The Softer Side of Unbearable

Bailey stood on the front step, nearly hyperventilating. Josh patted her shoulder reassuringly, and Matt looked her in the eyes calmly.

"Come on, Bailey. You can do this."

She curled her fingers into fists, squeezing until her nails bit harshly into her palms. The pain seemed to take away her fear momentarily.

"Okay," she nodded slowly. "Let's go."

Jeff took the lead and knocked loudly and purposefully on the door. For a long time, there was no answer. Jeff tried again, even louder this time. Bailey could hear the knocking echo inside the small house.

"What?" Angel's voice was harsh and almost angry.

Bailey cringed, and Josh squeezed her shoulder again.

"It's us, Angel," Jeff announced. "We need to talk."

"No, we don't," Angel retorted. The door remained firmly closed.

"Yes, we do," Bailey argued, finding her voice.

"You're wasting your breath. Go away."

Jeff sighed heavily and let his hand rest on the doorknob. "Just open up, okay? We have a few things to say, and then we'll leave you alone. I promise."

There was a pause, and everyone standing on the doorstep waited anxiously. With a click, the lock slid back and the door opened under Jeff's long fingers.

"Make it quick," Angel muttered, slipping farther inside the shadows of the house.

Everyone else shuffled inside and gathered in the living room. The lighting was dim; the curtains were drawn and a lone lamp was glowing ominously in one corner. Angel stood with her back to them, her arms crossed and her head hanging low. Jeff and Bailey stood together while Josh and Matt hung back and observed.

"Angel," Bailey began, clearing her throat loudly before continuing. "I'm really sorry for the way that I've been distant lately. I know that no excuse is good enough. I lost one friend and sacrificed everyone else in my misery. I just want you to know that I'm here to make it right. I want to make up for it, but you've got to be patient with me." She tried to keep her voice calm. In the back of her mind, there was a nagging voice reminding her of the fact that Angel hadn't bothered to fight for her when the tables had been turned.

Angel didn't respond.

"Can you at least act like you care?" Jeff asked, losing patience. "We're here to talk some sense into you; to get our best friend back. Would it kill you to even pretend that it makes you feel something?"

When Angel spun around to face them for the first time, Bailey gasped audibly and stumbled backwards. Someone caught her, but she couldn't focus her thoughts enough to find out who it was. In the few days since they'd been face-to-face, noticeable changes had occurred in Angel's slim face.

Her left cheek had a large, flaking scab, as though she had been picking at the tender skin regularly. Her lips were pale and chapped so badly that there was blood gathered in the corners. Her tongue flicked over them nervously.

"What?" She snapped irritably. "You've got my attention, so talk."

"I..." Bailey fumbled, blinking rapidly as if it would fix the distorted image before her. "Are you okay?"

Angel reached up and scratched at the corner of her jaw, where a new scab was starting to appear. "I'm fine. Is that all you came here for?"

"Angel," Josh stepped up beside Bailey bravely. "I know that you and I have had our differences, but we seem to have something in common. I can help you."

She snorted and picked the scab again. "Oh, here we go. Saint Ramsay is going to purify the sinner, right? Save me the sermon. I don't want to hear it. You guys can leave now."

"We're not leaving," Bailey said defiantly. "I'm not going to lose you, Angel. I can't live through that again."

"Okay, drama queen," Angel paused to chuckle lightly at her own comment. "I'm fine, you're not losing anyone. Calm down and get over it."

Jeff folded his arms across his muscular chest and frowned at the tiny girl in front of him. "We're serious. I refuse to play another song with you until you get help."

"You're bluffing."

"Want to bet?"

"Angel," Bailey cut in again. "You're sick. Have you looked in a mirror lately? This isn't healthy! I'm scared to touch you because I think I'll break you. Does that seem normal to you?"

Angel stuck out her pale, skinny arm. "Try it. Go on, try and hurt me. It won't work. I'm not a glass sculpture, you know."

"That's not my point," Bailey said in exasperation, brushing her hair out of her face. "I'm with Jeff on this one; the band is on hiatus until you go to rehab."

"How is that going to help anything? I'm just going to go right back to this once I get out of there."

"You think that now, but it’s not true," Josh told her. "You'll get to a point where you realize that you can't have both. It's either the music or the drugs, and it's up to you to figure out which one is more important."

"I can have whatever I want, okay?" Angel spat defiantly. "Your threats aren't going to faze me. You guys can't give up the band any easier than I can. This won't stick, and I'll just wind up proving to you that I can handle both. I'm tougher than you give me credit for."

Matt, who had been silent throughout the entire conversation, spoke up. "You're wrong. Take it from me; I've been the guy who had to watch it all happen. It's even harder to witness it than it is to be the person going through it. You weren't there when Josh was addicted to heroin, but I was. I wish that I'd thought to sacrifice the band for him, but he was so far gone that I didn't think I could help him. You're lucky that your friends are stepping in this soon. They're trying to help you before it goes too far."

Surprised by his sudden involvement in the discussion, Bailey gaped up at him. He, of course, had been the one that had stood behind her. He glanced down at her with sad eyes. In all the times that she’d talked to Josh about his addiction in the past few days, she had never once paused to consider how it had affected Matt. Which was completely ridiculous, now that she thought about it. He probably understood what she and Jeff were feeling better than anyone else. He knew exactly what it was like to face the idea of losing a band mate and friend.

“I get that you guys are worried,” Angel said, looking completely unaffected by Matt’s sorrowful words. “But this is a waste of time. You want to know what will help? Let’s play some shows. Get me back out on that stage. We should have done it months ago. Apparently, this is what I do with my spare time when I get bored. If you’re really planning to split up the band, you’re just going to push me further away. If you’re not willing to get back out there and play music, then there’s no point in being here. You can go home.”

Bailey felt her empathy ebb, and she once again became frustrated. Instead of blowing up the way she had with Jeff over the phone, she bit her tongue firmly.

“Then I guess we’re leaving, aren’t we?”

Jeff stared at her with wide eyes. “What?”

Bailey nodded sternly. “You heard her, we’re wasting our time. She doesn’t want to listen, and I’m done trying. She expects me to bend over backwards to try and convince her, but a few months ago she was nowhere to be found when I needed her. Why should I waste my time and effort when she wasn’t willing to do the same for me? I’ve had enough.”

Jeff watched her as she shook her head at Angel, then turned and wrenched open the front door. Sunlight flooded the entryway of the small house, and Bailey disappeared into the bright outdoors. She was pulling open Josh’s car door when Matt caught up with her.

“Are you really going to let her fail?” His voice was soft; he wasn’t trying to change her mind, he was trying to find out what she was thinking.

Her shoulders slumped in defeat. “I don’t know, Matt. I don’t want to leave her like this; honestly it terrifies me. But I just can’t keep trying when she’s so set against getting better. I can’t keep running my mouth off when she’s not even listening. If she wants to keep killing herself, who am I to stop her?”

Matt waited patiently while she climbed into the backseat of the car. She shut the door and leaned her forehead against the window. It wasn’t long before Josh and Jeff joined Matt outside. Bailey could hear the three of them discussing her exit in muted tones. She wasn’t really concerned about what was being said; she already knew that they thought she was being somewhat unreasonable. She had, after all, just given up on the health and safety of one of her best friends.

Jeff got into his own car, which was parked right in front of Josh’s. He sat in the driver’s seat and stared intently at Angel’s front door. Josh and Matt joined Bailey in the car, and Matt turned around in the front seat and looked at Bailey, as though he were waiting for her to speak.

“I’m not giving up on her completely,” she whispered. “I’ve just finally admitted that I’m kind of powerless. I can’t stop her from doing what she wants. I can’t stop her from dying. I couldn’t help Spencer, and I can’t help Angel.”

Matt turned to look at Josh. The two men pondered Bailey’s epiphany in silence. Neither of them had expected her to feel this way. It seemed that Bailey had found her breaking point. They couldn’t blame her. Even the strongest people can only handle so much.