The Softer Side of Unbearable

Bailey shoved her hands deep into her pockets. She wrapped her fingers around her cell phone. Somehow, that made her feel a bit better. If things got too hard, she could call Matt or her brother. Someone would surely be able to make her feel better.

Jeff held the door open for her, and she stepped inside of the institution. She shivered.

"I don't like this place," she whispered.

"Try being stuck in here like Angel is," Jeff countered.

Bailey narrowed her eyes. "She's here to get help, Jeff. I'm here to visit someone that I can't even talk about without getting angry. There's a big difference."

"Calm down. Going in there pissed off won't help anyone."

"Going in there at all might not help anyone," she murmured under her breath. Regardless, she followed Jeff up to the front desk. She waited patiently while Jeff spoke to a receptionist. All the while, she kept her cell phone locked tightly in her grasp.

Jeff nodded at her and the two of them headed down a nearby hallway. He kept his eyes on the door numbers, while Bailey took the time to look around. In one room, there was a group session. Bailey caught a snippet of the conversation.

"I've been sober for two days," a tall, hollow-eyed man confessed. "But I can't find the strength to feel accomplished. I just feel thirsty all the time. I still want it."

A healthy-looking woman, perhaps the only one in the room, smiled proudly at him. "Thank you for sharing, Jacob. We all understand how much you want a drink. But the thing that you have to remember is, you no longer need it."

Bailey forced herself to keep walking. She was beginning to feel that she herself was in need of a strong drink. Jeff stopped suddenly, and Bailey barely avoided crashing into him. He faced her with a strained expression on his face.

"Are you ready?"

She chewed her bottom lip. "Let's get it over with," she said.

Jeff knocked on the door. There was no response, so he carefully turned the knob and pushed his way inside. Bailey followed, feeling her insides churn. Angel was sitting on a thin mattress along one wall. She was staring at a notepad in front of her. She looked frail and frustrated, but she no longer had the dead look in her eyes that Bailey had grown accustomed to.

"Angel?"

The tiny girl looked up, her eyes widening as she saw who had come to visit her. A genuine smile broke across her face, lighting up her entire haggard appearance. She leapt to her feet and threw her arms around Jeff.

"Oh, my God!" She exclaimed, sounding exuberant. "You guys came!" Angel released her hold on Jeff and embraced Bailey. "You have no idea how happy I am to see you guys."

Bailey managed to half-heartedly hug her back. "How are you doing? Are the withdrawals bad?"

"Terrible," Angel admitted, letting Bailey go. "If I wasn't locked up in here, there's no way that I could have quit. I would have gone crawling back to it every hour if I could have."

"But you haven't," Jeff pointed out. "That means something, doesn't it?"

Angel sat back down on the edge of her bed. She was impossibly thin, and now that the smile was cleaned from her face, the destruction on her body was prominent. She looked as if she would fall apart at any moment.

"I want to go home," she said, her quiet voice barely audible. "More than anything, I want to sleep in my own bed and see my family. I want to be trusted. Nobody trusts you in here. They pretend to, but they know that you're a victim of your own cravings and withdrawals. They know that you can't function properly, and you can't even have a conversation for the first while. Until you're under control, you're just another patient. I think I still am."

"You look better," Jeff told her. Bailey kept her eyes on the floor, trying not to point out just how untrue his comment was. In her opinion, Angel looked worse. She didn't have any fight in her anymore. She was weak. It seemed that she had to give up in order to finally receive help.

"I feel awful," Angel said. "I'm just starting to be able to keep food down, but I hardly eat anything. I can't sleep. I'm just ill."

Jeff nudged Bailey, urging her to say something.

Bailey swallowed dryly. "When you get out, things will be better," she said finally.

"Do you think so?" Angel didn't look hopeful. "Because I don't know if we can go back to normal."

"You're right," Bailey nodded. "We can't go back. Too much has changed. But we can still be a band, at the very least."

"Yeah," Angel agreed, trying to smile through her exhaustion. "Maybe we can."

Bailey lingered close to the door for the duration of their visit. She was so uncomfortable in her surroundings. Everything was depressing and sterile, including their conversation. She was itching to leave long before Jeff fished his keys out of his pocket and announced their imminent departure.

Bailey gave Angel a stiff nod and bid her goodbye, then she turned and left. She was outside in the parking lot, leaning against the passenger door of Jeff's car long before he joined her. He unlocked the doors, and she slid inside. She leaned her head against the window pane and closed her eyes.

"I'm glad that you came," Jeff said as he started the engine. "I think it was important that she saw both of us making an effort."

Bailey didn't bother opening her eyes. "Good. I hope it helped."

"Are you okay?"

"I'm just tired."

"You'll be back at your brother's place soon."

She didn't respond. She wondered vaguely if she was a bad person for being relieved to be away from Angel. Then she decided that it didn't really matter. As long as Angel was in rehab, Bailey was going to feel awkward around her.

Her phone rang loudly, slicing through the silence in the car. She yanked it from her pocket and pressed it to her ear, grateful for the distraction. She assumed that it would be her brother calling to make sure that she was alright. She was pleasantly surprised to hear Matt's voice on the other end.

"Hey, Bailey, what are you up to today? Is Gavin keeping you busy?"

She smiled to herself. "Normally, yes, he keeps me occupied. But today Jeff showed up. We went to visit Angel. We're on the way back now."

There was a tense silence for a moment. "How did it go?" Matt asked carefully.

"Let's just say I'm happy it's over. How was your day?"

"We've already done our sound check. The first opener is about to go on. So far it's been a good day, but the best part is still coming."

"I'm glad that you're having a good day. Break a leg tonight."

"I will. Feel better, okay? I'll call you tomorrow."

"Bye, Matt."

Bailey hung up, putting her phone back in her pocket. She looked straight ahead through the windshield, allowing the quiet to settle once again. Nobody spoke until the car was stopped in front of Bailey's brother's house. She faced Jeff and smiled.

"I hope we accomplished something today."

He nodded his agreement. "Thank you for coming with me, Bailey. I didn't want to face her alone."

"I'll go with you again, if it will help. It's more for you than for her, but I'll go. Just try to call first next time."

"Deal," Jeff smiled. He seemed hopeful. Whatever he had seen in Angel seemed to be something completely different from what Bailey had witnessed.

She got out of the vehicle and hurried inside, relieved to be back in the safety of the familiar house. Gavin came rushing around the corner to greet her. She caught him in a hug.

"Mommy let me stay up until you got home," he told her.

"Well then it's time for bed, isn't it?"

He smiled widely. "No, I don't want to go to bed yet. Where did that boy go? He was weird."

"He went back home."

"How did it go?" Brian asked, walking in the room and taking Gavin from her grip. He heaved his son up onto his shoulders. Gavin squealed happily.

"I would drink an entire brewery if I had access to it," she said.

"That good, huh?" Brian gave her a sympathetic look. "You can pour a drink. I'll be right there. I've just got to put this little guy to bed."

"No!" Gavin yelled out.

Melanie appeared, giving her husband a tired look. "Pass him to me. I'll put him to bed."

"Are you sure?" Brian asked, maneuvering his child from Gavin's perch atop his shoulders and passing him to Melanie.

"You gave him his bath tonight. It's my turn. Come on, sweetie, let's go read a story."

Melanie and Gavin headed off to his bedroom, while Brian and Bailey made their way into the kitchen. They each mixed a drink and then sat down at the table to chat.

"She looks awful," Bailey said.

"Her body is in shock, Bailey. She quit meth cold turkey. You had to expect that she wouldn't look her best."

"Yeah, but it was really hard to see. I don't want to see people at their weakest."

"People can't be strong all the time," he said softly.

"I know. More than anything, I know. It just doesn't seem right to see her that way. It didn't seem like her at all."

"She'll get better," Brian assured her. "Just giver her some time."

"I can do that."