The Softer Side of Unbearable

Matt pulled Bailey out of her stupor once again. He helped her prepare for the upcoming holidays, and he prevented her from falling back into her grieving as Christmas Eve approached. He took her everywhere, even if it was just to go downstairs to pick up the mail.

Every trip that Bailey made to his apartment meant that more of her things got left behind. She began to purposely put things in her spot in his closet. The thought of it still frightened her a bit, but she knew that Matt would probably be the person that would clean out her apartment if anything had happened to her. He was going to have to go through everything either way.

Bailey watched from the sidelines as Jeff nursed Angel back to health. She felt detached from them; separate. They were no longer her band, and the more she thought about it, the more she realized that they hadn't been her friends in a long time either.

Matt agreed to spend Christmas with Bailey's family that year. She felt that it was time that he met her parents, and Gavin had been begging her to arrange another play date. Besides that, she owed everyone a normal holiday after she had bolted in the middle of dinner the year before.

Before they could leave the city, however, Matt knew that she had one place that she had to visit. He drove his truck, which was loaded up with presents, down the winding road. The tree limbs hung low overhead, weighed down with the fresh, wet snow that was falling. He pulled to a stop and cut the engine. When Bailey hopped out, she found that the air was pleasant. It had the clean, crisp scent that comes with the cold of winter. A light breeze brushed her cheeks.

"I never thought I would be happy to be here," she whispered.

"Go and talk to him," Matt urged gently. "I'll wait here."

"You don't want to see him?"

He smiled. "I'll come along next time. Today, he needs you more."

Bailey nodded, then turned and faced the rows of headstones. She stepped off of the path, leaving footsteps through the white layer of snow as she walked. Her pace was uncertain, and she wavered off course more than once. The noises of the city somehow didn't reach her here. The silence was relaxing.

When she reached her destination, she carefully got down on her knees. There were a few bouquets decorating the grave; others had obviously come this morning to honour the anniversary. Bailey laid down her own flowers, then cleared her throat awkwardly.

"Hey, Spencer. It's me. Bailey. I know that I haven't been here, and I'm sorry about that. It's just... I'm not as strong as I thought that I was. Everything has been hard enough without facing you. You would be disappointed in me, I think. I'm not in a band anymore. I can say goodbye to that fame and fortune that we always dreamed about. But I'm starting to be okay with it. Maybe I can finally get a real job and be around more. I know that Gavin would like it if I get to see him more often. And I'm pretty sure that you would have liked it, too. Maybe I'll be able to visit you more.

"I've been a bad friend, haven't I? First, I haven't visited you since you came here. Then, I gave up on Angel completely. I really believe that she'll relapse. I can't shake it. I don't know what it is, but I feel like she's doomed. Or maybe I'm the one that's a goner.

"But not everything is complete shit, you know. I've got Matt. I can just imagine you, sitting at your kitchen table and laughing at me while I told you some of the things that have happened," Bailey paused, smiling a little bit at the image. "You would have been happy about it. Maybe you would have been proud of me for sticking with someone as much as I stuck with music. Maybe that would have balanced out your disappointment in me.

"I love you so much, Spencer. I miss you every day. I still wish that I could hug you, and I wish that you were here to talk to when things get hard. Okay, that sounds dumb. I'm talking to you right now. But I wish that you could talk back. I miss your advice. I miss everything.

"I still can't figure out why things worked out this way. I still feel like you left while I needed you. But the truth is, if you waited until I didn't need you, you would never have the chance to go. I hope you're happy. I hope you're at peace. I hope you're watching over me, because I sure as hell need it," Bailey began to cry.

"I'm trying, Spencer. I'm trying so hard to keep it together and to lead a life that would make you proud. I want to be able to do all the things that you never got the chance to. But it's not easy. I'm hanging on by a thread, and I know that if it weren't for Matt I would unravel completely. I want you to be here with me so badly. I want you to be alive.

"It's been a whole year, you know that? I never thought I would make it this long. And then when everything else happened... I really can't believe that I'm still here. Or that you're still gone. Matt isn't a replacement, you know. He's something else to me entirely. He's the one that I'm going to spend my life with. He might not know that yet, but I do. He's all that I've got. But he'll never be what you were to me. There's always going to be a hole in my chest where you used to be. But your memory is still there, and sometimes it hurts a little less. Sometimes it hurts more, though. There are times, when I wake up in the middle of the night or when I'm just about to fall asleep, when it doesn't hurt at all. I think I forget. I get a few seconds of bliss, and then it all comes back to me.

"I'm trying something new. I've learned that I can't change the past. I can't bring you back, no matter how much I cry and plead and beg. But I can try to live for you. I won't be famous, but Matt will. So I'll live that part of my life through him, and I'll live everything else for you. I'll settle down and have kids and have a career, and I'll really live. For the first time in my life, I'll be alive. I don't mean that I never lived before. Being on stage, and taking you along on tour; those things made me truly happy. But this will be different. Maybe it's time for me to grow up.

"I'll come back soon. I promise this time. But right now, Matt is waiting to take me to my parents' house. Merry Christmas, Spencer. I love you."

She brought her fingers to her lips, then pressed them against the cold stone that marked his grave. Bailey got to her feet clumsily and found that her jeans were wet with melted snow. She wiped her eyes and tried to compose herself before she began to walk back to the truck.

Matt was leaning against the passenger door, holding a blanket. When Bailey approached, he wrapped it around her shoulders and held her close.

"You did good, Bailey."

"I love you, Matt."

He pressed his lips against her forehead. "And I love you."

Bailey climbed back into the truck and felt as though she were truly turning over a new leaf. She had made peace with most of her demons, and she was ready to face what came next. Just as long as Matt was there to help her when she stumbled.

She stayed true to her word, and she still visits Spencer's grave at least twice a year.

Two years later, on Christmas Eve, Matt proposed to Bailey. She accepted, feeling that he was still the only thing that she had done right in the three years since Spencer's death.

By the time that Angel finally did relapse, she had completely lost contact with Bailey. In fact, the only reason that Bailey even found out was because Jeff posted the dreary news on his Facebook account. Angel, who had taken her relationship with Jeff even further and become his girlfriend, disappeared one night leaving nothing but a note. She explained to Jeff that she simply wasn't happy, and that she hadn't been since before the band had split up. Four days later, her family and friends watched in horror as a news reporter explained that her body had been found in a city park, and that Angel had fatally overdosed. Bailey paid her respects at the funeral, and offered to help in any way that she could. This time wasn't so hard. It wasn't unexpected, and Angel wasn't a close friend any more. Bailey had been prepared, and Matt held her hand through everything. He was so much more than her support system by then.

Bailey had a few jobs over the years, but none of them stuck. By the time she discovered that she was pregnant, she gave up on work altogether. Matt was successful both with Marianas Trench and his solo project, and he made enough money to support their growing family.

A summer thunderstorm in mid-July signalled the birth of their first child. When the doctor handed Bailey a healthy, squirming baby girl, she had looked up at Matt with nothing but happiness in her gaze. He had smiled down at her and kissed her hair.

"I think she's a Spencer," he said softly.

Bailey looked down at her daughter and stifled her tears. "Thank you, Matt. Spencer is perfect. She is perfect."

Five months later, they made it official and tied the knot. Matt wanted to get married on Christmas Eve, but Bailey felt that it was already too big of a day in her life. Instead, they got married on Boxing Day. Josh was Matt's best man, and Bailey asked her sister-in-law Melanie to be her matron of honour. Gavin- despite his claims that he was too old for such a chore - was the ring bearer, and baby Spencer was the honourary flower girl.

Bailey found that it was easy to settle into her life as a wife and mother. Maybe that was where she was meant to be all along. She raised her daughter the best way that she knew how, and she hoped that she was doing a good job. Spencer was her way of carrying on her best friend's legacy.

Matt and Bailey had been married for nine months when it happened. She was lying in bed next to him, the night after he had returned from a tour. The baby monitor was playing a soothing song from the Glow Worm in Spencer's crib. Spencer had been sleeping through the night for months, and Bailey's life had been a lot easier by the time she had to deal with everything without Matt. He was watching some sports news show, and he gave her a smile that held nothing but love and admiration.

Bailey noticed, in that moment, that her life was amazing. She no longer spent her days moping and sad. She had everything that she needed: a good man that loved her, and a baby that she adored more than anything. For the first time in a long time, life was easy. Everything worked out in the end.

She was happy.