The Softer Side of Unbearable

"Matt, do you ever plan on spending a night at home?"

Matt's eyebrows pulled together. He had just set foot in Bailey's apartment; he hadn't even had time to shut the door behind himself yet. Bailey had done a lot of thinking after her coffee date with Josh. She found that she was suddenly concerned about Matt's well-being. If helping her was hurting him, then it just didn't seem worth it.

"You don't want me around?"

"That's not it at all," she said hurriedly. "I just don't want you to put yourself out. Staying on my couch isn't exacty normal. Or comfortable, for that matter." She bounced slightly where she sat on the sofa, as if proving her point.

"It's not that bad. I think it's worth it; I like seeing you smile." As he said it, his lips turned up in a tiny smile of his own. It was almost wistful.

"I was talking to Josh today, and it got me thinking."

"About what?"

"I don't want to hurt you," she told him.

Matt finally left the doorway and walked farther into the apartment. He narrowed his eyes critically. "Why would you hurt me? What are you talking about?"

"I don't want you to feel obligated to be here with me. I don't want this to bring you down."

"This isn't about me," he argued. "This isn't even about Spencer. This is about you. For once in your life, can't you put yourself before everyone else? You don't have to be so selfless all the time. You're allowed to be hurt, and you're allowed to let people help you."

"But I can't stand the thought of you hurting the same way that I am. I can't let that happen to you. You should be living your own life and being happy."

Matt shook his head. "I could never hurt the way that you are. I've never lost anyone that close to me. So you have nothing to worry about. Why is this suddenly an issue?"

Bailey rested her chin in her hand, propping her elbow up against her knee. "I'm just worried, that's all. Will you promise me something, Matt?"

He appeared to be wary. "I guess that depends on what I'm promising. I won't agree to something that I can't do."

She looked up at him, her eyes searching his. "If this becomes too much to handle, don't stay with me. I'll let you go, no questions asked. Just promise that you won't lie to me."

"I wouldn't lie to you anyways."

Her gaze fell, and she found herself gazing intently at the pale blue carpet beneath her sock-clad feet. "Everyone lies, Matt."

"I get the feeling that there's a story behind that statement."

Bailey breathed deeply and felt a twinge inside of her chest. "It's true. Even Spencer lied to me. Once. He never did it again, though."

"Was it about the fact that he was gay?"

Matt's blunt question startled her. Bailey immediately took a defensive position over her late friend. She leapt up off of the couch and leaned forward in an almost menacing fashion. Her hands balled into fists.

"What are you talking about? Who the hell told you something like that? And where do you get off asking me about it?"

"I just overheard-"

"So you think that it's okay to tell the whole world? Just because you didn't say it first?"

"Stop it!" Matt yelled. A ringing silence swept through the room. He had never raised his voice like that to her before. "I heard you talking about it with his mom at the funeral, okay? I happened to be walking by the two of you when it came up. I didn't mean to hear anything, and you were too involved in the conversation to notice that I was there. And as for telling the world, I haven't done that. I didn't mention it to anyone. For Christ's sake, Bailey, if he died keeping that secret, there must have been a reason for it. Believe it or not, I'm not that big of an asshole. It's not my place to tell anyone anything about a guy who didn't want to say it himself."

Bailey stammered wordlessly for a moment, trying to think of something appropriate to say. After a time, she looked up at Matt with wide eyes. "Sorry."

"You always say that," he let out a breath. "Stop being sorry for everything. If anything, I should be sorry. I just didn't expect you to yell at me like that."

A small smile ghosted across Bailey's lips. "Thanks for yelling back."

"What? Did you hit your head while you were out today?"

"No," she laughed lightly. "But everyone else is scared to get mad at me. Well, everyone aside from Angel. They think I'm too fragile or something. I'm not used to being viewed that way. It was nice to have someone stand up to me. I don't want people to baby me for the rest of my life. I'm not that breakable."

"I've never thought of you as fragile, Bailey."

She gently lowered herself back down onto the couch. Taking a few deep breaths, she looked up at him again. "To address your earlier question, he never blatantly lied to me about being gay. He avoided it at first, but eventually he confessed. That lie wouldn't have bothered me so much. What actually happened was that the two of us were friends with a guy named Allan for awhile. And then one night, Allan asked me to go to a movie. At this point, Spencer was still kind of hiding the fact that he was gay. Even from me. And I knew that Allan was gay, so I didn't see the harm in going to a movie with him. When we were on the way to the theatre, he started asking me about Spencer, and if he'd said anything about what they'd done together. Allan told me that Spencer had kissed him at a party, and then had stopped talking to him afterward. So, naturally, I asked Spencer about it. Spencer told me that it wasn't true, and I believed him. Why shouldn't I? Of course I was going to believe the kid that I'd known for six years over the kid that I'd known for six months. Anyways, Allan got mad that I didn't believe him, the two of us had a huge fight, and he stopped spending time with Spencer and I. It was over a year later that Spencer admitted that he lied to me, and the whole thing was true. He made me lose a friend."

Matt sat next to her and rested a hand on her knee. "Friends fight, Bailey. It happens. And you're right; everyone lies sometimes. But in the end it was worth it, right? If you hadn't believed Spencer, it could have been him that you lost."

"I lost him anyway," her voice cracked.

"But you got some good memories out of it. You believed him because you wanted to, not because he made you."

"Back then he could have told me that he hung the moon and I would have believed him. It was right at the time where I knew that he was gay, but I didn't want to force him to tell me. I told him that I'd believe him if he said that he was straight. I was scared to make him feel uncomfortable about it, so I genuinely would have believed him, no matter what he told me. I knew that he was the best friend I'd ever had, and I was terrified to lose that. If only I'd known what was coming."

Matt watched her in silence for a minute. He seemed to be waiting for her to continue. When she didn't, he spoke. "You couldn't have prevented it, you know. It was his time."

"I would do anything to bring him back." She closed her eyes, trying desperately to trap her emotions inside.

"I know, but you know that it won't happen," he murmured gently, reaching up and brushing her hair back from her face. "It's getting late, Bailey. You should try and get some sleep."

"I don't know if I can sleep now. I usually spend my nights avoiding any thoughts of Spencer. Now all I've done is talk about him. I know that I'm going to have nightmares, and in turn, that makes me think about him more. It's a vicious cycle."

"I'll be right out here if you need me."

Bailey turned to look at him, peering through her blonde eyelashes. "I still don't get how you can sleep on this thing every night. I got it for free from my sister-in-law's parents. It's rock hard. Not to mention ugly."

"It beats the floor."

She rolled her eyes. "Let's be realistic here, Matt. You sleep in my bed from two o'clock in the morning until the time we wake up. Why don't you just sleep there all the time? It's not like I'm going to rape you, I just feel bad that you're stuck out here on this gross couch."

"Well," he seemed to be mentally weighing the pros and cons of the situation. "I guess it kind of makes sense, doesn't it?"

Bailey nodded. "It's logical."

Without waiting for another response, Bailey got to her feet and went to her bedroom. She took a clean pair of pajama pants from a drawer and grabbed a tank top from her closet before slipping into the bathroom to get changed. When she emerged, she found Matt standing awkwardly at the foot of her bed.

"This seems easier when you're delirious. And half asleep."

"Oh, that sounds reassuring," she said sardonically, getting into bed and covering herself with the blankets.

"I didn't mean it like that," he scowled.

"Sure, sure."

When Bailey awoke later on, panting and in a cold sweat, Matt had his arms around her before she even had time to process her dream. Without a word, she curled up against his chest and drifted back to sleep.

What was the point in talking when she couldn't even remember why she was scared?