The Softer Side of Unbearable

There was a gentle knock at the door of Bailey's apartment. The curtains in her bedroom had been pulled so tightly that she wasn't entirely sure if it was day or night outside. She was curled into a tiny ball in the center of her mattress. If she hadn't had to go to the bathroom or force down scraps of food and water, she wouldn't have moved at all in days.

"Bailey? If you don't open up, I'm going to break this door down."

The voice was too calm, too rational, to be serious. Bailey tried to speak, but her throat was so dry that only a wisp of air escaped her voice box. The door was unlocked; what did she care if someone robbed the place? Would it really matter if someone found her there and killed her? Nothing was worse than what she was feeling inside. Anything would be better than her own emotions.

The knocking continued, but after a moment she heard the click of the door sliding back into the frame. She knew that someone was going to find her any minute, and that she probably looked like a trainwreck, but she couldn't find the energy to care. She was allowed to be a slob right now. She was heartbroken.

"How long have you been in bed?"

Bailey swallowed in an attempt to moisten her throat so she could properly respond. "I think I'm coming up on three days. I'm not sure. What day is it today?"

"I came to get you for Spencer's funeral," Josh sounded sympathetic. He sat next to her on the mattress and patted her shoulder. "You need to have a shower and get ready, okay?"

"I don't want to go. I can't watch them put him in the ground. I just can't do it."

"I know it's hard, but we're all going to be there with you. Your friends and family are all going to be there to help you through. Besides, you agreed to write a eulogy about him. Did you come up with anything?"

Bailey blinked a few times, then shrugged half-heartedly. "I'll wing it. I'm usually good under pressure."

"Okay, I'll give you the benefit of the doubt. Now go have a shower. It's a good thing I came here really early. I figured you might need some help."

Bailey turned over a bit to look at him. She held out her hand to him. Josh gave her a puzzled glance, and she dropped her cell phone onto his outstretched palm. "Can you just take that away from me for a little while?"

He still appeared to be confused, but he took it from her nonetheless.

"He's the first person on my speed dial. It's way too easy for me to call him. I used to hope that he would pick up, but he never does. So now I call just to hear his voice when the voice mail answers. I'm not ready to delete his number, but I just can't hear that message anymore right now," she explained, sniffling a bit. "I love the sound, but it kills me a little more everytime he doesn't pick up and tell me it's all some sick joke."

Josh held her cell phone tightly. His eyes tightened, like he was holding something back. "You go and get ready. I'll be waiting when you're finished."

Bailey nodded and forced herself off of the mattress. As soon as she was without the protective cover of her blankets, she felt exposed. Everything was raw and painful, and she had nowhere to hide.

She didn't really understand why people thought that hot showers were so soothing and cleansing. Instead of making her feel better, it was taunting her. As the scalding water pelted her skin, it only reminded her of how cold she was on the inside.

She had broken down and cried the day before. Until that point, she had been firmly in the middle of a desert of denial. She was alone, but she felt that Spencer would show up at any moment to tell her otherwise. Once it had finally sunken in, she had done nothing but sob. Now she was aching all over from the effort. She believed that she had no tears left inside of her, so she took the time to put on a bit of make up. Maybe if she didn't look so defeated and depressed, people would believe she wasn't so broken.

When she finally left the bathroom, dressed appropriately in black from head to toe, she heard Josh's voice coming from her kitchen. He sounded angry.

"For Christ's sake, Angel, what the hell were you thinking? How long has it been since you tried to talk to her? Somebody should have been watching her!" There was a pause as Angel tried to explain her side. "No, it's not okay! If you saw what I did when I walked in here today, you wouldn't think it was so easy to ignore." Another pause. "Yes, I do think you guys are ignoring her. She's your bandmate, not to mention your friend. You should have been there for her. Don't pretend for one second that she isn't always there for you. She really needed someone, and you abandoned her." He huffed, then took a deep breath to calm himself down. "Don't apologize to me, it's a wasted effort. I'm not leaving her alone anymore. If she's been trying to call him for all this time, God only knows what she'll do after the funeral. I'm worried about her. And you should be too."

Unable to listen anymore, Bailey slunk into the kitchen. Josh looked up at her and gave her a soft smile.

"I'll talk to you later," he said into the phone before punching a button and disconnecting the call. "You look pretty, Bailey."

"Thank you," she muttered pitifully. "I still don't want to go."

"You won't forgive yourself if you miss it. Go pack a bag, okay?"

"Why?"

"I want you to stay at my place for a few days. It's not right for you to be by yourself all the time."

"I'm fine, Josh. I like staying in bed all day. It's oddly comforting."

"Just humor me. Go pack a bag."

Bailey leaned against the countertop. "I talked to Spencer every day for almost a decade. These past few days were the hardest of my life. All I want is to talk to him one last time. I wish I could tell him how much I love him and be able to have a proper goodbye. I feel like I'm the one that died. Do you think that he would be like this if the situation were reversed? Everything always seemed to roll off his back. He probably wouldn't stop his life over it, but I just can't seem to focus on anything at all. Thinking too much hurts. Everything hurts."

Josh couldn't find anything comforting enough to say, so he merely pulled her in close and hugged her tightly. Bailey closed her eyes and breathed deeply, trying to calm herself down. Now that she believed that Spencer was really gone, she didn't know how to handle it. She was well aware of the usual stages of grief, but somehow she felt that her grief was too large to follow the norm. She wasn't angry; she didn't think that was possible. He had been headed home for Christmas and hit a patch of ice. This wasn't intentional. He hadn't meant to leave her all alone. He didn't want to abandon her.

"I don't want to see all of those people crying for him. I don't want to know how many people cared about him. They didn't care half as much as I did."

"I know, Bailey," Josh rubbed his hand in small circles down her back. "But you need to go today. And I'll be there if you need me."

"Thanks. I'm going to go grab some clothes and think about what I'm going to say." She pulled away from him warm embrace. "How do I sum him up into a few minutes?"

"I'm sorry. I don't know how to help you with that. You knew him best, so just say what you feel."

"I guess I'll just go up there and hope something nice comes out. He deserves something nice."