The Softer Side of Unbearable

It was almost a week later when Matt shook Bailey gently from her slumber.

"Wake up, Bailey," his voice was soft and calm. That alone was enough to confuse Bailey. She was used to people sounding petrified when they woke her up.

Her eyelids fluttered open and she looked up at his smiling face. There was a bit of stubble lining his jaw, and his eyes looked heavy from sleep, but otherwise he appeared to be completely normal.

Everything was light.

"What time is it?" She asked, sitting up and running a hand through her matted hair.

"It's nine-thirty," Matt's tone was bubbling with happiness. "You slept through the entire night."

She paused to look around. She was looking for her clock, almost as if it were going to prove Matt's statement to be false. It did just the opposite.

"No nightmares," she murmured dreamily. "Matt! You did it!" She yelled suddenly, throwing her arms around his neck and pulling him into a crushing hug.

"What are you talking about?" Matt laughed. "You did it, Bailey. All I did was give you someone to talk to. I just hope that it stays like this. I don't want to jinx anything."

"It doesn't even matter!" Bailey was suddenly up off of the bed, in a rush to start her day. "I haven't slept through the entire night in months! I can't believe how good it feels!"

She grabbed her towel from the back of her door and hurried off toward the bathroom. Matt was still sitting up in bed, watching in confusion. He couldn't remember the last time she had been so excited. She actually looked happy. The smile on his face widened as he saw her delighted facial expression.

When he didn't hear the water turn on in the bathroom for nearly ten minutes, however, he began to grow concerned. He got up from the plush mattress and stretched his arms above his head as he headed toward the closed door. He knocked carefully against the white surface.

"Bailey? Are you okay in there?"

There was a pause, then the door opened before him. Bailey stood there, still fully clothed, with downcast eyes. The happiness had vanished completely from her features. She seemed to have reverted back into the broken girl that he had seen at the funeral. His breath caught as he reached out and touched her cheek tenderly.

"I feel guilty," she mumbled, still looking down at her bare feet.

"But why?"

"Anything and everything that I do is something that he can never do again. And I shouldn't be happy when he's not here. It's just not right. I know that everyone feels like that when they lose someone, but it's not something that I can just ignore. He made me happy. The only thing that I thought would make me better would be to finish that song for him, and I can't even do that! I shouldn't be allowed to feel good when I can't even do something simple for his memory."

It was silent for a time, and neither of them knew what to say. Bailey sighed and forced a shaky smile.

"It's kind of dumb, huh?" She managed a half-hearted laugh.

"No, it's not dumb. It's a big deal to try and face life when you feel alone. But you're not alone," he told her.

Bailey finally met his eyes. "I don't feel alone. Actually, I haven't truly felt alone in awhile. It's hard to feel that way when you're here with me."

"I'm glad."

"I'm going to go and have my shower now. Thanks again, Matt. I'm really happy that I didn't have nightmares. That's all because of you," her smile then was genuine.

"Hey, I have to run and take care of a few things. What time do you want me to come back tonight?" Matt asked before she had a chance to close the door.

"Well I was thinking that I should actually cook supper tonight," she mused, more to herself than to him. "I've been eating nothing but fast food and take out lately; it's worse than being on tour. But if you want," she looked up at him. "You could come for dinner. Unless you have other plans, then don't worry about it."

Matt nodded. "I'll be here."

Filled with a new drive, Bailey devoted most of her day to working on Spencer's song. She had never had such a hard time writing music before, aside from the time that her deadline was approaching and the pressure got to her. Back then, she'd had Josh to help her. But now she didn't want any help. This song had to be from her, and only her. She was the only one that could properly depict what she felt about Spencer.

She didn't take a break until she realized that she needed to get started on dinner. She hadn't gotten very far when she heard the apartment door open. Matt was home early.

"Bailey?" Matt dropped the grocery bags that he'd been carrying and rushed to her side. "What's wrong? What happened?"

She looked up at him in confusion, then finally noticed that her eyes were burning. She gestured to the cutting board on the counter in front of her. "I'm not crying, I'm just cutting onions. What did you bring?"

"Oh, sorry. I just saw tears and I thought... never mind. I picked up some groceries. I finished your milk this morning, and I thought you could use some other stuff."

"You really didn't have to do that. I could have gone shopping myself. How much did it cost? I'll go grab my wallet."

"No, this is on me. I just told you that I used all of your milk in my cereal; I eat more of your food than you do. I owe you this."

Bailey snorted, returning to the onion she'd been chopping. "I used to eat Spencer's food all the time. I paid him back by buying his meals when he came on tour. I'll find a way to pay you back for the groceries."

"No, you won't."

"Keep telling yourself that."

Matt looked around at the mess she'd made in the kitchen. "What are you cooking?"

"Oh, you know, a little of this, and a little of that. Go watch TV or something. I'll let you know when it's ready."

Matt watched her work for a moment. "Do you need any help?"

She smiled to herself as she dumped the sliced onion into a saucepan and turned on the burner. "Really, I'm not making anything complicated. Thanks, but I've got this."

He waited another long minute before shrugging and gathering up his discarded grocery bags. While Bailey cooked, he put his purcahses away in the appropriate cupboards. At first, Bailey couldn't fathom how he knew where everything went. But he'd been there every day for weeks; surely he had gotten hungry at some point and went searching for something to eat.

When the food had been put away, Matt disappeared into the next room. Bailey could soon hear the muted sounds of the television.

As she set the table an hour later, she wondered vaguely why she had even bothered to buy one. Even when she'd cooked for herself at home, she'd always wound up balancing her plate in her lap as she sat on the couch to eat in front of the TV. She wasn't one to eat in silence, and it was incredibly rare for her to have guests for dinner. Until now.

Matt's mouth fell open when he saw what she had prepared. "Nothing complicated, huh?"

Bailey rolled her eyes. "Oh, please. Just because it looks gourmet, that doesn't mean it was hard." She had made French onion soup for an appetizer, followed by lasagna, Caesar salad, and garlic bread. She knew that she wouldn't have an appetite at all after the soup, but she didn't know how much Matt could eat. And she was okay with eating leftovers for a few days.

"Are we supposed to eat all of this?"

Bailey laughed. "I thought guys were always hungry."

"That is very untrue. I get the feeling I'm about to eat too much and do nothing for the rest of the night."

"As long as you don't get sick in my bed, it's okay with me."

As they sat down to eat, Bailey felt content. She had made great strides in her songwriting, and she was happy to be able to do something nice for Matt. She felt like she was finally waking up from the stupor that Spencer's death had left her in.

Her chest still ached, and she still missed him every minute, but now her attempts at distraction were beginning to work. She was able to concentrate on other things without having her thoughts interrupted by a painful reminder that he was gone. Maybe, just maybe, there would come a day where she would feel normal again.