to simply drink her cares away. For the moment, it seemed to be working.